181.

basically, all i did today was go to tor's with laura. we swam, watched a movie, listened to music, took pictures... you know, normal best friend things. i love my life. good night.

180.

hmmm, can you find datur? mwahaha. this is what we do with a light saber that my brother got. so last night, i went to audrey's graduation party and it was good to spend time with all of them. miss them so much. they're still some of my best friends. at 9, laura, tor and i left and walked back to my house. we took a nap.. because we seem to always do that, and then tracy came over. love cuartosome. best friends, for fucking ever. mike, jess and edwin were shooting arrows and darts in the basement...... lulz oh. that was interesting. then law and i found roller skates from back in the day and put them on. it was mad funz. they all slept over. and we actually slept! which is weird. in the morning, me, tor and tracy got ready and tor left to go shopping. me and tracy waited for a while for my brother to be ready and then tor came back. we all went to the mall for a little while with mike. basically just to eat, but it was fun :). anyway, then i came home, dropped tracy off at home and then went to my people to people meeting. aka party. it was at a restaurant and it was kind of awkward talking to the people i'm going halfway around the world with, complete strangers. but it was okay. food was good and i'm really excited for this shit. 19 fucking days. holy shit, it's going to be amazing. got my flight times and hotels, it's all so real now. jfk airport. flight leaves at 3:55. layover in germany and then flying all night to italy. ahhhhhhhh. fucking amazing. so now, i'm kinda bored. probably going to gina's and sleeping over. miss all that. oh and. i haven't talked to my best friend all day. it's not only weird, it's fucking unnatural. understand that problems or situations can be discussed and resolved through talking. even if there really isn't any visible problem that you can identify. best friends are always there to talk. i miss you. xo.

179.

graduation. (erik, mike, jill, henry, & dan) oh man. so laur slept over last night but we stayed up and talked until 4am. about lots of things. ahhh i can't. so we woke up around 10 and she left. got ready to go to mike's graduation with people. walked over and got a spot in the bleachers. laur met up with me maybe 10 minutes later. it was sooo br00tally hot. 2 hour ceremony was a little painful but very qt. graduating class of 591 kids. shit man. i can't. another chapter of their lives, over. so proud of mike. i even got a little tan on my back, ha. don't know what i'm doing today. maybe going to audrey's grad party? who knows. but later, i'm hanging out with cuarto. maybe going out to dinner. dw them. love bestfriends. i'll probably edit later. peaceee.

178.

hmmmm. first part of today isn't even worth writing about. all i did was shower, get ready to go in the pool (as you can see) and ended up going to see transformers 2 with my family. whatever, shit happened, didn't want to be there and cried in front of everyone. a bit selfish but a lot of shit was happening. i went home and then chris jung picked me up with laur, ben and kevin. whatever happened, we drove around and then decided to go to the fair. me, laur, chris and ben. it was a good time, went on lots of spinny rides and ate funnell cake. mmmm. saw lots of people i don't like but whatever. we left at 11. the night ended terribly but whatever. won't dwell on it. those things will be discussed and worked out in time. i love my friends, no matter what. xo.

177.

oherro. didn't really do anything today. it was pretty nice out during the day. around 6, i met law halfway and she's here now. DNW HER. anyway. after like, 10 minutes a huge storm started. the sky got rere dark and that's whut the picture is. ohay. i dun feel like writing. BYE.

176.

yayayay, i love everyone. today was great. woke up around 10, showered and got readyyy wif datur. then laur came back and we all went to get our nails done. we're pog again! dfw them. then we ate pizza and came home. jess got here and she looked beautiful, all ready for prom! my brother got ready and they matched so well. so qttttt. aww, my brodder's senior prom. so, we took some pictures here and then went to chris/erik's to take more. erik, megan, chris, henry, jill, brei and ryan were there and they all looked so qt. i got amazing pictures. stayed there for maybe an hour and a half. love all of them. then laur, tur and i came back here and took a nap. tracy just came over and we all ate dinner! let me say right now that no one means more to me than those 3. best friends, i love you. now we're gunna go watch nick & norah's infinite playlist. dofuckingwant. i love everyone, bye :)

175.

today is mucho fun! woke up, showered, blahblahblah. around 3, gina walked over and we chilled in my house until 5 and talked about shit. then david picked us up and we went to pick up chris, also. it was such a fun time, love them. we drove to centereach for pizza hut and if you ask me why i really couldn't tell you. lmfao. we ditched the check because we're badass, obviously. i love blasting music with them in david's car. it's great. anyway. i got home around 7 and about 10 minutes later, laura and tor we're here. yayayay best friends. we chilled and talked in my room, reminised. old times were so much fun and i miss the people i'm not close with anymore. last year was so much simpler than now. high school pretty much drove me away from certain people that used to be my best friends and it sucks. i miss the routine of always knowing what i was doing on the weekends. sigh. and it especially sucks because i know it will never be like that again. eh. well, went to friendly's with them, my mom and my grama. twas a good time as well! saw stephanie and lauren :)! mmm ice cweam. (or bryce cream? LOLOLOL). so after friendly's, we went to blockbuster and rented a couple movies for tonight. also bought the curious case of benjamin button. god, one of my favorite movies ever. so excited to watch everything. mmmmm good night. xo.

174.

my good luck charm. i wore it for every test. my last one was today. it's fucking summer. holy shit, i'm so happy. so relieved. i don't have to deal with school. for a while. ahhh life is wonderful. so law and i left our regents at 10 and went back to my house. she was here until 4 and i swear, i haven't cried so much from laughing in a long time. so much funny shit. love best friend. walked her half way and haven't been really doing anything since. of course. chilling with her later with faye, nick, alanna and chrissy! going to be such a fucking funny night. wonderful way to start summer. anyway. today kinda gave me a weird feeling. idk what it is but something feels wrong. i'm not gunna say anything, though, in hopes that i somehow get through to you. hopefully you realize how much i really care. so. i'm gunna go eat french toast now. excited for this entire summer. xo.

ps. this is something that you should always remember. i hope you find your way back to the good side of life. everyone has struggles but you don't deserve this many.


edit. i'm so done with everything right now. why the fuck am i so upset? all this minor shit on top of each other, i guess. i don't know. i'm done bothering people, i wish i fucking didn't. and i wish people weren't so fucking stupid. i wish i wasn't pissed off all the time. i want to be a good person. what the fuck, let's not have a pity party. but i am sitting here alone at 10:30pm on the first night of summer. i don't know why i came here because i can't even figure out why i'm upset. i sound fucking insane. but really... people fucking suck. i hate liars and hypocrites. you make me think i'm the one with the problem. how if i weren't so shitty, maybe you wouldn't have to do this to me. but it's not me. it's you. you're right when you say how shitty are. i'm not gunna say you're never shitty but at least i care. did that even make sense? i don't even care anymore. this has affected my life so much. whether you know it or not. and no, it's not an "excuse" for shit like you said. it's not. you hurt me and continue to do so in more ways than one. i just want everything to be okay. i want you to feel okay about yourself and the same for me. what the fuck am i even saying right now. i'm a total hypocrite when it comes to you but there are just so many sides to this. i don't know. there have been times where i was in love with you. times where i hated you. times where i wanted to be with you. times where i went months without talking to you. times where i missed you. times where i wish you were dead. it's all so fucking confusing but all i know is that i care so fucking much. i don't know what to do with myself. i don't know. don't know what else to say. atleast i have my friends. atleast it's summer. but god, was this a horrible way to start. hi major hypocrite. what the fuck ever.

173.

today was so much fucking fun :) dw. woke up at 8:30, showered and sheeet, english final at 10. after, i went home and gina came over for a little. then tracy and law came over after their math final. chilled and ate soup, mah best friends :) anywayyy, then chrisjung and ariana showed up! so we went with them and dropped law at home and went to tropical smoothie. mmm delicious as always. we stayed there for a while and talked about things, it was nice. i love talking about everything with my closest friends. anyway. after, we went and picked law up again and went to taco bell. ahahaha so fat. i ate nachos. adventures ahaha. always a fun time with them. so then, we decided to go pick up chris healy and ben and squish 7 people in jungie's car. ahaha INTERESTING. always interesting :) it was a good time and i had fun. chris dropped me off around 7. really haven't been doing much since then. i feel like i'm gunna explode, i deffinitely ate too much today. grosssssss. so, tomorrow is my last day of freshman year, officially. spanish regents. 2 more hours and i'm done! so exciting. this was honestly the worst year of my life and i couldn't be more excited that it's over. europe in less than 4 weeks. holy shit :)! ahhhh. so, i'm gunna go and maybe study a tiny bit for spanish. probably not. ohwell, it'll be easy as fuck. summer 09, here i come :)

172.

today was a verrrry good day :). laur slept over last night and we chilled until she left around 3. then a couple hours of boredom, and then tor came! love mah best friend. lul we watched "he's just not that into you" on demand and it was seriously the cutest thing ever. it didn't look that good but holy shit, it was. omg love it. we also ate applebee's during the movie. mmm good. overall, it was a fun day. so much for the first day of summer though, IT RAINED. ohwell. hopefully the weather decides to not be shitty, real soon. so, tomorrow is my english final at 10am. DNW. but tuesday is my last regents. and then it's fucking summer, holy shit. it already feels like it without any homework. this is amazing. anyway. i still miss so many people. certain discussions have brought up people from the past and i miss them so much right now. it really sucks when nothing even really happened, you just grew apart. hopefully i have the courage to try to fix some shit. i'd love for everything to be the way it used to be. i'm totally happy with my friends right now, though. they seriously mean the world to me. especially you three. i love you so much and i appreciate you more than you will ever know. it's the people that stick with you through everything that are worth holding onto. maybe i don't tell you this enough but i would seriously be nothing without you. love you all. okay i'ma go chill wif datur now! bye :)

edit. "if he wants it to happen, he'll make it happen." that's definitely true. and i guess the same goes for you. i don't want to admit that it probably won't work but i guess it really won't. i don't know. i'm getting tired of trying to keep my hope alive. i just wish it seemed like you were trying. xo.

171.

today was mad funs so far. woke up and showered and then gina walked here. father drove us to her house and i ate. david picked us up around 2 and we drove around for a while, blasting music. then went to walt whitman mall. 'twas a fun time, of course. we found yuval! such a sweetheart. probably my last time ever seeing him. awwww man. i love zat picture of alla us, love them to death :) came home around 6:30. laur's here now and we're listening to soulja boy. classic. so, summer officially starts at midnight. maybe it'll stop raining. that'd be nice. hmmm. so probably going to henry's grad party later wif everyone. that will be a fun time hahaha. okies maybe i'll write more laterz. goodbye.

170.

didn't really do much today. laur came over after her global regents and then chris jung picked us up. free smoothie day at tropical smoothie. then we went back to her house and watched a really retarded movie about killer sheep. hey, sheep and goats are our thing, so oh well. ahaha. then we went out to buy bread and chips, and ended up at nik's house with kevin, ben, declan, josh and many others. it was a funny time. after we left we stopped at chris' and then laura and i went home. haven't really done a lot since then. watching benjamin button right now. love my friends. love summer. love my life. xo.

169.

this is pretty much the only productive thing i did today. "forever is a long time, but i wouldn't mind spending it by your side. tell me everyday i'd get to wake up to that smile, i wouldn't mind it at all." prettttty cute. bio regents today was kinda hard. hope i did okay. hope my good luck charm actually works. no tests tomorrow, 3 day weekend. only english and spanish to go. thank god. june 23rd and i'm done with school. i seriously can't wait for this summer to begin. xo.

edit. i miss everyone in my life. i miss everyone who made me who i am today. where the fuck would i be without you? i've lost touch with so many people that i'd love to talk to again. recently or long ago, it doesn't matter. i miss you all. i need you here. i want to forget about the past because we're living in the present. isn't that the most important thing? please come back into my life, if we stopped talking, for whatever reason, it isn't important now. i just want you back.

168.

so today was pretty fun. global final at 8am, i used all of my 2 hours. fun. after, i chilled, and went to dunkin donuts with mike around 2. then we went to jess' and laur finished her chem regents. therefore, she went to my house... which happened to be open. i got home and she was on my computer hahaha. life. anyway. fun times, of course. went on my roof and took pictures. i love sitting out there during the summer. it's so relaxing. anyway. i have to go study majorly for bio. i don't know how i'm gunna pass this. fucking regents. my teacher says she expects 85 or higher... yeah right. need to study so much shit. ugh. anyway. today, i looked at a lot of old pictures. that included a slideshow of all of my 365 pictures. let's just say, i cried. i miss the way things were, even within the past 6 months. i just wish everything was okay. it hurt as i watched so many pictures with you in them pass by. my bestfriend. why are so many things different? i'm sorry we're attached at the hip. i never thought it was a bad thing. i guess we make a lot of people feel shitty. i mean, we do think about our other friends. we really do. i don't know. guess i never was good at being conscious of myself. that really sucks. jafhdsjfksf. i don't know anymore. really don't. i miss so many people. 3 in particular. please, i need you all in my life. more than you know.

167.

today was fun. math regents was pretty reasonable, easier than i expected. hope i did well. david and gina picked me up and then we went to mcdonalds and the mall. at the mall, we met the most amazing person, ever. yuval. he worked at one of those stand things that try to sell you shit. he did our hair for free, loveee the curls. we talked for an hour and a half. so genuine. it was so nice to meet someone like that. he talked to gina and i about so much shit. made us feel good and gave us really good advice. he was so open with us and it was really just a nice thing to be a part of. so yeah. it's 11:53pm and i woke up around 10 minutes ago. hmmm i don't know what to make of that. i didn't study for global tomorrow but oh well. i love my best friends for texting me and making sure i did this. i'm gunna go maybe study since i have 4 extra hours of sleep tonight. xo.

166.

so, that's it. the last day of school. the picture above is sure to make me cry one day. i hated everything about school except the friends that i kept and made. these people seriously matter the most. i will never forget anyone who changed my life. in this picture, it's me, law, mike, bface, mason, chris jung, moira and tom. oh memories. today was seriously the funniest fucking day i've ever had. ded. seniors made a slip n slide? and 8th period lunch was the fucking best. i love everyone. i took a million pictures of everyone for once. i want to fucking remember this forever. during 5th period, law and i kinda just left our room and chilled with people. love things like that. makes me appreciate my friends. today actually made me think i would miss school. a tiny bit. i'll miss people. and the good times we've had. freshman year is fucking over. welcome, summer 09. i studied 3 hours worth of geometry today. and i still don't think i'll do well. oh well, we'll see. waking up at 6:30 tomorrow, still. gotta be at school at 7:45, because i would have an early test. 5 tests away from summer. ah. so fucking happy. xo.

165.

that's all i'm taking to school tomorrow. holy shit, is it really the last day of freshman year? that was easily the worst year of my life, and i'm so glad it's over. i had a lot to say tonight but i don't know if i'm going to get it all out. um. first of all. i'm sick of you. everything is so repetitive and to be honest, it's sickening. i don't know. i guess i could just stop answering you. it's pretty easy at this point. whatever. also. i'm so glad you're being open with me again. it makes me feel really good that we saved what potentially could have been doomed. i really value your friendship and i hope i can fix the mistakes and problems. it's all good right now. anyway. i don't know. i don't want to give up on you. you may not see the half of it, but it's seriously tearing me apart. there are so many things that i find out or hear or see throughout the day that i would usually laugh with you about. it fucking hurts so bad when i can't. i'm not trying to make you feel bad. i just want you to know that i care. i don't want to give up. i really don't. but how am i supposed to handle this? it doesn't help when you rub it in, either. are you actually enjoying this? i really don't know. i have this feeling that you won't miss me. maybe them, but definitely not me. i guess i was pretty shitty. i mean, i am. i am shitty. you said so yourself. you're the last person i want to lose. god, i don't even know what to say. nothing is the same without you. i don't know how you'll feel when you read this. maybe you'll think how ridiculous i am for ranting on my blog. probably. but yaknow, i just don't know what to do. today was okay, i guess. showered, played video games, finished my global paper finally. then went out with my mom. blasting the rocket summer and drinking tropical smoothie made it feel like summer. which is getting closer every day. it's unreal that for seniors, it's their last day of high school tomorrow. ohhhh man. idk. i just want this summer to be okay. t-minus 34 days until i leave. xo.

ps. i'm not exactly sure where this fits, but it's definitely what i feel.

164.

been growing my hair for a year. shit man, it's mad long. gunna grow it all summer, too :). in exactly 5 weeks, i'll be on a plane to italy. holy shit. i can't. xo.

edit. do you know how much i miss you? i don't even know how this happened but i never stop thinking about you. when he talks to me i wish it was you. every second, i'm wishing i could be with you. i always think about what i was told, though. about how it won't work. maybe it's stupid to listen to something like that, but it's in the back of my mind all the time. i miss you. and i really think there could be something good between us. like i said, the sweet things he says makes me miss you more. it just feels right with you. i just don't know the right course of action. i don't know. we'll see what happens. xo.

163.

going to roosevelt field mall with these ladies. bestttttt. school is almost over. (: lifeee.

edit. i'm never going to tell you that i've had enough. i'm never going to say that it's not worth it. you're amazing and i can't stand loosing you. hello, reality check.

162.

i really don't know what relevance the picture has to today. i guess, i need a light right now. i don't know. i'm just so tired of everything. everyone. i try so hard but it's like i don't try at all. i've acknowledged that i am a horrible person, and a horrible friend. constant reminders of that. but i am numb. i don't know what else to do. i don't ever know how to make things right and it kills me. i can't even concentrate on anything. no one fucking understands me, and it's bad because i just seem insane. i fucking am. whatever. i hate everyone. once again, my life hits a turning point, and everything goes downhill. i thought i was actually happy. but i guess it was just a front, as more and more shit piled on. i haven't cried in a while, and i did tonight. i will again, thinking about all of this. it's kind of pathetic. i don't finish my homework anymore. i don't study. i don't even try. this summer was supposed to be amazing. but how can it be if i don't have all of my best friends by my side? i just... don't know what to do or say to make anything right anymore. i want to change. i need to. and i'm trying. but it's apparently getting me no where. i just care so much. but i guess that side never shows. i'm too busy being an asshole. i'm glad i have one person that understands. without that person i don't know what the fuck i would do. i wish everyone could be as strong as us. we've fucking made it through everything. we stick together. and i appreciate you more than anyone could ever fucking know. i don't know how to tell you how much i love you for always being there, again and again when i need it. you are the one who has never failed me. i don't think we've ever failed each other. i just thank you so much for being a friend. um. i don't know. i was planning on making this short. but it just came out. and i don't delete. i don't want to lose anyone that i love. god, i love you all so much. please don't leave.

when i'm down, i'll hold my head up high, cause you're the reason why.

161.

today was a good day. i really hate people but it was a fun time. school was shit, whatever. in bio, however, i stayed awake and paid attention, and i actually started remembering everything and i could actually answer the questions she was asking. it felt good. maybe if i study i can actually pull this off. anyway. i came home with laur and soon after, mike, jess and bface came. chrisjung and silliman also came! it was a good time. had a bit of a yearbook party. jungiebunz yearbook is the picture. made it a bit creative to make more room for signatures. laur went home and so did bface. everyone else was around for a while. tried to do my homework but i can't concentrate on that shit anymore. it's 11 and i didn't finish that long ago. i'm starting to take showers in the morning, which is really weird, because i've never been one to do that. oh well, i guess there's always a time to start something. also. i'm really, really glad that some shit was resolved today. it'll make everything a lot easier, believe me. i'm just glad that some people in this world know how to be mature and adult about things. thank you. anyway. i'm glad we talked today. it really made me smile. i guess you just needed a little time. because everything is fine and i love it. ahhhh. so happy when i think about you, seriously. i can't. so um. 3 more days of freshman year. kinda insane. i was writing in mike's yearbook today, how lame, and i realized that our first and last year in school together is almost over. it went too fast. i loved going to school with him. school is gunna suck next year. the seniors and my best friends are what made it slightly enjoyable. i'll miss everyone. anyway. i love nights that are so funny, i'm literally crying while on aim. it's fucking great. i've been writing a shitload of poetry lately and i love it. love to be in that habit. it makes me feel good. i like summing up my life. i guess that's why you're here. so happy with where i am. and i just want school to be over. xo.

160.

...pissed off and stressed today. so much homework. this is the last week of school, it would be nice if it actually felt like school was ending. what the hell. i came home from school and was distracted by you. fucking asshole. not a good distracted. because i honestly don't want to deal with you. like right now. what am i doing? i know i did the right thing by making peace but in no way did i wish this upon me. again. for the millionth time. just fucking stop. stop saying all this bullshit and trying to make me do stupid shit. i'm not dumb anymore and i won't fall for your tricks. what the shit, i don't care if this is obvious. i care about you but it's a lot fucking easier when you're gone. anyway. another thing that's bothering me. i miss you. i haven't talked to you lately. and it kills me. you're the one thing i really do want. it happened so fast, so i don't know how to explain anything, but all i know is that i want you in my life. i've definitely seen how different you are from everyone else and i really love it. i'm hoping i didn't do anything wrong and i don't seem attached. it sucks when you don't answer. but i'll get over it. um. wow. ridiculously stressed. always. i can't take this shit. i wish i could fast foward 2 weeks, seriously. i definitely wouldn't regret it. what the fuck. i just want everything to be over with. like, really? i have fucking 4 more days of school left and i still have 2 hours of homework every night? maybe more? whaaaaat is going on. i hate this IB shit. it's not worth it. so basically, everything is pissing me off today. fucking everything. lately, i've been saying "i hate everything" all the time. just like i used to. and for the most part, it's fucking true. i'm really not looking forward to tomorrow. i hate school so fucking much. and i need you, i hate when you're not here. 11:11. make a wish.

159.

i really don't fucking know. before i rant, i'll talk about my day i guess. i started my last week of freshman year today. it doesn't feel any different yet but it will. by the time friday comes around i'll basically be staring summer right in the face. minus testing and all that shit. which, by the way, i am not prepared for. at all. i'm still fucking falling asleep in math and bio, the two classes i can't afford to miss. i'm so scared. i got my third practice math regents back today. on the first one, 64. second, 51. this one was a 71. so i guess that's better. but who fucking knows what i'll pull come june 16th. ahhh fuck. anyway. school was pretty okay. besides the everyday assholes, my classes weren't that bad. we're not really doing much besides reviewing. idk. the end of the year is so bittersweet, because summer is coming but there's still the fucking BATTLE of finals and regents. ugh. i can't. anyway. after school i went home and did most of my homework. at 5:30, i left for bethpage to go to my people to people meeting. i got my nametag, scheduling shit and luggage tags. pretty fucking legit at this point. t-minus 40 days until i leave. i was pretty excited as i was leaving the meeting. but of course, something has to happen. my mom asked me what my brother and i had a talk about last night. i replied, "it doesn't really matter, not really your buisness." so, yeah. i could've said it better. but her response was in no way justified. "who the hell do you think your talking to? you better start treating me right. what the hell is wrong with you? are you stupid? you can't talk to me like that. you sound like an asshole. you treat your mother with respect. i'm not putting up with this bullshit." for those of you who don't know my mom, she doesn't curse. ever. so what the fuck. i don't understand. i apoligized and she continued to go on and on about how i take everything for granted and how fucking selfish i am. because of one fucking comment. everyone is such an asshole. i'm still fucking pissed off. what the hell. i got home and finished my homework, but got really frustrated because it was math.. another practice regents.. and i didn't fucking understand one question. i give up on school. fuck it. i don't care. i tried for so long and i'm fucking done. whatever. i just want school to be fucking over. wow. i curse too much. ajshfjfashkf. peace.

158.

so, today was pretty uneventful. i woke up and showered, and then laur came over. relived that interesting saturday. looked through the yearbook. of course, fun times. um. then got dragged out with my mom. not fun. i love putting homework off until sunday. pahaha. oh well. tomorrow starts the last full week of school... holy shit. it better go quick. these next 2 weeks are gunna be the suckiest 2 weeks in a while. seriously. it just needs to end. anyway. i have a people to people meeting tomorrow and i didn't do any of my work. oops. what the shiiit. oh well. i think i'll live. i can't help how distracted i am. it's because of you and it would be a lot easier if i could concentrate, but then again, you make me happy. really happy. so i guess i don't mind. but i have to get concentrated for the next 2 weeks. we'll see how that goes. also. i learned today that i'm not good at helping people. or at least helping you. i don't know what to say. i don't want to take sides so i just say whatever comes out. i don't want to make you feel shitty but do you realize you do the same thing to me? i'm sorry that you're having all this trouble, i really am. i wish i could help. but i don't know how to. maybe it's something that you need to resolve yourself. between you and him. but right now, you should concentrate on the more important things. getting ready for college, maybe. i know you're stressed so do yourself a favor and stop worrying about everyone else, at least until school ends. please. you're worrying me and you know i care endlessly about you. i wish there was something i could do or say to make this easier. but i'm gunna go now. maybe sleep early. who knows. peace.

157.

today was great so far. woke up and showered, and then cleaned forever. hung out with jordan for a bit in the afternoon. stole his hat, obviously he loves me. it was fun times. came home to a family party? wasn't that fun.....lul yeah. um. i was supposed to go to jakelyn's but she didn't answer me so i don't know if that's happening! but oh well. i'm prepared for a night alone tonight. i'm actually happy about that. i'm really happy in general. shit man, everyone was right. it gets worse before it gets better. my life definitely got a whole lot better. and i'm so happy about that. i'll go do something else now. who knows. i'll most likely write again later to tell you about my night. ahaha. i really have no life. xo.

edit. ahahaha. so i ended up watching tv for a little while. chris texted me around 9 and asked me to go to northport with him and jenn. so they came and picked me up around 9:30, we got pizza and then went. met up with marisa, kyle, joe, meghan and jen. walked around the docks and talked and laughed. got ice cream and talked to random people. always a fun time with them. now it's kinda late. i should go to sleep because i'm mad tired and i have some homework to do tomorrow. it's weird, i feel like school is already over. i'm not even worrying about studying for these 5 tests. maybe i should be. i know i won't do well on them. so, whatever. i'm not stressing right now. anyway. i don't know what to say about this. i'm so fucking happy because of you. i've seen the difference between everyone else and the way you act. and that's why this is so much better. it's that one thing that gets to me. it just makes everything perfect. i really can't describe it but i hope everything works out in the end. i've been bothered by some little thing and i shouldn't be. i won't stress over it. the positives are what's important. you're what's important. goodnight. xo.

156.

oh, man. it's so shitty out today. hate rainy fridays. anyway. june 5th. what a fucking day. june 5th, 2007. honda civic tour. the first time i saw fall out boy, the academy is..., cobra starship and +44. so much has fucking changed since then but it's still one of my favorite days, ever, and always will be. it changed my life. it began the long trek of shows that i still love to this day. it's something i'll never forget. it's weird. no matter how much pete has "changed" or whatthefuckever, i still always think about this time. for probably a year and a half before i saw them, fall out boy was my favorite... so was pete. god, it was ridiculous. but i loved it. and i miss feeling like that. i remember when he came out and sang slow down with tai. it was the first time i'd ever seen him in person. i still remember the feeling. that whole show was fucking magical. it seriously changed everything. 2 years ago. holy shit. i will never forget. being 8th row on floor level, front and center. seeing cobra open with virtually no one singing along. seeing mark hoppus and trav barker in person, finally. finding out what it felt like to cry about the beauty of a song. dirty getting tennis balls pelted at his chest. seeing william jump around on stage for the first time. mark hoppus throwing pete's bass into the long island sound. dirty jumping in. pete following. them singing saturday last, as always, and pete getting his cake thrown in his face. the day he turned 28. he's 30 today. god, am i nostalgic. so much has changed. these people don't mean as much to me anymore (save TAI of course). idk, well. i love chrissy and she's here right now. OHAY. tracy's here now, too. going to faye's with lauraaaa. okay bye. xo.

155.

ahahaha. today was great. school was shit, as always. 7 more full days! anyway, after school, laur came over. then chris silliman and jungie arrived. always good times, alwaaaaays. we had lots of talks and lots of laughs. silliman left and then we listened to a lot of old music from disney movies. aka lion king, tarzan, aladin, pocahontas... hahaha. it was great. i love crying of laughter. it's probably one of the best feelings in the world. laur and jungie left around 8 and then i finished my homework. anyway. i was thinking today. i was eating dinner and thinking about thanksgiving, uhhh weird? but yeah, i was thinking about how that was in november. it's june. like, really? it feels like my life just flew by. all those months. at first, i didn't really mind.. but i feel like it's going too fast. i'm almost done with my freshman year. it's not like i don't want to be done with school, because i love the summer. but iunno. high school is routine. what the fuck am i gunna do in the real world? idek. whatever. today was a good day, minus all the homework. this weekend will be fucking amazing, i'm telling you that right now. even if some things don't work out. it'll be okay. i love my best friends. and even if i'm not entirely happy with where i am, i definitely have enough. xo.

154.

today was a great day. school was shit, whatever. i get more stressed every day. but after school, laur came over with chrisjung and bface. wahaha. fun times, always. bewb hat. "OH, I FOUND IT..." "mexicoo?" yeah, it was pretty entertaining. i love the people i surround myself with. i just don't care about bullshit anymore. it's not mine. i've let it go. things seem to work in the end that way. but after the past month, i've become more conscious of myself. i thank everyone for that. i'll be a better person now. anyway. as it stands, there are 8 more full days of freshman year. holy shit, i can't wait for all of this to over. there isn't really much else i have to say. oh, this is important. thank you for always helping me realize the good sides to everything. i know i bitch a lot and i thank you for putting up with it. i love you bestfriend. hm. still anxious. oh well. i'm sure no matter what, everything will be perfect. because i'll be with you. xo.

153.

too many pictures of me lately. i'm not too entertaining, am i right? i've been enjoying my outfits lately. i actually feel pretty. olul did i really just say that? shcwhatever. um. today was okay. it was humid so my hair curled. that's why it's up now. i've been pretty good about doing all my homework and going to bed around midnight. only 9 more days of my freshman year, holy shit. i can't wait. i really can't take my 5 tests, though. 3 regents and 2 finals. i don't see how i can do well on all of them. monday the 15th ends school. tuesday is math regents. wednesday is global final. thursday is bio regents. monday the 22nd is english final. and tuesday is spanish regents. june 23rd, and i'm done with school. holy shit. this school year sucked a fucking lot and i'm so glad it's coming to an end, honestly. no, i don't have any bullshit reason to go to school. i don't need to go to see my friends. 99.5 percent of people in that school, i dislike. the people that really matter, i'll see all summer. also. this monday i have a people to people meeting. holy shit. i leave in 46 days for europe. at this meeting i think we're getting the flight times and such. it's gunna make me so much more excited to leave. as far as i know, i'm leaving at 4pm on july 18th from JFK. layover in germany and then flying to england. holy shit. england?! and fucking france and italy? this shit's unreal. i took a review quiz in global the other day on the european renaissance. didn't study and got 100. it's definitely because that is my favorite subject in global. i fucking love everything about it. omg i can't. this summer is gunna be amazing. hopefully the friendships i've made are strong enough to carry on all throughout those 2 months. i say that with one person in particular in mind. but it goes for others, as well. dunno. i'm just lovin the weather lately and i'm excited for it to stay like this. anyway. this is keeping me anxious. seriously, every time i think about that moment, my stomach drops. i'm trying not to think about everything that could happen. i just don't want to mess anything up. i've played it out a million times in my head. i know you're definitely not going crazy but that's a girl's job, right? at least i know you care. but yeeeah. i don't think you should let me down, and hopefully i'll think of something to do. if you read this, it'd be obvious. but i'm not one to erase shit i've already written. it's kind of a principal to me. so, whatev. shower time. peace.

152.

idk. haven't been writing a lot in my blog the past couple days. maybe that means i don't have a lot to say. but right now, you aren't leaving my mind. i haven't seen you in so long and that will change soon, hopefully. i miss you and i still have that feeling about us. isn't it weird how someone can be there for so long, and then just walk back into your life and mean so much more? it's crazy. i'm not going to rush anything though. i've learned from that. i don't know how you feel yet, either. there's obviously something really good between us, though. also, please note that laura rizzo and i are twins. we fucking go through everything at the same time. together. i caaaan't. anyway. maybe i'll write later, but i haven't been doing that lately. should've started my homework hours ago. i'll go do that. xo.

edit. thinking about it. it's been 2 months and i remember every day since then, that has led us up to now. 2 months. it feels like a lifetime. idk. i guess i don't have that much to say. i guess you weren't that special after all. i would say i still love you, because i still care, but did i even love you from the start? anyway. addicted to he is we, thanks to laur. so fucking cute. i can't wait to hug you >:].