344.

have you ever been alone in a crowded room?

sooo, yeah. the backpack full of stuff i should've studied tonight. but oh, you know me. sitting here waiting for my picture to send, i thought about some shit to do, to try to improve myself. at least as far as school goes. limiting my hours on computer/watching tv. intelligent, no? constant reminders, everywhere, to do what i'm supposed to. have some stuff in mind. i actually feel a little bit better. because, i mean, tonight was a prime example of what i'm fucking up. i sit and watch tv for hours, knowing i have shit to do but just don't care enough. then it's 11 and i go bullshit study for 20 minutes. yep, life. now it's 11:30. the line on the top of this means a lot right now. i have so many people to talk to but i feel so fucking alone, it's insane. i don't know. so many things i don't know, you have a point. shit, so many bad things today. there's one thing that tells me when i'm gunna cry, i hate when it happens. so much today. idk. i'd love to call it all stress. yeah, that's what i always say. i'm beginning to think it's something else. why would i sit in my room and cry all the time for reasons i can't even think of? i feel like a fucking idiot when i say i don't know. i feel so distant from everyone right now. i want tomorrow to be over so i can go to the city with steph and sam and everyone and fucking forget this. at least for a while. come sunday night i'll be beating myself up all over again. life is such a cycle. christmas makes me so depressed. fuck that. idk, idk, idk. i love how i come here to ramble. could be doing better things. on a positive note, i swear i'll start trying tomorrow. i'm sick of cheating on every test so i don't have to bullshit. and i still don't do well. every so often i'm so upset with who i've become that i can't even stand to think about myself. one of those times. i want to fucking be better. i'm glad i have you right now because not much else is making me smile. i have no idea what i'm doing tomorrow after school. hopefully i figure shit out. oh, and. on top of everything. ears are bleeding a disgusting amount. clearly infected. yep, life is perfect. peace.

ps. i miss you so much.