54.

ugh. so this is my desk on a busy day. (aka every day i have school.) this is bullshit. i have so much homework. i'm feeling stressed already. this is not good. it's only monday. the first day of 6 straight weeks of school. i can't do this. i don't know why all this pressure is put on me, and students in general. brb, crying, because i have 2-5 hours of homework every night. and no time for other shit. this is stupid. okay well, i've done almost all of it so far .. just have to read 2 chapters and answer questions. so i guess that's good. i want to have better days. i don't think i even make sense. oh well. i'm gunna go have dinner, maybe i'll write later. (i always say that, but almost never do... maybe it's time for a change.)

edit. i'm actually back because today got worse. i just fell into the dark. i hope it's not a long term thing. this is not a cry for help or anything. i just need to say what i feel i need to. it might not, scratch that, it won't make sense. but that's for no one to worry about. i just don't think i'm up for this anymore. i have a semi-charmed life. i have everything i feel i need and then i feel i have nothing at all. this might sound like i'm being selfish but i know i'm not, so it's okay. i just feel like i'm crying all the time for reasons i don't even know about. like right now. i'm trying to say that i'm not okay but i just don't know why or how to spell it out. even to myself. i want everything to be good and easy, but it seems like it never stays that way for long. if i try to give examples, they will sound trivial and meaningless but i'll try anyway. school has never been such a big problem for me. how many people know that i cry every day without fail because of stress? no, i don't want you to feel bad. that's just a fact. things just keep coming at me and i feel such fucking anxiety it's ridiculous. i'm a perfectionist. i can't help it. i don't even know how to keep up with my own life anymore. i'm not gunna sit here and tell whoever about how broken and fucked up my life is, because truth is, it's not. it's just not. but somethings missing. and i feel like it's my own fault. like if i was a different sort of person, maybe i would be happier. and that's exactly what bothers me. it's not like i'm a horrible person (anymore.) i just don't know. i am absolutely relentless at this thing called life. i try so hard to make it perfect and in the end i make it worse. i don't know what to do anymore. i don't know what anyone could tell me to make it better. because it doesn't make sense, not even to me. the problem is me. i hope i can fix this before i let it take the best of me.