165.

that's all i'm taking to school tomorrow. holy shit, is it really the last day of freshman year? that was easily the worst year of my life, and i'm so glad it's over. i had a lot to say tonight but i don't know if i'm going to get it all out. um. first of all. i'm sick of you. everything is so repetitive and to be honest, it's sickening. i don't know. i guess i could just stop answering you. it's pretty easy at this point. whatever. also. i'm so glad you're being open with me again. it makes me feel really good that we saved what potentially could have been doomed. i really value your friendship and i hope i can fix the mistakes and problems. it's all good right now. anyway. i don't know. i don't want to give up on you. you may not see the half of it, but it's seriously tearing me apart. there are so many things that i find out or hear or see throughout the day that i would usually laugh with you about. it fucking hurts so bad when i can't. i'm not trying to make you feel bad. i just want you to know that i care. i don't want to give up. i really don't. but how am i supposed to handle this? it doesn't help when you rub it in, either. are you actually enjoying this? i really don't know. i have this feeling that you won't miss me. maybe them, but definitely not me. i guess i was pretty shitty. i mean, i am. i am shitty. you said so yourself. you're the last person i want to lose. god, i don't even know what to say. nothing is the same without you. i don't know how you'll feel when you read this. maybe you'll think how ridiculous i am for ranting on my blog. probably. but yaknow, i just don't know what to do. today was okay, i guess. showered, played video games, finished my global paper finally. then went out with my mom. blasting the rocket summer and drinking tropical smoothie made it feel like summer. which is getting closer every day. it's unreal that for seniors, it's their last day of high school tomorrow. ohhhh man. idk. i just want this summer to be okay. t-minus 34 days until i leave. xo.

ps. i'm not exactly sure where this fits, but it's definitely what i feel.