38.

so tonight was pretty fun. this morning wasn't. let's start from the beginging. i woke up at 10, did whatever, watched tv, did half of my homework and whatever. then my mom made me clean pm everything. i was done at like, 5, and then i showered and got ready. i went to ihop with katrina, natalie, alejandro and matt. katrina and nat pictured above. it was a lot of fun but i felt distant. it wasn't their faults, it was mine. i was worried. i can't exactly say here as per people may read this and be offended. so i'll keep that to myself. i don't know why i'm freaking out about this. it's only one night. things like this, i swore wouldn't get to me. that was one of my new year's resolutions. i've been really good about it. but everyone gets this way sometimes. i'm not exactly jealous. i don't know how to describe it. all i know is that i want to cry. it feels like everyone is cutting me out of their life. i don't deserve to feel like this and they don't deserve to be treated badly. it's no one's fault but my own. but it's just not fair. i need help just like everybody else. "when you're down, just remember that i love you!" is not always enough. i don't want to seem selfish and give off the attitude that i "deserve more." because you have your lives, too. it just feels shitty. i don't know why. don't ask me to explain it. i'm having a fight with myself in my head right now about how i feel. i just don't know. this is the downside to me. i'm so confusing, i don't know what i'm feeling, let alone how to express it. and then i just go on rants like i am. i don't know. i really just don't know anymore. tomorrow is sunday and i hate sundays. so maybe it won't be better. maybe it will. who knows. we'll see. xo.