151.

did nothing today except homework and shopping. major shopping. i hate shopping but i got a lot of qt things. this dress is one of my favorites. i'm really dreading school tomorrow but only 11 more days of this hellhole. jesus christ, i can't wait to be done. going to go finish homework and such. xo.

150.

bestfriend. today was alright so far. a little disappointment from one person but i'm over it. it'll happen at some point or another. laur left around 4. now she's coming to pick me up and we're going to tor's, and then port jeff. i fucking love my best friends. that includes tracy :) i love you foooooga, and miss you. i love this weekend. goodbye, xo.

edit. so, about me loving my best friends. we ate dinner, took pictures, walked around and got ice cream. then went back to tor's house for a little. love life.



We drove into a great sunset, we lived a life with no regret.

149.

ahahaha. tonight was interesting. again. love everyone. um, i almost forgot this. holy shit. thank you, tor, i love you.

148.

there are a lot of things that i have done that i am ashamed and embarrassed about. but they have made me the person i am today. this came up a lot today. i'm glad we talked and i'm glad you understand. i know you might not think i will come to you in the future, but i really will. it was scary, the past few weeks. i didn't have you and that was truly the worst part of it all. i'm glad i made that decision and i'm glad you're such an accepting and forgiving person. i'm glad you can make me laugh even when we discuss serious things. you told me what everyone else told me. but i'm sure i'll prove all of you wrong. i'm stronger than you think. i know you care a lot about me and i don't want you worrying. that's why i'm telling you now that i'm fine, and i always will be as far as this goes. i can't thank you enough for being such a great person. i love you, mike. anyway. today was okay. didn't have to act out plays in creative writing, no essay in english, and i actually got a 100 on that bio quiz. so whaaatev. i did all my homework so i feel pretty good. shower soon. oh, almost forgot. it was really good to see that things are still pretty normal for us. or at least better. granted, they aren't how they used to be, but i'm thankful for this. i just don't see why they changed so fast. we got so close so fast and all of a sudden, what? i don't know. i really don't. i think we both know at least some of the reason, though. probably the entire reason. i just don't want to be the one to say it. i hope things get normal again. but the way this is going, they won't. idk. but in other news. i have a good feeling about you and me. it might have taken 2 years but i'm glad we started talking again. you give me a really good feeling. i'm excited to see where this goes. overall, there's a lot of bullshit in my life currently, but i'm finding the reasons to pull through. xo.

147.

jungie mid-story, wahaha. always a good time. "she would flip a shit! she would flip pancakes and burgers." AND I QUOTE HER ON THAT. ahahaaaa. i love you, chris jung ^_^ so anyway. today was alright, i guess. not too stressed. even though i probably should be. 13 more full days of school. i now know when 2 of my regents are, and 1 of my finals. oh man. should be fun. FUCK. i just realized i have creative writing tomorrow. and that means acting out plays? fuck. hate shit that puts me out of my comfort zone. dnw people acting out a play i wrote. that's weird. i don't even have all my actors yet. why is this the one thing stressing me out? wtf. anyway. i haven't wrote about my actual day in a long time, so i think i'll do that. i woke up at 6:39am, i remember times. got ready and left at 7:11am for school. met up with laura and tracy at 7:18am. jeez, i'm a freak. but i remember. anyway. 1st period was... interesting. my gym class is a fucking freak show. but i just chilled with moira, mason and eric and "played volleyball" ahaha. 8:17 ends 1st. math was stupid shit, practice regents freak me out. stressful. i don't see how i'll pass my math regents. english was shit. i have to write an essay tomorrow for no reason. global was okay. i enjoy that class, actually. didn't really do anything. 5th i have lunch, but i went to the library. i should always do that, i got a lot of work done. 6th was ccc. aka a free period. we never do anything. 7th was spanish. silent work from practice regents all period. at least i don't have any stress about the speaking anymore ^_^ haha. 8th and 9th was bio. fuccck. took a quiz that i didn't know anything about. but i think i did pretty well. i find it funny how in all 3 other academics, i'm already reviewing for finals. but in bio, we haven't even finished learning. ha. another regents i won't do well on. ugh. so much pressure. next year, i'm definitely doing pre-ib english again. not doing pre-ib science again. doing pre-ib spanish. i don't even know what math i'm doing. but global... idk. should i stay in pre-ib? it's a lot of fucking work. especially with everything else. i guess it's worth it in the long run but, hi, i want to have a life outside of school next year. this is kinda bullshit. so anyway. came home with mike, bface and chris jung. fun times. did my bio homework, and now i'm here. um. anyway. i'm glad i did what i did. it's a scary fucking thing. but i wanted you to know everything. but now, it's absolutely killing me that i don't have a reaction. what are you waiting for? did you deliberately do that so you could avoid it? i definitely don't understand. i took a risk and you aren't even acting like you care. if we need to talk so desperately, why aren't you trying? i made a move here. and now it's your turn. i think i'll go take a nap instead of doing my math homework. xo.

oh btw, i love dalaw! :D

146.

one of my favorite shirts. especially because love is a reoccurring theme in my life. idk. i'm pretty lame. i was thinking about writing a poem here, that i wrote last night. but whatever. it'd be mad obvious, so i won't. i don't want you to say (more?) shit about me. but jfc, the least you can do is let our friendship stand. also. you should stop your bullshit right now. stop trying to give me a false sense of hope. i don't care about what you hear. it's probably not true. what the hell do you know? i don't trust you nor do i care. something that matters so much to me shouldn't be played around with. you never even had a chance, so don't be bitter or try to start more shit. or whatever the fuck you're trying to do. whatever. alright so, this is the important part of this blog. i was thinking about it today. if you have any problem with me, i want you to tell me. i want you to contact me and tell me straight up. i don't care if we're best friends or if we've never even spoken before. this goes for everyone. you can comment me here, IM me (catxclandestine), facebook message, myspace, whatever. but no anonymity. i want to get everything out in the open because i want to fix myself. i can't change the past but i can correct my actions for the future. so let me know. don't be afraid. i can handle it. i'll let you know how that goes.

145.

wahaha. finally done with my paper for global. 2,071 words and 10 pages later. it only took 12pm-5pm ahahaha. my life. oh well. that's why i didn't plan to do anything today. so, um. i could talk about so many things right now. but i just don't know where to start. chrissy and i had a long talk last night about basically everything. i love talking about shit with her, because i just feel like she gets it. it's so easy to relate things with her. and she just seems to know all the right advice to give me. it's really something that i cherish and i'm so glad we've gotten as close as we have this fast. it's great. but anyway, last night. i hate when i'm put in uncomfortable situations, when people are talking shit about people in front of me. people that i don't have a problem with. it just sucks. i feel guilty about everything. that's why i'm glad i know how to keep my mouth shut. i just don't get how this much drama could start. i mean, i know there are always gunna people that don't like each other, but it just sucks when it comes to this point. i don't want to get involved but it's hard when it involves so many of my close friends. i just wish everything was okay because it would put so much less stress on everyone. and that's something that everyone knows. seriously. sometimes i wish all this shit was just simpler. idk. this 4 day weekend has felt like summer, especially saturday night at nicolette's. i can't wait for that. i just want to be free of stress, and with my best friends all the time. this summer is gunna be awesome. as soon as school ends, i'm hanging out with everyone for 3 weeks. then europe for 3 weeks. and then back to enjoy the rest of my summer and relax. i seriously can't wait, it's gunna be the greatest. i just hope that summer is not a time for drama and all this shit. it's just stupid and i think everyone should forget about the past, and forgive. especially forgive. that's what friendships are based on. we will get no where with stubborn people. i just want to enjoy hanging out with my friends with no strings attached. i don't want to get caught up in all this. i'm really not looking foward to school tomorrow. i'd do anything to just be done. not looking forward to the word "regents" being thrown at me in 3 of my classes. this stress is just unreal. i haven't been crying that much lately. i feel like that's weird. it probably is because i cry about everything. maybe i need to let everything out. there's so much shit i care about enough to cry about. it'd probably be good for me. fuck. i really can't go to school. fuckkkkk. well. only 15 more full school days left this year. hoooo shit. better go quickly. i'm gunna go take a shower, and then eat dinner. i need relaxation. FUCK. i hate school so much. whatever. peace.

144.

today is my brother's eighteenth birthday. he means more to me than anyone. oh, how time flies. bbq party thing here later on tonight. xo.

edit. so much fun tonight. i love everyone. but i'm realizing how much drama really goes on. i just want everything to be okay.

143.

finished my bio regents today. what an accomplishment. now i only have to write that 2,000 word paper for global... oh shit. most likely, that will be happening on monday. but i really dnw to sit down and fugin write it. ugh. idek. lately everyone's been caught up in drama and frankly, i'm sick of it. why are blogs causing drama? it's just a place to say everything that you feel. that's what i do. if people don't like it, don't read it. but anyway. trying to get my plans together. cleaning and whatnot and making sure everythings okay. working out semi-okay. i just hope it does work out entirely in the end. on the phone with laura right now. she's walking here, and then we're meeting tracy. replay of yesterday? except today is an interesting saturday. ahaha. write later. xo.

edit. it definitely was an interesting saturday... oh man. love my best friends. now i'm here with tracy and laura... :) yayay! goodnight <3.

142.

it is beautiful outside. what am i doing in here? hopefully my plans for today work out. i love my best friends. xo.

edit. haaaa. what a fun day :). so laur came here around 3 and we chilled. left eventually to meet up with tracy and walk to tropical smoothie. got there at 5. ate and whatnot, fun times. i fucking love my best friends more than you know. um. plans with chris jung so we waited there for a while. talked about basically everything and time flew by. chris came around 7:30 and then we went to the mall. hahahahahaha omg. just everything. made fun of people and ate french fries. many things to be noted; almost killing people in that red car, awkward scene kid with moustache, other obnoxious scene kids, grown man with heelies, taking pictures in the bathroom, blasting vanessa carlton, kidnapping nick guiffre from his house, failing at visiting nik, and other shenanigans. i'm forgetting a lot but it was a lot of fun. chris jung dropped me, laur, tracy and nick off at my house. ate more. and then went with everyone to go pick up foo luck, lulz. we get home around 11, and laur's mom comes and picks her and tracy up. mish dem already, of course. i just want to have fun and not worry about stupid bullshit. i don't care about your problems because i have my own. and there might be a very important talk going down tonight, who knows. it's been eating away at me that you care so much and don't know anything. so if you get around to it, maybe it'll happen. i should be trying but i'm just scared. bare with me. anyway. i want you to be the happiest you can be. and i don't know what's going on, nor do i want to pry. but as long as you're happy, i will be, too. this isn't phasing me nearly as much as i thought it would. and that's just amazing. i don't know what else to say. i wish you only the best things in life, because that's what you deserve. xo.

edit 2. i love you a lot and i never really even think about it too much. i care about you more than i care about myself. so i'm not going to go cry myself to sleep because of anything you do. just remember that i will always be here. no matter what happens. and i hope you can find comfort in that.

141.

ish dalaw! wif my best friend. boredddd. what should we do tonight?

140.

i just never say the right things.

edit. i don't even know what to say. i'm feeling a lot of shit but i don't know how to say anything. this is not rad. i'm sitting here, freezing, but still eating ice cream. maybe i should go study for math or do my practice bio regents. or start my global paper. i'm making all these plans for the long weekend and leaving no time to do any work. this may not result well. whatev. maybe i'll write everything about today later, or in tomorrows blog. because i sure as hell have a lot to say.

edit 2. fuckin a. i'm so stressed. it's 11pm and i still have shit to do. i miss last year when i had a life outside of school. this shit's retarded. um. idk. people are ridiculous, and that goes for A LOT more than one person. so shut up. i don't even care to go into detail. just know that some people suck a lot and don't deserve to have friends. okay bye.

139.

simplicity. because of the past week, i've become conscious of my flaws. when i'm with someone and i say something, i actually think about it. at this point, i only realize immediately after i say it or do it. hopefully, over time i'll get better at stopping before i take action. things, coincidentaly, have been getting better. my problems seem to become smaller with the help of my friends. there are still a few things that need to be done, but i know i'll do them. i have some concerns, of course, but i know it'll pay off in the end. this weekend is keeping me happy. plans with the people that really matter, yaknow? the people i love. i barely have any homework today. only really things i could start that are due in the future (which would probably be a good idea.) this includes my paper for global and my practice regents for bio. i don't want to have to worry too much about that stuff over my little 4 day break. so i think i'll go start them and hopefully get a lot done. i feel like i will accomplish a lot today. and that's truly a great feeling. anyway. here are a few things that are left unsaid. 1. i honestly can't stand you. sure, you have your good moments, when i like you. but so much of the time i just wish you were gone. um. this may make me a bad person but, i dunnnno. grow up. 2. i seriously do not understand you. do you not see us trying to do everything we can? obviously, we don't want you to feel the way you do. but it's getting to the point where you're bringing it on yourself. there's only so much we can do. hang out with us. you're invited to all the time. but you just don't. i don't get it. you'd think you would be eager to. but it really just seems like you couldn't give a shit. we're the ones who don't care? look, you've got to put effort into this, too. that's the only way it's going to work. you get back from friendships exactly what you put into them. you're living proof. 3. recently, we've become really close. i'm so glad that you're someone i can tell anything to. i really appreciate your constant advice. we're both cynical people and it's wonderful. everyone thinks i'm just judgemental, but you get it. we have so much fun together and i really wouldn't trade it for the world. thank you for opening up to me and letting me open up to you. everyone needs someone like you in their life. i know you'll read this and i want you to know this is you, because you must know how much i appreciate and love you. so i'll give you a hint.... meow -wink- :). 4. bestfriend. you know that i could never live without you. i love you so much and i want you to know that i appreciate you so much. i want us to be as close as possible, and i want to tell you everything from now on. i've learned how much you can help me and i'd really love to always have that in my life. thank you for caring so much. so, anyway. i guess today has been pretty alriiight. every day is getting better. i live my life, and other people live theirs, and that's all i can ask to be done. peace.

138.

i've realized my pictures aren't too exciting most of the time. but it's still crazy to think that i've come 138 days without missing one. also, i've been in an all time low mood for a while. haven't listened to this song in a long time, so it was nice. so, today was alright, i guess. nothing really happened. typical monday. i got home, did my homework, and then slept for 3 hours. i usually hate doing that, but i've yet to catch up on sleep. i'm pretty much dead every day. 17 more days of actual school left. i want summer, now. i want friends and sun and bathing suits and sleepovers and the ice cream man and no worries. i seriously can't wait. anyway. i think chris jung is right. i am strong. i mean, i don't know. i guess i have to be, yaknow? this should be killing me, but i'm not nearly as distraught as i could be. i guess i care too much about you to be upset. xo.

137.

the beginnings of my english project, which may or may not be due tomorrow :x. idk, who cares anymore. maybe i should start stressing because at least i get things done. anyway. last night was another ....interesting saturday. law came back here around 6. then me, her, mike, jess and chris went out to a couple of stores to get stuff for a barbeque. we came back and people started showing up around 8:30. chrissy, laura and i ~detached~ ourselves from the group and played bop it for a while hahaha. more people started coming. faye and nick showed up. at this point it was; me, laura, chrissy, mike, jess, chris, jenn, joe, meghan, kyle, marisa, walter, nick, faye, and a couple other people that i don't remember. that's when chris jung came with nik and 3 other peoples. at some point, henry, erik, dan, chris and jill came, too. despite anything that happened, it was an all around fun night. talked to chris, faye and chrissy about everything. and it helped. i know what i have to do, and i'll do it. i mean, a lot of things are bothering me but now that everything is fixed with you, they don't seem so bad anymore. anyway. i want to say right now that i will be happy when you are. i'm not going to be a physco jealous bitch. you are my friend and i care about you, more than you know. i'm not gunna say it doesn't suck sometimes, because it does suck. but i'm not that kind of person anymore. i don't have the right to criticize her just because she has your attention. i mean, there must be a reason she does, because you're a smart kid. i trust that you'll make the right decisions in order to make yourself happy. i will always be here, i will always help you, and i will never stop loving you. xo.

edit. it made me feel so good that i didn't get mad or jealous or anything. i just smiled about how weird you are. this makes me feel like i really have changed for the better, because if this happened a year ago, i would be fuming right now. green with envy. it doesn't matter anymore because i'm over all that shit. what's the use in stressing and getting upset over things that you have no control over? there's no point, and i've learned that. i'm abiding by small steps. but eventually, you'll realize how much i care. i only want you to be happy. that's what really matters to me. anyway. things have been getting better lately. maybe it's because i've talked out things with so many of my friends, and they've really shone light on the things that i needed to realize. so, thank you. thank you to laura, tor, tracy, chris jung, chris silliman, chrissy, faye, mike korb, and anyone else whose seen the bad side of me and tried to help me turn around. you really make a difference in my life. and you are definitely appreciated, especially right now. so, no. things aren't perfect. they're far, far from it. but i'm trying. and i know i'm not alone. xo.

136.

sign for a contest that we might never get around to entering. ha. laur left early and tor left a little while ago. love my best friends. all of them. anyway. i don't know what the fuck i'm doing today. i have plans but i don't feel like working them out. i don't want to feel guilty all night. because i will, and i'll miss you. i don't feel like doing fucking anything today. i don't know. i just have a bad feeling about this weekend. and the week to follow. fuck, i'm just not looking forward to life in general.

edit. it's funny how one person's actions can change your entire attitude. i'm glad that you care, and that you're trying too. thank you for being the forgiving person that you are. sjfkhakjg. i love you bestfriend.

135.

i don't know what to say. i love you all. even when you're not here.

134.

this isn't a scream for attention. this is my blog and this is how i feel. yesterday's glues on repeat. The stars are moving on, and I am staying home, and I can't help but ask myself, where did I go wrong? It has to be this way, there's nothing left to say, it never helps to hear that things will be okay. you should think about how much i care. maybe you'll realize, it's a hell of a lot.

edit. i love you so much and this has become my main priority. i can't even concentrate, i can't think, i can't sleep. i've pretty much dropped all my other problems. i wish everything would just stop for a while. i can't do this without you.

edit 2. it feels better because at least i know you care. i'm sorry for everything and i wish i could change the past. you say you're over it, so i guess i'll move on. but i'll always be conscious of it now. i just really hope things aren't weird, because you're my best friend and you always will be. i love you.

133.

the endless amount of shit i have to do for school. aren't the 4 years of high school supposed to be the best years of your life? um, well. i don't even have a lot of time here to write. but today i thought about something. you're walking with your friend and they say, hey, how's life? or just a random adult, asking you, hey, how are you? "good." is the initially word that comes to mind, no? i'm no exception. i answer without any thought. but, what if i said, "actually, i feel like crying right now. everything that could possible go wrong, is doing so. i just wish everything would go away." how would someone react? oh, if only they knew.

edit. so, it was actually possible for things to get worse. i don't know what to do but cry. here it goes; i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry. i don't know what to do. i don't know how to change how you feel. i don't know how to change how anyone feels. this just scares me so much. you're my best fucking friend and i don't know what to do without you. i need you and i'm crying the most over this because it matters the most to me. if all of my other problems didn't make me realize how much i need my friends, this one did. i'd do anything to fix this. fucking anything, but i just don't know what to do. i can't just sit here and watch as we "drift apart" as you say will happen. i can't do it. i don't know how to stop it. i don't know what to say. what the fuck, i don't even know what i'm thinking anymore. i hope i sound desperate because that's how i feel. i don't want to go to school tomorrow.

edit 2. "i wish people said things to me about how they feel before everything builds up and then falls down at once. i don't know what to say or do to make up for my actions. i don't know what else to do except sit here and cry. at some point i started thinking i was a better person than i used to be, but now that i know how everyone feels, that is clearly not true. i just regret ever hurting anyone. but i don't know anymore."

132.

wow. today was fucking horrible. it's fucking bad when i'm crying in school. i just hate the world. why the fuck does everyone suck so much? my anger level went through the roof all day. i'm loosing friends, i'm loosing trust and i'm loosing you. and i don't even know what to do about it. 1. i love you, plain and simple. what the fuck? that's so weird to say. i'm getting upset over this and i don't think you would understand. atleast you noticed, though. i know you care. and for that i am forever thankful. but i just don't know what to do at this point. 2. you think you're amazing at helping me with my problems, don't you? you fucking suck at it. thanks for nothing. 3. what is your problem? are you stressed or something? because i could understand that. but you're just being completely unreasonable. so maybe i am a bitch sometimes. but you have no right to put all of this on me at once. i don't know what you want me to say. yes, i'm sorry, and yes, i mean it. you keep saying i don't care but you just don't get that i care and i want to make things better but i just don't know how. it took me so long to fix the person i used to be. i know i'm not perfect but you're asking a lot of me. especially right now. 4. why the fuck are you so immature? do you realize how old you are? i don't think you do. normal people aren't like that. and GOOD JOB talking about her and basically showing it to her. like, really? you're just awesome. this is ridiculous. are you really willing to risk all these friendships... for what? what, a damn boy? what the fuck. grow up. 5. get the fuck out of here. now. i'm not a jealous person and i'm not jealous of you. i'm just hurt. by both of your actions. but anyway. your life sucks. alright, enough of that. i've been listening to heartless and the danger in starting a fire by a day to remember all fucking day. heartless is just cuarto's pissed off song. and i love danger. i love the lyrics. they may not exactly apply here. but. I will never falter, I'll stand my ground.You're a fake, a worthless coward. Your life won't mean anything. Let's set things striaght, what's done is done. I never needed you. Tell me, exactly who do you think you're kidding? Everyone will be happy when they find that you're missing. You asked if we'd ever forget you. We've got our fingers crossed, our fingers crossed. so i don't fucking know. i don't know how to fix this shit. i don't know how to make people magically not mad at me. i have to take action if i want change. but right now, i just don't give a fuck. and i just don't know what to do about you. for now, i guess i'll just sit back and see what happens. i don't want to hear anything about you two, though. i don't want to see that side. i'd rather stick to ignorance if it means being happier. i'm glad you care and that's enough for me right now. i really just need someone to understand.

edit. this is a week from hell. they always say things will get worse before they get better. how much fucking worse can this be? you know what? i think i need to say something so everyone can fucking know. that this is what i feel. dear whoever, how the fuck are you? does it feel better without me there? without us there? you have played a significant roll in my life and i'd like to think that means something. nothing should be ripped apart because of something that we don't understand. no, we don't hang out as much as we used to. but times change and people change and that is something that you fucking know. you've changed too. EVERYTHING did. and you know it. maybe i took you for granted, because you were always there. but i'm not going to be the one crawling back to you every time with an apology. maybe this isn't even my fucking place to talk, who knows. but what i do know is that your pretenses are wrong. you've made assumptions about us and proved that assumptions are never right. i don't even feel like finishing this nicely. you all need to fucking shut the hell up. shove all your accusations down your fucking throat because i am sick & tired of this. you have your reasoning but so do we. give us fucking leverage. this isn't going to work if we don't try.

131.

so, school fucking sucked. no surprise. i can't handle the stress this is giving me. i'm not even going to list the things i have to do, because that'll just make me more freaked out. law and chris jung came over for a little after school today. so that was fun. and that was when this picture occured. oh, we are so funny. then i did homework, ha, not really. and then went to the people to people meeting with my father. i cannot tell you the hell i go through when i'm with my father. i'm not going to accept your fucking religion and everything it's put me through for so long. i don't give a shit anymore. and as for you, what the fuck is your problem? i'm no bitch, and you have no right to go to anyone and complain that i am. i piss you off? you fucking piss ME off. to no end. what the fuck ever. but now, i'm in the worst mood i've been in a long time. people are so fucking stupid. 1. you're so gross. you have a disgusting face and a disgusting personality. you're fucking things up now and i would drive your face into concrete if i could. jesus fucking christ, i can't stand you. 2. what the fuck. maybe you are just an asshole like the rest. i didn't want to type that because i don't want to think it. you're different and i know it. but your actions tonight truly showed me a different side. innocence, maybe. i guess it's probably not even your fault. i guess it's just me overreacting. but who knows. this means so much to me. so much that i'm willing to do anything if it means bettering things. you don't understand this and i don't know if you ever will. tonight, i was just confused. you help me but you can't see through me. you're the problem. i never wanted this to happen. i'm not gunna let it show. i don't want to risk it. i just don't know what to do. atleast i have my best friends. and they'll always be on my side. i have a feeling my journal will be hearing a lot out of me tonight. and my head won't hit that pillow for nearly as long as it should. i'm crying already.

edit. i'm extremely lucky to call tracy wang my best friend. thank you for saying exactly what i needed to hear. we learn more about each other every day. i really fucking appreciate you, foog. and i love you. goodnight.

130.

been addicted to this lately. that's the weird thing about music. one song, one line, one word can bring back so many memories. recent ones and ones from the past. that's what this is doing for me. i wouldn't trade it for the world because some of the best memories i have are brought back in this cd. anyway. today was sunday. it wasn't as shitty as always. it hasn't been like that for some time. sure, i was stressed. i still am, most definitely. but whatever. i was alone for most of the day. it's insane how quickly i miss the presence of my best friends. i've pretty much been doing homework and procrastinating all day. my mom left for pennsylvania, on mother's day. miss her. it's almost 8:30 so maybe i should go finish my homework for tomorrow. this weekend was fucking great. xo.

129.

so, today was pretty awesome so far. i mean, i am deathly sick but that's alright. i woke up, showered, and went to best buy to get shiiiit for mother's day. then went to ihop with my mom and brother. now i'm here with laura and tracy :) trying to figure out what we're doing tonight. xo :)

edit. hahaha. we ended up going to applebee's around 8. then mike picked us up and we went to chris jung's house. all of us was me, laura, tracy, mike, chris, mike korb, nik, faye, nick and chrissy. what an interesting night. i still love the people i surround myself with. goodbye.

128.

off to spotlight with laura <3.

edit. ha. what a night. let the record show that a hot sauce competition is intelligence at it's finest. i love the people i surround myself with. goodbye. xo.

127.

left school early today. i'm too sick to deal with people. i am, however, trying to be a nicer person. for you and for several other reasons. anyway. i don't know what to say about this. things have never, ever been weird between any of us. because there's never been a reason like this. i don't know why this is getting in the way. we're all best friends. alright, i know you know this is for you and i know you're reading this. so listen up. what you're doing is selfish. you should never put anything in front of your best friend and their feelings. nothing. music isn't going to be here forever, but hopefully these friendships will be. you hurt her so bad. you have no idea how upset this is making her. i know how she feels. it fucking sucks to feel like you're not cared about. i'm not gunna shit talk either of you because we're best friends. but you really need to consider your actions before you assume you're not hurting anyone. sure, it will make you happy but, honestly. how could you actually be happy knowing your best friend is upset? i never could. so i don't think it's worth it. you both owe her apoligies. but i just don't know what you could do to fix it. i really just have no idea, it's up to you. if she's gunna be stubborn than that's up to her. i just don't want this shit to go on anymore. i've said what i needed to. don't take offense to it. i love you all and nothing is ever going to get in the way of that. in other news, i have homework to do. peace.

126.

love v-necks. today was... eventful. idk. this weekend will be wins. fucking school is stressing me out again. fuck.

edit. i don't know. While you were sleeping, I figured out everything, I was constructed for you and you were molded for me. Now I feel your name coursing through my veins, you shine so bright, it's insane, you put the sun to shame. just about everything reminds me of you. i have so much to say lately but i have no idea how to get it out. i hate that.

125.

new merch always makes me happy. 'Cause, baby, I'm not alright when you go. I'm not fine, please be all mine. I never want you to go because I am all yours, so please be all mine. i don't know what else to do except sit back and let whatever was meant to happen, happen. i love you.

124.

day two of boozle started shitty because it was raining hard. we got there around 12 and got in fast. marissa and i stood under some tent and watched swimming with dolphins and they were SO QT. some guy told marissa that he would make out with her if she bought a shirt. it was an awkward moment, to say the least. after swd we kinda just walked around for a little. it kinda sucked how wet we were. i found sam and mel and lost marissa. because we're all dumb. but we hung out with ziggy for a little and then listened to family force 5. after a little while we found bissy and amanda and went to my favorite highway. they were sooo qt. we went to the maine and then i wanted to go to 3OH!3 so we all split up. i was watching them and then i found gunz. we talked for like, 15 minutes and then he left. after 3OH!3 was owl city, every avenue, a day to remember, valencia and this providence. i was alone that whole time, oh well. i thoroughly enjoyed all of them. i met up with sam and mel and we watched tbs and talked to gunz. after a while i found marissa, sarah and josh and we got ready to leave. it wasn't as AMAZING as day 1 but it was still a fucking great day. i saw so many bands that i needed to. holy shit. so now, i'm home because i didn't go to school :) trying to do homework?! lulz no. okay and, i really need to get this out right now. because people are ridiculous. i don't know why you insist on constantly "reminding" yourself of this. i don't even know what you're getting upset about. it's all just rumors for now. you're not sure of anything right now and neither am i, so it's not worth getting upset about at this point. and as far as talking about it with my best friend, yeah that's just a wonderful idea. not if you bitch at her. you're fucking annoying. just stop. you're not ruining a potentially amazing thing for me. i don't give a fuck. oh well. my life is amazing. xo.

123.

so, day 1 of bamboozle 09 was everything i wanted it to be. i saw the cab, cash cash, cartel, forever the sickest kids, danger radio, cobra starship, all time low and fall out boy. i met all of this providence, all of forever the sickest kids, all of danger radio, nate flynn from sing it loud, eric from the scene aesthetic, brooks from mayday parade, jamie tworkowski of to write love on her arms, and maybe others i don't remember. i was with tor and sam ruh basically the whole day. hahaha meeting jcook 4 times in one day?! i'm so happy for tor, jfc. well, day 2 will hopefully be amazing. it's raining right now but it'll hopefully stop. that's all for now :) xo.

122.

here it is. bamboozle 09. get pumped. xo.

121.

oh wow. last night. it was everything i could've asked for, i love ftsk and cab. forever. i don't feel like writing all the details, maybe i will one day. but right now, double day boozle is in my future. i'm so excited, i have no words. xo.