90.

my ipod. my life. signed by the academy is... could i ask for more? this happened on november 19th at their meet and greet before the show in nyc. i miss them so much. especially today, i dunno why. i hope they play bamboozle this year. i haven't seen them since that day :( it was so great. remember it like it was yesterday. early entry and i got on the meet and greet line with heather and alyssa. then i found sam and everyone. behind the glass i see beckett walk by, and then realize what i'm about to do. as i walked toward the table i knew i might be disappointed, though. i mean, table meet and greets usually suck. but, i gave them all their cards and stuffed animals and they signed my ipod. beckett was last and i still remember how i felt when i mouthed the words "thank you." and he nodded and smiled. i feel super gay but it was exactly what i needed. it was quick, as expected. but of course, my boys stay true. after they met everyone, they got up and walked around and let you take pictures, give them stuff, talk, whatever. it was so genuine. i have never experienced anything like it, before or since. sam and i had probably one of the funniest conversations EVER with mike carden. per usual. mgc was walking around with the lion i gave him in his hoodie, with the head sticking out. it was so qt. sisky was funny as always and i had a nice conversation with butcher about his ever-growing beard. and william. ha. it was unreal. he had my letter and told me that he read everything he was ever given, and mine was equally important to him. it made me feel good. anywayz. they have to go and we get let in for early entry. i don't go in the pit because dnw to sit through everyone (esp wtk -_-) so yeah. i waited for sammy and we walked around with everyone and whatnot during the show. martin johnson showed up and so did andrew de torres so that was a fun time. right after we the kings ended, i had a mission. get close for tai. i always do, no matter what. i called heather to see where she was. she waved her phone. barricade. i told her i'd see her soon. i ran into the pit and by the 3rd song i was 2nd row. i saw heather and she helped me next to her. i was surrounded by dedicated fans. that's what i love about the front. i'm almost shaking writing about this. i miss the feeling of singing along and letting go. by the time the show ended, i was barricade. sisky's pick. it was an amazing night. i miss my boys. this is for you. xo.

89.

the confidence this has given me is unreal. i am never looking back. i am happy and i don't care what you're doing. i'm better off without you. 3 days til a day to remember. 4 days of school until break. i'm done with my homework already. today is a wonderful day.

edit. to do list; bamboozle tickets. danger radio tickets. zoo moneys. global paper outline.

edit 2. i guess that really worked. got my boozle tickets, got the zoo money, and did some of my outline. ahaha stay motivated bro. peace.

88.

8 gauge. ears hurt. and i hate sundays. i finished my global project but i still have to study for 2 tests tomorrow. 4 days until a day to remember and 5 until break. i need this. i don't find a lot to write about lately. idky. maybe it's because you're gone. but that's a good thing. oh well. xo.

87.

hello. first off, this is my 100th post. pretty insane. anyway. today, i went to the mall with dalaw and dafoog. fun times as always. i can usually narrow it down to 2 or 4 pictures from the apple store, but we were just being so qt today. so 6 it is. we left the mall after like, 5 hours and got ice cream. lalala i love my best friends more than anyone else. xo.

86.

hello. law and i discovered the amazingness of puddles today. more on my flickr. i'm hanging out with my best franz today :) law, tor and tracy! wez going to the movies. lalala okay bye !

85.

i woke up to this at 6:30am. today was okay. i did half of my homework in school. and i'm pretty much finished now. all i have to do is study hardcore for my math test tomorrow. orthodontist in an hour. funnnn. anyway. pretty. odd. came out one year ago today, and i didn't realize it until ryro pointed it out. it has been on repeat since yesterday.. weird how things work out like that. and also, i really love these lyrics right now.. "I have loved and I have lost, I have turned and I have tossed. I have listened and I have watched. I gave into this for long enough. I have lost and I have loved. Sleep has stolen far too much. So don't close your eyes, not just yet. Sleep is just a cousin of death." and i don't know why i don't have a lot to write about lately. oh well. check out my flickr. goodbye.

84.

always click to enlarge. the world is a whole lot different if only you look in the mirror. i've been adding pictures to my flickr like crazy. hell yeeeah. http://www.flickr.com/photos/catxclandestine/ for your enjoyment, maybe. idk about this. "And even though you mean so much to me, I can't wait through everything." who knows. i just want this week to be over and it to be thursday next week so i can be at a day to remember. and then spring break. there's no reason for me to be in school.

edit. this is entertaining. look at my hair! june 08; http://s5.tinypic.com/2dabpki.jpg march 09; http://s5.tinypic.com/30vch0p.jpg wahahahaaaaaa.

83.

oh lunchtime with my best friends. that gatorade surprisingly lasted me from the beginning of the day until 8th period. hell yeah. i'm not finding much to write about lately. i've become stressed again. it sucks. 9 days until a day to remember and i can't wait. anyway. i'm not in love with you. and i don't know if i ever will be. that's the only thing that scares me.

82.

clarity. you're gunna wanna click to enlarge. write later. peace.

81.

first off. it's sunday. dnw. but guess what that is ... the camera i've been saving up for, for over a year. and i got it today. i'm basically dying. nikon d40. slr. i can't wait to buy different lenses. i'm dying, it's so nice. this picture was taken with my (now) old camera. and it will be the last one taken with that one. get ready for much better pictures. i'm so excited. anyway. the words "i'm sorry" mean you have sorrow for what you did and you won't do it again. so as you can see they are used very loosely and don't mean too much. even from me. i will do it again and you and i both know it. of course, i would never put it in front of you. never. but you don't seem to believe that by any means. your friends are wrong and what they said about me isn't true. i don't know why you would choose to believe them over me. what you are isn't what you always are, despite what they said. you'll never read this so i'll be blunt (ha). i will do it again. if it becomes that much of a problem, i'll stop but until then you have to trust me. i'm fine. but now i'm not afraid. not afriad to be hurt because i can handle it. but can you?

never trust someone who kisses with their eyes open.

80.

empty. it's one of those weekends. idk. peace.

79.

accepted. jakelyn's tonight with the best - tor + ryan. peace. i don't even know what i'm doing tonight.

78.

love this time of day. looked outside and literally ran out to take pictures. yes, i'm a loser. tomorrow is friday and also the first day of spring. too bad it's supposed to be cold. oh well. i really need this weekend. only two more weeks until spring break (and a day to fucking remember!) but yeah. i'm still getting emotional for some reason. alright so, i really think that this is a good idea. i mean, you're going to last so long and it will work out so great in the end! the age difference totally doesn't matter, you guys will be cute and happy together! you really should believe all the promises he makes you because we will never hurt you, ever, and he will never let you down! believe me, everything with him ends up well and i think it's soooo awesome that you're involved with him now! like really, it's such a smart thing to be doing. especially love the part where you get rid of the totally annoying boyfriend. i mean, your life is just falling together perfectly! so jealous! .......hope you caught on to the sarcasm, i was laying it on pretty thick. you're stupid and you're going to get hurt. whatever. bye!

77.

shitty picture today but it's alright. i'll be getting my camera soon enough. being that i have enough money and all. that saving up really paid off. so, the interview. i wasn't nervous and there was no reason to be. the lady that interviewed me, liz, was really nice and we talked about school and traveling and photography and a lot of different things in the course of 20 minutes. it was actually more of a conversation than an interview. she said she found no reason to not accept me and that i was pretty much done, she just had to go over my letters of recommendation. good thing i picked teachers that love me. she said she'd let me know for sure with a specific email by friday. hey, looks like i'm goin to europe. xo.

76.

i don't really have a story for you today. i'm happy despite the crying and still trying to figure out how that could be. i figured out a way to explain the crying part, at least. sometimes you have to cry for no reason, to make up for all the times you wanted to cry and didn't. makes sense. either way, i'm way happy right now. today i discovered that life isn't about worrying about what you're doing with your future and how you plan on getting there. nothing will happen if you don't take action but everything that's meant to happen will. that's what fate is for, right? everything happens for a reason. i believe that. i've been stressin about life lately and it's just stupid. i'll work hard for what i want but i want have a heart attack over it, yaknow? i feel like i never say things right on here. oh well. i have my interview for people to people tomorrow at the library. i need my questionaire and 3 letters of recommendations and to make a good impression on this lady. i'd die if i didn't get in. wish me luck. xo.

75.

today was ... eventful, you might say. i'll start from the beginning. me crying in 4 different periods came as a warning that today might be pretty emotional. so after school was okay, better than planned. i walked to my house with ryan and laura, and dropped off my books. then i went to laura's. my best fraaaaan. this is where the picture up there happened. because best friends make each other food :). then we did some homework and watched "a lot like love" and died, basically. after i came home there were some serious issues. i'm not saying this is a bad day because i haven't smiled so wide in a while. so here it goes. these are my final words. if your definition of "forever" was put into dictionaries, forever would be a lot shorter than most people expected. you are a foolish person and i hope you have come to realize that. i know it's not completely your fault, but come on. i never said you fucked up my whole life but you sure as hell affected it, for over a year. i've been waiting so long to finally say what i said to you tonight. and it's done, as simply as that. i felt myself give a pang of mercy when you apoligized but i remembered how many times those words have left your mouth, and how little they mean to me now. i don't feel bad for you. i don't care that i'm a bitch. you deserve it. and you're wrong. you can't pretend like you never met me. but what has happened is over. tonight was the closure i needed and so is this blog. to have you out of my life means freedom to me. "i'm finally over you because i no longer fear falling back in love with you." and it couldn't have been said better. this is done and over. and so are we. i've said it a million times but this is for real. this is what i need.

74.

i'm warning you right now that this will be long. i guess i'll start with yesterday. i woke up at tor's around 10. we went to dunkin donuts, and then took showers and got ready. we went to the mall to meet up with tracy and laura around 2:30. as stated yesterday, pretty much only to take pictures at the apple store. we left around 4. we dropped tracy off and tor, laura and i went back to my house. ( tracy, i miss you :[ ) laura walked home and tor and i got ready to go to sammy's. this is where the problems start. laura came back to my house while we waited for sammy. let me just say this. you, are an asshole. you make us feel guilty and make it seem like it's a huge deal and that we're really fucking ourselves up. yeah, okay. we're fucking smarter than that. you don't have to be an asshole, we're mature enough to decide what we do. and how we handle it. our lives, not yours. if you choose to take your life a different way, that's fine, but we can handle ours. i understand your concern but concern can be pulled off without being an asshole. you, need to grow up. we're not using you. again, you think we're gunna fuck ourselves up. you call us retarded? look at what it did to your family. i don't mean to be a bitch, but seriously. do you think we'd end up like that? because we won't. and this isn't denial, it's the truth. we haven't lost control. whatever. i don't know. the rest of the night was okay. didn't really sleep. the picture up there represents something. you changed a lot because of him and other things and it was really fucking great to be able to talk how we used to. i mean, we were best friends for so long and i'd like to think we still are. you really made things better yesterday and today. anywayz. next topic.. i have a lot to fucking say to you. both of you. 1. are you kidding me? are you really that oblivious? you have NO idea what he's done. you really don't. you don't know how many people he has hurt and how much he could hurt you. and you're setting yourself up for it. don't you get it? he wants to use you. i'm not saying this to hurt you, it's the truth. i mean, seriously. you have this guy who REALLY cares about you and loves you for who you are and you don't see that. you think he's "trapping" you. but he's just trying to protect you. i don't blame him. you're pretty careless when it comes to this. you're throwing away everything you and him have become. and for what? why? for some asshole who wants sex. and because you're bored. you're falling into this trap just like so many people have. i mean, i know we're not close anymore but it still hurts so much to see this happen. i don't want ANYONE to experience the pain that i did. and countless others have. i don't care who you are, you don't deserve that pain. if you don't give him what he wants, he's gunna leave. and then what will you have? seriously. you're making a huge mistake. you're being careless and it kills me. i'm crying because i'd do anything to stop this pain from coming to you. trust me. i made the same mistake. i cheated on someone who really cared about me with someone who didn't give a shit and i regret it more than anything. i didn't know better but now i do. and you should too. everyone should. i can't bare to see this pain on anyone else, even you. i don't know what to do. 2. you. honestly? at first, i thought you were just trying to make me, or anyone jealous. but now i see. you're trying to use her just like you used me. you're so pathetic. just stop, and grow up. you're an asshole and that's all i have to say. stop causing problems for people that just don't give a shit about you. alright. i might be done. today is sunday and i guess that might be adding to my anger and frustration. i feel a lot better that i wrote all of this down, though. i'll probably be writing later for the same reasons ... peace.

edit. we can't be friends. we can't be anything. i hate you and it's as simple as that. no matter what i've ever said in the past, no matter how hypocritical i've become, i know that's true. you're an asshole and it makes me so mad i could cry. i don't know why i'm freaking out right now. i really don't think it's just because it's sunday. i haven't felt like this in god knows how long. i've cried so many times today and i just really couldn't explain why. i have ryan and i want to be happy. why won't it happen? ps. starving your friends is on repeat again. one of those nights.

73.

hello. i love my best friends more than you know. we go to the mall solely to take pictures in the apple store. okay going to sammy's for the night. xo.

72.

i'm in such a good mood today. i'm not even gunna say "despite of everything" because i just don't care anymore ! i've disregarded how i make people feel (for now) because i'm just trying to live my life. i also just realized how much of an asshole i sound like. but i don't care. today is a good day. it's friday and i basically have no homework. i've barely had any since wednesday. thank god for this break. tonight, i'm going to my friend alyssa's sweet 16 with my best friend. turrrrr haaaay. then, i'm sleeping over her house! so yayayay. this is the kind of day i need. and tomorrow will hopefully be fun, too, AHAHA. life. okay well, i've got to pack and take a shower and get ready, and leave by 6:20 YEAH TUR, THAT'S RIGHT. so i'll be goin now. peace. xo.

71.

today was okay. this is me and michael out for ice cream this afternoon. trips with him are always the best. whenever i start a blog i'm thinking to myself, this one will be short, i don't even feel like writing. but then it just pours out. the past 2 days have been so .. idek. weird. confusing. self-conflicting. i don't know. it just sucks. i'm falling back into my old habits. both with my daily activities and how i talk to people. i never wanted to be like this. it's fucking stupid and i don't know why i can't just change. i'd always blame it on you but i know it's not all your fault. i was fucked to begin with. you might not have realized it, you still might not have, but the change you made in me was radical. every feeling and thought that occurred in me was exemplified and worsened. i tell this to myself and other people but i just can't tell you. what am i even afraid of anymore? you can't affect me. atleast that's what i need to believe. i just wish it would just stop. you, my friend, were once my only regret. i try not to have them but somehow i just can't get around this one. i'm not obsessive or whatever people think. you just changed me in a way that i could never describe. i wish i was the better person i hoped to be. i don't know. you fucked up my past and maybe even my present, but i'll be DAMNED if you fuck up my future. goodbye.

edit. maybe i overreact sometimes. you make me smile on your good days. don't disregard that up there, i still feel it. but maybe we can be better.

70.

ahaha. kind of my signature sound. (can't believe you missed it). whenever i forget these, i'm fucked, so that's why they're on my hip 24/7. so, today was kinda... i don't even know. first of all, i don't know what to think or say or do about this. maybe i WAS right. maybe i'm not ready. i don't know. but i appreciate you being there anyway. also... you need to get out of my life. now. i don't need you, you're an arrogant asshole, and i certainly don't "want" you as much as you seem to think i do. i might've been stupid in the past and said and done things i shouldn't have but this is now. i'm smarter. certainly a lot smarter than you, and smart enough not to fall for your tricks. so basically, we used each other. i guess we were both hurt in the end. and i guess we can't be friends like i thought we could. you just make me so mad. and i'm not cheating on anyone else with you. that guilt is not mine anymore. this is over. i've said it so many times and i want it to be true.

69.

no explanation. this one's for me.

edit. we're perfect even when we're not. you are all i needed.

68.

idk. idc. this fits my mood right now. click for better quality. ugh idek. i feel guilty and stupid and i don't even know. i have to mess EVERYTHING up, right? jfc. a good thing happens to me, an amazing thing, and i don't even know how to react. i'm too uptight and caught up in my own problems and i'm sick of it. why can't i just be with you without being afraid? i'm hurting myself at this point. i think out things way too much. why can't i just let something be, for what it is? why do i need to anylyze every single fucking thing that happens to me? i don't want to mess this up and i probably already have. i regret it. ugh this is stupid. i don't know what to do. i don't even care about school anymore. why the fuck am i turning back into who i used to be. i hate this. why the fuck am i like this.

67.

i guess this needs a little explaining. it's what happens when i listen to the cab while doing my math homework. 365 days ago. march 8th, 2008. one of the greatest shows i've ever been to. cobra starship, the cab, & we the kings. i keep looking back and pulling up more memories from that day. these are the days i will never forget. what's better than seeing some of your favorite bands with your 2 best friends and countless others? what's better than meeting some of the sweetest people on the planet and hanging out with them? what's better than making memories you'll never forget? "remain the same" comes from "take my hand" by the cab. it's the simplicity of the message that makes it so meaningful, am i right? remain the same. don't change up your life for anyone else. do what you want to do. say what you want to say. live how you want to live. and don't let anyone tell you that you're doing it wrong. it's something that i need to be reminded of from time to time. and my lifestyle includes going to all the shows i can. it's been over a month since one.. and i know i sound selfish but that's pretty long for me. i miss it but i need to go to europe this summer. i've got a couple coming up in the middle of april so it's all good. so, thank you to everyone who was invloved with this day, one year ago today. miss you all. xo.

66.

today was so fun. best friends and you. i really couldn't ask for anything better. minus laura of course :( so obviously, apple store pictures are obligatory during trips to the mall. and they are always a fun time. i really love my friends more than you'll ever know. also, i saw muh bb on a tv screen. bryceeee :) it made me so happy! anyway. tomorrow is sunday and i always feel like the weekends go so fast. i have homework i need to do, and i need to memorize something. i feel like i'll be really stressed tomorrow. hi anixety. just kidding, it's coming now. oh shit. sunday will probably do what it usually does to me. awesome.

65.

hellooooo. i'm with my best friends right now, missed them so much! only tracy is here though, because tor and laura are "sleeping" in my room upstairs. hehe. tonight was a lot of fun, WAHAHA. ps. we grow closer each and every day.

64.

the last bit of sunshine at the end of the day. always a sigh of relief, i don't know why. it's peaceful. "It's a new day, it's a bright day, even when you stand in the dark. It's just that you've been broken into fifty pieces. Today is gone. I'm the only light that you see. You need someone, I know all you needed was me. Everyday we wake if it takes too long, just tell me something new. Forget about the sunshine when it's gone." so today was good. i guess there's nothing exceptionally bad or anything this week. it's good. i wish i had a larger vocabulary. stress has not lately been taking over my life, but it has taken over yours. it was almost like passing the flame along. i'm sorry because i don't know what to do. i want to help you but i just don't know how. it's been hard here, i know. but we're together, and it's been proven that that's all we need. i'm sorry i'm not always the greatest. but i really do appreciate you, no matter what you think. please take a step back and look at your life. you don't need anyone else to tell you what they think is wrong. you need to see it yourself, and i guess the problem is that you don't. you don't want to because you know the answer. idk. i wish this was a better situation. anyway. rms. you are, in fact, the greatest. i don't know why i'm so afraid of this. when i came to that realization, i didn't know what to do. i still don't know what to do. how can i overcome something i didn't even know was there? i wish we could talk about it but i don't want to upset you. please forgive me. i'll come around eventually... i hope.

63.

i took this in school hahaha. fun. i'm not such a ~designer~ person but this bag is my life. anyway, today was gooood i guess. nothing particularly bad. my stomach also dropped 96382 times today. but it was all good. you make me the happiest i have been in a long time. you are everything i've wanted with no down side. seriously. you're perfect. i haven't known you long and i like you more than i have ANYONE in a long time. and that's a good sign. i have such a good feeling about you. i hope our future is everything i (we?) want it to be. "Say it's true, or everything that matters breaks in two. Say it's true, I'll never ask for anyone but you." i'm smiling now. xo.

edit. why do i feel almost guilty when i'm not struggling in life? what kind of fucking person am i? jesus christ. set me fucking straight. i don't know where i'm going.

62.

shoooo, this came in the mail today. april 09 issue. it will be my last for the subscription, which was free by the way. i need to renew it ahaha. anyway. today was okay. snow is not fun to walk in though. school day went by fast, like it has been lately. awesome. also, my stomach dropped 21385721 times today, both for good and bad reasons. (more for good.) i now know what it's like to freak out completely. the thing is, a lot of them happened at the same time for different reasons. so idk. but whatever. simply; i don't know what to do. i don't know what to do. i don't know what to do. i don't know what to do. i don't know what to do. about any of this. i'm caught in between you two. i don't know what i'm doing, but i sure as hell know what i want. i need some serious thinking before i do what i need to do. whatever that may be. wow. they just both disappointed me at the same time. asfjghaksjfa. i don't know. that seems to be a reoccuring theme. now, if you'll excuse me. i haven't eaten in 9 hours ... for some reason. so yeeeep. goodnight.

61.

today is a monumental day. commack schools has a snow day! it's snowing sooo much, it has been since last night. atleast a foot out there. almost my entire outdoor firepit is covered. oh man. today has been fun, i guess? ahahaha life. i wish i could go outside and take pictures! but my camera would get wet and so would i. oh well. maybe we'll have another snow day tomorrow! and maybe i'll write later :). hehe byeeee.

edit. i don't know what to do with guys anymore. between these 3 i don't even know what i'm doing. i say stupid things to all of them. only one of them i actually genuinely like. i don't want to fuck things up and i already kinda did. idk. 1. i don't know why i still talk to you. it's just preventing you from forgetting me. 2. i don't know why i always make mistakes when dealing with you. if this happens.. i don't know. i really don't. there will probably be some sort of consequence, especially in my own mind. i'll never live this down. 3. i'm talking to you right now. i don't want to fuck up things with you, because i really think something good could be in the works right now. i think i really like you. and it's perfect. let's see where this goes. ps. i don't know why i write here. i can't use names. i'll leave that to my journal. good night, wish me luck walking to school in the SNOW tomorrow. xo.

60.

man, i haven't worked with this stuff in forever. blast from the past. i'm gettin creative on my english project. it's on to kill a mockingbird, and i'm making the diary of boo radley. fairly easy so far. i would obviously pick the most creative option hahaha. yeah so, i don't know why i'm doing my homework so early, but i am. i guess it's because i'm avoiding cleaning. oh well. ugh. also. i don't know why i can't talk to you. all you say is, "it's just weird now." well yeah, no shit, i know that. and it fucking hurts like crazy. after 5 minutes, i give up. you don't want to talk to me anymore, so why try? it's just stupid. i don't even know. it's sunday again and i hope it isn't as shitty as my past couple sundays. oh well. we'll see. xo.