228.

backround of my computer. today, i was missing him so much. this is stephen bryce avary, if you didn't know. well, i'm pretty much dying to know the release date of his new cd, of angels and men. he's been working on it since last november! but i don't blame him for taking so long. i mean, i would take a long time, too, if i was the only one in the band. he plays guitar, bass, drums, piano, organ and sings. so amazing. so talented. i miss this man! the last time i saw him was october 4th, 2008. way too long ago. he's touring this fall with forever the sickest kids, sing it loud, and 2 other bands i don't know yet. um, excited much?! i'm dying for those dates, too. going to at least 3. of course. well, i could go on forever about him. but i'll stop. my day wasn't too exciting? sat around for a while and then decided to shower and stuff. finally went to best buy to see what i could do about my camera. guessssss what. i had to send bpitt in to be repaired :( he's expected home on august 28th. so far away! i guess i'll have to stick to cell phone pictures for a while :( kinda sad about all that. did other stuff today, too. couldn't go to the library to get my summer reading books because it was closed. damn. i really need to start that shit, haha. i'm such a procrastinator. oh, and i also found out today that i was put into pre-ib global again, even though i requested regular? wtf is going on. i swear to god, if i am swamped this year like i was last year, someone will loose a life. ugh. anyway. after errands, mother and i got ~dinner~ at wendy's. we talked a lot. about the divorce and everything. she kept asking if i was definitely okay with it. i mean, i guess i am? it's gunna suck, but what can i do? tell her not to divorce him? i don't want her to be unhappy anymore. really. i love my dad deep down, and so does she, but no one can take his bullshit anymore. him simply walking by me and saying something pisses me off. idk. and i was thinking today, about my sweet sixteen. we talked about that too. my mom said it was disgusting that he's not coming. and i agree, but what else can i expect? my dad is an asshole, plain and simple. i wish i could have a normal christmas like everyone else. normal birthdays. i wish i didn't have to leave my house to celebrate everything. i wish i didn't have to explain to my family and friends why my dad is never there. it just sucks. my sweet sixteen is in exactly 369 days. and i already know what it's gunna be like when i'm getting ready for it that morning. my dad avoiding me. all of us. he probably won't even be home. whatever. day to day is normal. but i know what it's like behind every show he puts on. he thinks my mom doesn't tell me anything. ha. i'm actually kinda glad they're getting divorced. don't have to live with him anymore. i know that's kind of selfish but idk.. i'll be happier i guess. but most importantly, my mom will be. idk about mike at this point. but that's a bridge we'll cross when we get there. i guess i just had to rant about this today. anyway. got home a little while ago. mom's pissing me off. oh well. oh, another thing. you made me so happy the other night, i hope you know that. i mean, i told you, but i don't think you know how much i meant it. after that, i stopped feeling ignored. yeah, we're not exactly consistant, but it doesn't matter. you know you mean a lot to me. but really, last night, this was playing in my head; "You're just a letdown, another one of my mistakes." not really the mistake part, but definitely letdown. idk. you sometimes do those things to me. it's kind of hard to know whether i should be upset or not, because we're not exactly anything. friends, i guess? but something more at the same time. so i don't know what to expect. well, i'm not mad. just disappointed sometimes. anyway. i hope the rest of the night goes well. haven't written this much in a while. haven't exactly been pouring out my heart. this felt good. xo.

edit. awwww, you're adorable.