i'm not that stressed but i've got bigger problems. i don't even care to talk about it here. i have nothing to do on a friday, and i'm sitting in my house. whatever. maybe i'll write later.
edit. i have starving your friends on repeat right now. i don't know why but it fits my mood at the moment. "Cause I fall three times as hard if its for nothing at all, you all seem twice as tall as I will ever be, and I feel terribly small when my head works too hard. When you think with your chest, there's not a thing that you don't see. I'm hardly capable of half the damage that I would like to do. I could swear that I don't care but you know I'm too full of shit to think this through. So look at me, I pray to god but curse too much to be considered true. I'm just like me, I'm just like to me, so who the hell are you?" idk. i feel like i have a lot to say right now but i don't know what to say. i feel numb. i think maybe i'll try to get some stuff out. but it's late and i might not make any sense at all. but that's usual. first of all. (wow, i'm already tearing up.) first of all. i don't know why you tell me i'm gunna fuck up my life and destroy it and i'm not gunna be able to control anything anymore. believe me, i know myself a lot better than you ever got the chance to. please. i know how i am and what i do. if i was doing something that put me outside of my comfort zone, i wouldn't do it. i come to you, upset, and you just yell at me because you "care so much about me." that makes a lot of sense, right? it makes sense to make me cry more. i don't get how we are. i feel like you could never value me as a person. so why should i believe that you care? the past is the past, and i know that, but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt anymore. i don't know what to say anymore so i'll stop now. i'm not gunna say second now, because this could lead to a lot of things. i don't know why i didn't do anything tonight. i guess i need nights like this once in a while but i usually end up thinking too much and getting sad about something or other. it's the kind of quiet disposition that only you yourself can understand. i don't know what to say anymore. i'm sitting here thinking about god knows what. idk. i just feel so alone sometimes. the thing that happens is like, i feel like someone doesn't like me, so when i talk to them, it's weird. and then gradually, we just stop talking. and then i won't talk to them anymore because i feel like they don't want to, and they probably feel the same way. it's a vicious cycle. yes, i'm thinking about one person in particular, but that's nothing new. it's always that one person. i just don't understand what's happening. i need the help you gave me. you have this new exciting life with all these new people and have forgotten about me. well guess what. i loved you. so much it hurt. i probably still do. i probably always will. i don't know why you didn't see that. or just never cared. god, i fucking miss you. there's no other way i can say it. i miss you in my life and i wish you could see that. things are supposed to be "better" but we show no signs of it. i'm tired of this. you said you'd never hurt me. but i guess a lot of people lie about that. i don't know why i keep talking. it's gunna get me in trouble one day. maybe i should write in my actual journal more, and not post it here. idk. why do tears always come so easy to me. i cry over every little thing. it makes me feel dumb. and why the fuck am i so random. ugh. this is deffinitely more than too long. i know i'm gunna have more to say, so i guess i'll put that in my actual journal. idk. peace.
edit. i have starving your friends on repeat right now. i don't know why but it fits my mood at the moment. "Cause I fall three times as hard if its for nothing at all, you all seem twice as tall as I will ever be, and I feel terribly small when my head works too hard. When you think with your chest, there's not a thing that you don't see. I'm hardly capable of half the damage that I would like to do. I could swear that I don't care but you know I'm too full of shit to think this through. So look at me, I pray to god but curse too much to be considered true. I'm just like me, I'm just like to me, so who the hell are you?" idk. i feel like i have a lot to say right now but i don't know what to say. i feel numb. i think maybe i'll try to get some stuff out. but it's late and i might not make any sense at all. but that's usual. first of all. (wow, i'm already tearing up.) first of all. i don't know why you tell me i'm gunna fuck up my life and destroy it and i'm not gunna be able to control anything anymore. believe me, i know myself a lot better than you ever got the chance to. please. i know how i am and what i do. if i was doing something that put me outside of my comfort zone, i wouldn't do it. i come to you, upset, and you just yell at me because you "care so much about me." that makes a lot of sense, right? it makes sense to make me cry more. i don't get how we are. i feel like you could never value me as a person. so why should i believe that you care? the past is the past, and i know that, but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt anymore. i don't know what to say anymore so i'll stop now. i'm not gunna say second now, because this could lead to a lot of things. i don't know why i didn't do anything tonight. i guess i need nights like this once in a while but i usually end up thinking too much and getting sad about something or other. it's the kind of quiet disposition that only you yourself can understand. i don't know what to say anymore. i'm sitting here thinking about god knows what. idk. i just feel so alone sometimes. the thing that happens is like, i feel like someone doesn't like me, so when i talk to them, it's weird. and then gradually, we just stop talking. and then i won't talk to them anymore because i feel like they don't want to, and they probably feel the same way. it's a vicious cycle. yes, i'm thinking about one person in particular, but that's nothing new. it's always that one person. i just don't understand what's happening. i need the help you gave me. you have this new exciting life with all these new people and have forgotten about me. well guess what. i loved you. so much it hurt. i probably still do. i probably always will. i don't know why you didn't see that. or just never cared. god, i fucking miss you. there's no other way i can say it. i miss you in my life and i wish you could see that. things are supposed to be "better" but we show no signs of it. i'm tired of this. you said you'd never hurt me. but i guess a lot of people lie about that. i don't know why i keep talking. it's gunna get me in trouble one day. maybe i should write in my actual journal more, and not post it here. idk. why do tears always come so easy to me. i cry over every little thing. it makes me feel dumb. and why the fuck am i so random. ugh. this is deffinitely more than too long. i know i'm gunna have more to say, so i guess i'll put that in my actual journal. idk. peace.
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you know i'm here if you want to talk
iloveyoukiddy
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