74.

i'm warning you right now that this will be long. i guess i'll start with yesterday. i woke up at tor's around 10. we went to dunkin donuts, and then took showers and got ready. we went to the mall to meet up with tracy and laura around 2:30. as stated yesterday, pretty much only to take pictures at the apple store. we left around 4. we dropped tracy off and tor, laura and i went back to my house. ( tracy, i miss you :[ ) laura walked home and tor and i got ready to go to sammy's. this is where the problems start. laura came back to my house while we waited for sammy. let me just say this. you, are an asshole. you make us feel guilty and make it seem like it's a huge deal and that we're really fucking ourselves up. yeah, okay. we're fucking smarter than that. you don't have to be an asshole, we're mature enough to decide what we do. and how we handle it. our lives, not yours. if you choose to take your life a different way, that's fine, but we can handle ours. i understand your concern but concern can be pulled off without being an asshole. you, need to grow up. we're not using you. again, you think we're gunna fuck ourselves up. you call us retarded? look at what it did to your family. i don't mean to be a bitch, but seriously. do you think we'd end up like that? because we won't. and this isn't denial, it's the truth. we haven't lost control. whatever. i don't know. the rest of the night was okay. didn't really sleep. the picture up there represents something. you changed a lot because of him and other things and it was really fucking great to be able to talk how we used to. i mean, we were best friends for so long and i'd like to think we still are. you really made things better yesterday and today. anywayz. next topic.. i have a lot to fucking say to you. both of you. 1. are you kidding me? are you really that oblivious? you have NO idea what he's done. you really don't. you don't know how many people he has hurt and how much he could hurt you. and you're setting yourself up for it. don't you get it? he wants to use you. i'm not saying this to hurt you, it's the truth. i mean, seriously. you have this guy who REALLY cares about you and loves you for who you are and you don't see that. you think he's "trapping" you. but he's just trying to protect you. i don't blame him. you're pretty careless when it comes to this. you're throwing away everything you and him have become. and for what? why? for some asshole who wants sex. and because you're bored. you're falling into this trap just like so many people have. i mean, i know we're not close anymore but it still hurts so much to see this happen. i don't want ANYONE to experience the pain that i did. and countless others have. i don't care who you are, you don't deserve that pain. if you don't give him what he wants, he's gunna leave. and then what will you have? seriously. you're making a huge mistake. you're being careless and it kills me. i'm crying because i'd do anything to stop this pain from coming to you. trust me. i made the same mistake. i cheated on someone who really cared about me with someone who didn't give a shit and i regret it more than anything. i didn't know better but now i do. and you should too. everyone should. i can't bare to see this pain on anyone else, even you. i don't know what to do. 2. you. honestly? at first, i thought you were just trying to make me, or anyone jealous. but now i see. you're trying to use her just like you used me. you're so pathetic. just stop, and grow up. you're an asshole and that's all i have to say. stop causing problems for people that just don't give a shit about you. alright. i might be done. today is sunday and i guess that might be adding to my anger and frustration. i feel a lot better that i wrote all of this down, though. i'll probably be writing later for the same reasons ... peace.

edit. we can't be friends. we can't be anything. i hate you and it's as simple as that. no matter what i've ever said in the past, no matter how hypocritical i've become, i know that's true. you're an asshole and it makes me so mad i could cry. i don't know why i'm freaking out right now. i really don't think it's just because it's sunday. i haven't felt like this in god knows how long. i've cried so many times today and i just really couldn't explain why. i have ryan and i want to be happy. why won't it happen? ps. starving your friends is on repeat again. one of those nights.