243.

ahahaha so basically spent the whole day with laura. making fun of each other, computer, spongebob, naps, laughing, making and eating food, begging for more food..... the usual. my dad finally got us our rainbow cookies, mmmm. delish. 11:11, make a wish. i know what mine is! hmmm.. not really much to write about. laur left a little while ago. i'm probably gunna go read jane eyre and then go to sleep early tonight. gotta start getting used to that.... school in 9 days. fuck.

242.

hahaha, spent the beginning of today looking for a ride to bay shore and reading my summer reading book. fun? at 3:30 my aunt drove me to jon's house! got there and alexa and her friend were already there. pretty soon, bryan and alex showed up. ahhhhhhhhh euro friends! i friggin missed them so much. we chilled, ate, and then went into jon's basement. then greg carman showed up, THAT DICK. hahaha. i love them all, seriously :) the entire day was so much fun, and of course jon and greg tortured me =[ lmfao like always. OH! we walked to this park near jon's house and greg bought me ice cream. mmm spongebob. LOL. bryan got stuck in this kiddie swing, as you see. hahahah fucking love him. and then we met one of jon's friends, chris. woooo new friends! twas a really fun time. we went back to jon's and ate his funfetti cake which was delish btw. hide and seek? hahaha we're all so awesome. there were mosquitos everywhere, so we went back inside. chilled in the basement and just talked. awwwshet, i miss being with them 24/7 in europa. so much fun. got picked up around 9:30 and went home. wasn't really an interesting night after that. all i have to say is that you make me insanely happy. and that's all that matters. love.

241.

what did i even dooooo today? my life is so boring. it's saturday, right? haaaaa. i was kinda stressed. didn't start my summer reading because i'm a douchebag. uhhh. mom came home and we talked about cape cod. word. stressed. uhhhhh. met law halfway at some point. duh. like always. "I'M WEARING A RED SHIRT...... THAT'S NOT ME." lmfao life. well, we went back to the house, looked at school stuff, ughhhh. then we went to tropical smoothie / mario's because we're fat. it was goooooood. mmmm. i don't really remember what the fuck we even did after that. had fun doing nothing of course. eventually we decided to go on a random walk? we walked for maddd long, all over the neighborhood over here. probably around 45 minutes. got back and watched the beginning of hitch. she went home at 11 and then we were on the phone and watched the rest of hitch. hahaha i love my best friend. now we're talking online and watching i am sam. holy shit, this movie. it fucking gets me everytimeee. ah well, hopefully my life gets more interesting. (:

ps. you make me so fucking happy, y'know that? love<3.

edit. i feel really fucking lame right now, but i need to say this somewhere. sometimes when it gets really late, all i want to do is talk to you. i just want to be with you. it sucks that i have you, but not completely. i really don't even know what to think. it's insane. once school starts, this is gunna suck. it is. whether you know it or not. so, you promised. hopefully you don't break promises. ugh. well, it's 2:30am... still watching i am sam. this movie. ahhh. i don't know how to organize thoughts anymore. wtffff so tired. WELL, the point is. i love you. yeah, that's pretty much the only way to put it. xo.

240.

ohay. today was...... uneventful. i pretty much did nothing until my mom got home at 5:30. we went to the library and they didn't have either one of my summer reading books? really? oh. so uhhh, went to barnes and noble and bought jane eyre. 1984 idek about. should probably find a way to get that soon. oh, also. jane eyre is 524 pages long. fuckin a. lmfao my life. anyway, after that, we went to go see inglourious basterds. holy. fuck. greatest movie. and not only because BRAD PITT is in it. it seriously is great. ahhhhh. well, after the movie, got home around 10pm. shit mannn. pretty soon, chris, marietta, joe and meghan show up. chilled with marietta. yaknow. talked about everything. took pictures obviously. i hate being bored. school in 12 days. FUCK.

239.

sooooo, woke up at 9am and chilled. started getting ready and tor and amanda picked me up at 1pm! stopped at mcdonald's and then got to the crazy donkey around 1:30. fun timessss. we made friends with a girl named sam, and yeahhh that would lead to many more friendships hahaha. met suarez within 20 minutes :). how qt. don't really feel like going over the entire 5 hours of waiting, but it was really fun. once sam, shaunna and mel came we were pretty much together the whole time. twas funnn. got in around 6:15pm, and pretty much went straight to our spot outside. dj skeet skeet and the friday night boys played and i really don't give a shit about either of them. talked to a lot of people over the fence as always. talked to gunz as always. hmm, what else? OHYEAHHH. during someone's set, vicky-t came outside with us with 2 of her friends and chilled with us. we played would you rather for a good 20 minutes hahaha. it was so funny. after that, i went inside to watch the audition because they're fucking amazing. DFW. ~andrew goldstein~ came onstage and sang don't be so hard with them. cute? lmfao. uhhhh. went back outside with everyone while we waited for cobras to come on. we knew they were on their bus so when they walked in, that's when they would go on. maybe half an hour went by, and they finally came out. we ran inside, shaunna and tor went into the crowd and sam and i stayed near the sound booth. hmm. their set was really good. they opened with pete wentz is the other reason we're famous, then send my love to the dancefloor, the church of hot addiction, kiss my sass, damn y0u look good and i'm drunk (scandalous), the ballad of big poppa and diamond girl, my moves are white (white hot, that is), some of hollaback boy, nice guys finish last, smile for the papparazzi, the world has its shine (but i would drop it on a dime), the city is at war, snakes on a plane (bring it), pleasure ryland, good girls go bad, and closed with guilty pleasure. no confetti but they did sing "i came here to kick some ass tonight" and gabe jumped into the crowd. haha life. missed my cobras, they were great. after the show, chilled with gunz and talked to suarez for a bit. then mama ahhh came to pick tor and i up. great niiiight, i missed shows :)!

238.

hahahah, interesting. woke up at 11:17am. tor woke up around 12:15. showered and everythaaaang, and then laur came over and we made mac and cheese :) when we were done, amananana came to pick tor up and told us all about da taylor video shoot :D! wooooo. tor left and then we watched tv for a little, and then decided to walk to sunshine acres park. hahahaha, that was interesting. today's picture is from while we were there. my best friend is dumb :). anyways. walked back, laur got her stuff from my house and then walked homeee. walking everywhere is getting old, ugh. shortly after, went with mike and jess to pick my mom up from work. then we drove to the cheesecake factory and met up with christina, marietta and chris for mama ah's birthday dinnerrrrr. 'twas a very good night. i miss marietta a lot. after dinner, we left and kidnapped marietta. she's here now, chris is picking her up laterrr i guess. very fun. i don't spend enough time with this girl, at all. september 3rd this year will be 10 years since we met. loveeee my best friend. always. xo.

ps. make a big mistake today. don't know why i do what i do. but the bottom line is that no harm was meant and i am sincerly sorry. i'd never hurt you like that. love.

edit. 2am and marietta left a little while ago. i just want to say that reguardless of what was said yesterday and i how i felt, i'm happy with you. i'm happy with us. i feel better just knowing that you're there. even if nothing is happening right now, and it probably will get harder. i've realized how happy you make me. and that's the most important thing. xo.

237.

:) best friend. so today was pretty boring at first. usual. always. at some point i layed in my bed and listened to AAR until i fell asleep. nothing better to do. woke up to a call from tor. she didn't have a rideee here so i asked my mom if she could her up after work. mama ahhhh got home at 6:30 and then we went to get daturrrr. stopped at wendy's because we're that fat. ps i hate not being able to drive. fuckin a. but anyway. we went to cvs for a little, too. fun times. went back to my house and basically had the basic completely insane and funny night ever. i love that twitter saves all those moments HAHAHAHA. so we can remember them. anyway, switched our facebook names? idek why, but people were getting so confused and it was so fucking funny. our names still aren't switched back actually. went to 7-11 to get ice cream around 11:50 and on the way back the clock turned to 12. mama ah's birfday :) we sang to her in the car, of course. loveeee. eventful night, clearly. 5:45am and getting light out..... hahahah we need sleep. bye <3.

236.

hahahaha today was interesting. woke up kinda late because i stayed up until 4am. well. did the usual, showered and got ready and whatnot. laura walked ovahhhh at some point and i met her half way. we were on the phone and i saw the biggest caterpillar of my life. we came back and it was still there. we got a piece of tree and picked it up and brought it back to my house... why? i don't know. lmfao. showed my brodderrrr. and we named him jayjay :) we left him outside for a little and ate and watched jumanji, best movie ever. when we went back outside, he was gone :( jerk. lmfao i hate us. after that, we walked to tropical smoothie, wooooo. always great, duh. love my best friend. ps, tor i miss you! anywayzzzz, we walked back and then laura walked striaght home while mike and jess picked me up to go the mall. bought stuff for mommeh's birfday on wednesday, hellz yeahhh. got home around 9pm, and now i'm b0redddd dude. this summer is ending way too soon :(.

edit. i don't know why i forgot to write about this because it's been on my mind all day. i don't appreciate being ignored. and even if you're just busy, i at least deserve some sort of response. that was something i've been meaning to say for a while. so now, i just feel like the situation was worsened. don't know why. i hate mixed signals. and it's kind of bothering me. i'd love for you to just talk to me and change my mind. but at this point i have no idea what to do. it's your move.

edit 2. i hate feeling so alone. i have so much in my life so why is there still something missing? i just need something, and i can't figure out what. that's the worst part. i really don't even know what's wrong with me. crying right now, why? i honestly have no one to talk to, that's why i'm here. well, i do have someone to talk to. but i feel so bothersome. what the fuck is wrong with me. i always feel like that. um. holy shit, i don't even know what to say anymore. bye. ugh.

235.

out of ideas. i want my camera back so bad. today kinda sucked. family over. saw district 9. bullshit. not even worth writing about. idk. i don't even feel like venting anymore. a lot on my mind but nothing wants to come out. eh.

edit. no one ever comments my blog anymore. does anyone even read this shit?

edit 2. i can tell you right now that this will probably be long. well, reading other people's blogs makes me think. it's kinda creepy but i like reading about other people's lives. i mean, i discover things we have in common that i never even knew. things about myself that i never even realized. it's kinda cool sometimes. so, friends and love are the topics tonight. i'll start with friends. a lot of groups of friends fight a lot. there's always some sort of drama and people that are mad at other people and attitudes and whatnot. what else can i say? it's complete bullshit. i'm not being mean but that's just how i see it. friends are there to be loved. to be enjoyed. not to cause you pain. i don't know why i'm tearing up right now. i'm pretty emotional and i don't know why. but anyway. friends are a blessing, honestly. you need to value the people that are willing to be a positive part of your life. i am the luckiest girl in the world when it comes to friends. i have the 2 best friends i could ever, ever ask for. i'm so lucky to say that we've never had a fight, between any of us, ever. i mean, we've had those off days. everyone has. but when i look back at those days, i just laugh because i know they're so meaningless. it's a joke to ever think i could live without them, and i mean that. i did have 3 best friends. and when the school year ended, and summer began, i faced something horrible. it was so hard to let her go. it really was. i cried so many tears. but someone told me something that stuck with me. people come and go, and that's life. if she was still meant to be with me, she would be. but she's not. i'm not bitter about this anymore. we went our seperate ways, we all did, and i guess if that's what happened, that's what's best. at the time, i didn't understand. but it's whatever now. i hope she's happier, i really do. because i can tell you that i didn't need drama in my life, and neither did she. anyway. i'm just saying that friends really need to be appreciated. i'm so lucky to have tor and laura. i pushed myself to not be a jealous person anymore, but i know that they are the ones who helped me actually do it. to actually change. whether they know it or not. i know a lot of people hated freshman year, because it drove so many people apart. and yeah, it sucks. but if i had the chance to do it all over, i know it'd turn out the same. some things were just meant to be. um, what am i even rambling about right now? it's 2am and i have no one else to talk to... so i guess that's why i came here. anyway. next topic i guess. love. i feel stupid saying love, so i'll just say boys. even stupider. whatever. no deleting, right? so. a lot of people feel like they absolutely must have a special person in their life to be happy. everyone wants someone they can talk to whenever they want, about whatever they want, and know that they will never judge them. someone to hold hands with or just be with when you're lonely. someone to say cute things to you and actually make you believe love is real. let me be completely honest with everyone, and myself. i want that, too. i want it more than a lot of things. but i don't feel incomplete without it. i have a wonderful life, i really do. in 8th grade i made my life seem like shit. and for what? so i could feel sorry for myself? really? but yeah.. this whole love thing. i have someone i care about a lot. don't think he would ever, ever read this so i guess this is just for me. i really do like you, a lot. i think about you every day. and when we're not talking, i wish we were. i try not to be annoying, but either way, i feel pathetic. i don't know why. i've always been like this. i don't want this to be difficult. i don't want to pour my heart out to you and just scare you away. but part of me is dying to. i almost did once, remember? you probably don't because you were high. i want to delete that because i don't want to make you seem like a bad person. but that's the truth. sometimes i wish you'd just ask me. how i feel. i think we'd both feel better. but i don't want to rush anything. i want this to be perfect. maybe "this" isn't even anything. i just really hope you're not fucking with me. i don't really know what else to say at this point. i'm always wishing to be with you. i think everyone will be caught off guard if they read this because i've never said this to anyone. well. the little cute things you say. they always make me smile. it's those little simple moments of happiness that i wish i could feel forever. if "this" is anything, i know it will be hard. but you make me happy. and that's how i know it's worth it. i think i wanted to say more... hmm. well. i guess i'll say that school officially starts in 16 days, and i don't think i've ever dreaded anything more. school isn't even worth it. i don't even care that i "see all my friends." all the friends worth seeing, i see now.. with the exception of a few. but yeah. that's just gunna suck... a lot. i think this is long enough. i don't know why i cried. i'm glad it came out. goodnight.

234.

boring, boring day. went out to eat with family and left around 10. went to jenn's party with mike, jess and eddie. got home at 2am. fun fun times. not much to write about anymore.

233.

hahahahaha. so, this picture needs some explaining. no, law is not a princess. let's start from the beginning. woke up and did the usual.... pretty much all of my summer mornings are boring. anyway. started getting ready for chris jung's party while on the phone with law for over an hour. mwahaha. she had talked to caylin and she actually had a really good idea on what to dress up as for cjung's party. cay said she was gunna be spongebob, and knowing law and i with our spongebob obsession, loved it. law came over and brought me a blue shirt and a brown shirt and i wore a headband to be squidward. she wore a pink shirt and a green shirt and a homemade cone on her head to be patrick. hahahahahah we are so awesome. caylin walked over and i found her a red tie, high socks and sneakers. hahaha she was spongebob. we made nametags and then cay made her card. mom drove us to costco to pick up pictures for cjung and then dropped us off. her party was mucho fun, i enjoyed myself :D hahaha many reasons. left around 11:45 and drove leah home and then stopped at tacobell, naturally. it was a fun night. xo.

232.

happy birthday to me! yayayay. today has been amazing so far. tor and law are here now and soon, we're going to get our nails done and go out to dinner at the cheesecake factory. we're all dressed up, too :) so qtttttt. love life. probably edit later. bye!

edit. so, it's almost 11pm and law and tor left a little while ago. today was an awesome birthday. we didn't get our nails done but we went to cheesecake factory which is always delicious. mmm. yummy. dessert was delish, too. and the singing. HAHAHA. life. after we got back to my house, we literally sat on my bed for almost 2 hours just being retarded. making stupid videos and laughing at ourselves. we're wonderful best friends and i couldn't ask for anyone better. this birthday was definitely a lot better than most of them. i don't really have much else to say besides i'm lucky to have the people in my life that i do. and i love them all so much :)!

edit 2. i really love my life right now. i've realized that dumb, worthless people no longer affect me or my life. and i am surrounded by people that i love and care about. i really am so lucky. i wish summer lasted forever.

231.

so, i'll pretty much go over this entire amazing day now. hmmm. so, i woke up around 10:30am. still kinda upset about last night but i guess i got over it a bit. basically watched tv and went on the computer until 2pm. then i showered and started to get ready. so fucking excited. the scene aesthetic, holy shit. i cannot. anyway. my mom got home at exactly 4 and we left. stopped at the bank and then drove to nyc. greatest city in the world. took about an hour and got there at 5. as soon as my mom dropped me off, i saw law, tor and sam walking out of chipotle! woooo. love them so much. anyway, we went into duane reade and back to chipotle, basically just killing time. it was 5 minutes to 6pm when we got online. jess and katie were right next to us. waited for a little while, and then they opened doors. wooooo! ran in and got into the crowd with law, while sam and tor sat in the movie theater seats. i love blender theater btw. law and i were second row, but we wanted barricade. i left for a second and bought a tsa shirt and bracelet. tor and law also bought the bracelet, ilfpogggg :)! mwahaha. anyway. show started, and tyler williams came on. he was so qt! one thing, though. there was this OBNOXIOUS kid behind us, who talked really loud and complained about everyone on stage. like, if you don't like the band.... why are you in the front. like LOL does that make any sense? well, everyone was getting pissed off because of him and he was told to shut up more than once. he was just a douche about it. whatever, tried to enjoy it anyway. after tyler was stephen jerzak. pretty good. tsa did pick good bands to tour with :) oh, ALSO. right after stephen, the really nice girls in front of us on barricade said that they were there for stephen and knew we were there for tsa. they left there barricade spot and let law and i in. holy shit, it was absolutely perfect. barricade, right at the center of the stage. we pretty much fucking died. it definitely was a lot less hot, which is always a good thing. after that, the ready set came on. LOL, is all i have to say. omg. hahahaha law. "OMG JORDANNNNNNNNNNN!" oh, basically nik's twin. hahahah. anyway. after the ready set was the color fred. i really love that man. i bet half the people didn't know he was from taking back sunday until he said it but whatever. his set was really, really good. he is so talented. right after he walked off, i started to die. the scene aesthetic, next. omg, ded. well, andrew and eric came out and set up, and i was getting so anxious and excited. the lights went dark and i thought i was gunna die. so great. they opened with come what may, holy shittt. great. they played that, heavy lies the crown, humans, the alamo is no place for dancing, the man i am, love story cover, if you're a bird, love through postcards, walk this town, and closed with beauty in the breakdown. first of all..... love through postcards. holy shit. i had no idea they were gunna play that. one of my favorite songs and i almost dieddddddd. also. i love my best friends more than anything. because. right before tsa played the man i am, my favorite song... sam, law and tor were yelling at andrew to look at his hand. he did and then he said; "it's our friend kiddy's birthday today, and this song is dedicated to her." um. i. love. my. life. they were with him at the prehang in central park and asked him to do that. ummm, could i ask for better people in my life? fucking love. i was bawling. idk, favorite song and everything just combined was fucking amazing. more than i could ever ask for. it was the first time officially seeing the scene aesthetic, and holy shit. even better than i imagined it would be. anyway, after the show ended, talked to andrew a bit and he was like, "YOU'RE KIDDY!" hahaha. so qt. security started kicking us out so we walked out of blender and around the corner to tsa's van. after a little while, andy and andrew came out and started talking to people. so awesome. andrew was basically amazing. he was giving us rainbow twizzlers and being retarded. we took pictures and whatnot, he signed my printed picture from last september and wrote happy b-day! didn't even ask him toooo haha. then, he was like "is the man i am your favorite song?" and i was like "yessss!" and he's like "aww, that's cute." haha. then i started talking to him about when we saw danger radio in april, and him and eric played acoustic in the trailer after the show. he remembered that law and i requested the man i am and that we knew the words. it's an awesome feeling to be remembered. i love hanging out with him, it's always so funny. took a million group pictures hahaha. so cute. at some point, someone gave him this gun thing and a potato to make bullets out of? idek but he was shooting everyone. so funny. during a group picture, sam stole it and shot him in the face HAHAHA awww. eric came over eventually and he signed the picture of us from bamboozle. he said it was an awesome idea :) anyway, it was getting pretty late and it was down to just me, law, tor, sam, andrew, andy, taylor, stella, and a couple other people with the bands. but really, the only ~fans~ there were us. love that stuff. we said bye to everyone and gave hugs. i love every second in the company of these people. got in the car, dropped sam off at penn, and then drove around to look for food. at some point, it turned to midnight, and my birthday had officially started. happy birthday was sung in the car, duh. we ended up getting mcdonalds, haaaaa. got home around 1am. my brother surprised me with a cake, which was delish. felt important and loved, always good feelings. couldn't ask for a better way to start my birthday. love tonight. xo.

I love your smile and your laugh, and that grin you sometimes do. You amaze me every day with something new. If I made a list of things I love about you, girl, it would spread from Madagascar to Peru. Love Through Postcards, TSA.

We keep adding to this list of things we'll someday do. Have a home, a dog, maybe a kid or two. There's no one else that I could dream of having that life with, I've waited all my life, I'm glad that I found you. Some people just don't understand how much you truly mean to me, I don't mind, that's quite irrelevant you see. What matters most is that we're here against all of the odds, it's living proof that all these things were meant to be. Love Through Postcards, TSA.

230.

hey there. today was mucho fun. woke up, cleaned, ate, cleaned, showered, got ready. then david picked me up and we went to the mall. fun car rides, always. and whatnot. love himmm. after we left the mall, we went to gina's to chill with her and andrew. always a good time with us 4. left around 7:30pm. now i'm home getting stuff ready and getting packed. sleeping at tor's tonight with laura because the scene aesthetic is tomorrow. hooooshit, i cannot wait. this is going to be amazing. first time in the city with just ze bestfriends. and seeing amazing fucking people. so excited. leaving soon. details later. ps, birthday in 2 days! woo :)!

edit. disregard that whole "sleeping at tor's" thing. everyone is a fucking asshole. i don't even care to get into it. worst night i've had in a long, long time. my entire face burns and my head is pounding from crying so much. i love that it doesn't matter what i'm crying about, the fact that i'm crying makes me selfish. sorry? nothing is working out. honestly. i'm still seeing ze boys tomorrow... not as much as i'd like to, but i hope tor and law have fun at the hangout. clearly i am in no way deserving to go. zero freedom, because of paranoid, controlling fucks. oh, i mean parents. so much for firsts. and so much for an awesome birthday present.

229.

a whole day of nonsense led up to a very, very interesting night. went to tanger with laura, cay and marietta. this is the fountain at the center! hahahahaaaa that's all i have to say. love <3

228.

backround of my computer. today, i was missing him so much. this is stephen bryce avary, if you didn't know. well, i'm pretty much dying to know the release date of his new cd, of angels and men. he's been working on it since last november! but i don't blame him for taking so long. i mean, i would take a long time, too, if i was the only one in the band. he plays guitar, bass, drums, piano, organ and sings. so amazing. so talented. i miss this man! the last time i saw him was october 4th, 2008. way too long ago. he's touring this fall with forever the sickest kids, sing it loud, and 2 other bands i don't know yet. um, excited much?! i'm dying for those dates, too. going to at least 3. of course. well, i could go on forever about him. but i'll stop. my day wasn't too exciting? sat around for a while and then decided to shower and stuff. finally went to best buy to see what i could do about my camera. guessssss what. i had to send bpitt in to be repaired :( he's expected home on august 28th. so far away! i guess i'll have to stick to cell phone pictures for a while :( kinda sad about all that. did other stuff today, too. couldn't go to the library to get my summer reading books because it was closed. damn. i really need to start that shit, haha. i'm such a procrastinator. oh, and i also found out today that i was put into pre-ib global again, even though i requested regular? wtf is going on. i swear to god, if i am swamped this year like i was last year, someone will loose a life. ugh. anyway. after errands, mother and i got ~dinner~ at wendy's. we talked a lot. about the divorce and everything. she kept asking if i was definitely okay with it. i mean, i guess i am? it's gunna suck, but what can i do? tell her not to divorce him? i don't want her to be unhappy anymore. really. i love my dad deep down, and so does she, but no one can take his bullshit anymore. him simply walking by me and saying something pisses me off. idk. and i was thinking today, about my sweet sixteen. we talked about that too. my mom said it was disgusting that he's not coming. and i agree, but what else can i expect? my dad is an asshole, plain and simple. i wish i could have a normal christmas like everyone else. normal birthdays. i wish i didn't have to leave my house to celebrate everything. i wish i didn't have to explain to my family and friends why my dad is never there. it just sucks. my sweet sixteen is in exactly 369 days. and i already know what it's gunna be like when i'm getting ready for it that morning. my dad avoiding me. all of us. he probably won't even be home. whatever. day to day is normal. but i know what it's like behind every show he puts on. he thinks my mom doesn't tell me anything. ha. i'm actually kinda glad they're getting divorced. don't have to live with him anymore. i know that's kind of selfish but idk.. i'll be happier i guess. but most importantly, my mom will be. idk about mike at this point. but that's a bridge we'll cross when we get there. i guess i just had to rant about this today. anyway. got home a little while ago. mom's pissing me off. oh well. oh, another thing. you made me so happy the other night, i hope you know that. i mean, i told you, but i don't think you know how much i meant it. after that, i stopped feeling ignored. yeah, we're not exactly consistant, but it doesn't matter. you know you mean a lot to me. but really, last night, this was playing in my head; "You're just a letdown, another one of my mistakes." not really the mistake part, but definitely letdown. idk. you sometimes do those things to me. it's kind of hard to know whether i should be upset or not, because we're not exactly anything. friends, i guess? but something more at the same time. so i don't know what to expect. well, i'm not mad. just disappointed sometimes. anyway. i hope the rest of the night goes well. haven't written this much in a while. haven't exactly been pouring out my heart. this felt good. xo.

edit. awwww, you're adorable.

227.

woke up usual time, showered and got ready. around 4, laura and her sister came to pick me up and then we got dropped off at the end of gina's court. chilled with gina, erica, johnny, etc. then tor came. yayayay, best! today's picture is of the qt lights that were around the whole place. still shitty quality because i haven't fixed my camera. ugh :(. stayed at the block party until 11:30pm. wooooshit. it was so much fun, i love my friends and my life. when i got home, mike, jess, nick, mike k, alanna, chrisjung and lindey were there! hahaha hot sauce competitions, always. good way to end the night. love. bye :)

226.

another amazing day. woke up at tor's wif lawwww, aw cute. we took showers and whatnot, got ready. around 12, val picked us up and we went to baja for lunch! mmm, it was good. love them of course. after baja, we went back to tor's a chilled for a little. watched tv and music videos. law left at 3 :( after that, tor, val and i drove to the mall to shop, mwahaha. stayed there for a while. amanda met up with us after she got off work, yayayay! took this picture in the apple store, obv. i got that necklace today, HELLO LIFE. i love it so much. i also got a v v qt wallet. dw! we got from the mall at 5:30 and my mom said she was coming to get me. she also wanted to know if tor and i wanted to go see the time traveler's wife at loew's theater. um, of course? she picked us up, we stopped at the mall to get the cobrah bracelet for tor, and then barnes and noble to kill some time. went to the movie theater and it was kind of packed for our movie haha. anyway, it was SOOOO GOOD. so good, so cute. loved it. i suggest seeing it. i love how i can't even concentrate on writing this! well, after thatttt, blasted ftsk in the car and dropped torrrrtor off at home. got home around 10. fun timesss. then, jordan called. that was interesting hahaha. well, now i'm talking to best friends on aim. gina's block party tomorrow! excited. xo.

225.

ahhhh, today. woke up and then woke up tor and law. we decided to bother mike until he drove us to tacobell for lunch. haaaaa, fat. well, they got tacobell and i walked over to wendy's, mmm! anyway, after that, we dropped off law at home so she could get ready. went back home and i got ready to go to tor's for the night. when we were ready, amanda came to commack, picked up law and then picked up tor and i. we got halfway to smithtown before tor reminded me about my money hahaha. went all the way back and got it ): well, driving around with the 3 of them is amazing anyway. love blasting music and all that fun stuff. got to torrr's, and then all 4 of us went out to dinner at chili's! wasn't that good but whatever, we make everything fun. "BIAGIIIIII!" hahaha omg. my life. after chili's, we went back to tor's so amanda could cook dinner foh jimmmm. at like, 8, the 4 of us left to go to centerreach and go on go karts! hahahaha so much fucking fun. couldn't stop laughing. love my best. after that, we drove to port jeff and got DELISH ice cream. mmmm. yummy. we walked around port jeff for a little while and decided to drive around. we seriously went everywhere on long island, hahaha. went to bloody mary's house, oooo scurrrrry! hahah drove down the most random, dark, creepy streets ever hahaha. funniest shit ever. WOBBLING OPOSSUM? "i don't want to chill. i don't want vacation. i don't want playstation. I JUST WANT THE PAPER." we got home after midnight, mwaha. such a fun fucking night. blasting music with the windows down in the summer is probably the best feeling there is. loveeee <3.

224.

first half of today was completely boring and uneventful. as usual. i don't do anything anymore? awesome. anyway. around 5, tor got dropped off here. bestfraaaan! then i ate pizza and she ate a burrito. that's clearly important. than we made 2 boxes of macaroni and cheese hahaha. while eating that, laura came! yayay ilfpog :) anyway, we basically did nothing, as usual. we sat in my living room and watched the amityville horror, odamn. it was pretty good but it'd be nice if scary movies actually scared me lmfao. oh, and LOVE how i have to pause it really fast and change the channel thing if one of my parents walk in. that's just how much they suck~ after a little while, chris and jenn came over and us, them, mike and jess went to pathmark to buy stuff. that's where today's picture comes in, hellz yes. after pathmark, we got ice cream from baskin robins :) mmmm. delish. we went home and chilled. dey sleeping ovaaaaaa, thank god. love them more than you know! xo.

223.

i hate having shitty pictures. camera lens still isn't fixed, that's cool. literally, all i did today was go and get pizza for dinner with my mom. my life is so fucking boring. not to mention, you. i know i'm overreacting but really. you obviously know i wanted to talk to you. ignoring me is cool. i mean, you probably don't think much of it, but it makes me feel like shit. going from routine to that just sucks. i don't want to have certain expectations because i know i'll be disappointed at some point. like today. and like a million other days, in the past and in the future. i just like some reassurance once in a while. like, we were gunna hang out this week. well, that won't happen if we never plan it. or even talk. this is obviously something better than friendship. you know i like you. well, maybe not but it sure is damn obvious. and if you're just playing around then i really don't appreciate it. idk. i would just like to know, for once, that someone is serious like i am. talked about dumb shit with my dad today, made me want to die, but i realized something. i'm not following the rules. what my parents believe. i'll keep quiet about that but i will say that i deserve to be happy. to have someone to make me happy. your screen name just popped up. i sighed instead of smiling. fix that. this really won't make sense to anyone but me. i came here intending to write 2 sentences. love rants? anyway. excited for later this week. hopefully my life gets more interesting? yeah, idk. peace.

222.

today was a very eventful day. woke up at 9:30 and woke tor up around 11. we did nothing for a while, just talked and whatev. and then of course, we had a craving for tropical smoothie. i called my mom and she said she'd come home for her lunch break and we'd all eat there. in the meantime, tor and i went with mike to goodwill for a little while, saw jess. after we got home, we waited until 2:30 maybe, and then mama ahhhh came home! we blasted ftsk in the car :) dw! got the usual at tropical smoothie, mmmm. so good. we went home and then decided to tan on my trampoline hahaha. listened to 16 songs while laying out and we were so sweaty, it was grossss. when we got back inside... woohoo, no tan. hahaha we suck. ohwell. after that, tor showered and then i did, too. we started getting ready for lasertag with everyone. around 6:30, gina picked us up with sammy and jake. dropped jake off at sears and then went to panera. saw leah! :D oh man. after that, we went to gina's house to wait for everyone to get there. 5 cars and probably around 20 people hahaha. that was epic. we left and the whole "follow gina" thing was kind of a fail. lost some people and had to pull over. but whatev, it was a fun time! we drove all the way to farmingdale for the lasertag place. good thing it was closed AHAHAHA. that would happen. we all tried to decide what to do instead. we ended up going back to commack and eating at applebee's. i was starving so that was great. made new friends! and i love my best friends :) it deffinitely was a really good night, despite anything that happened. a huge storm started while we were in applebee's and the tv's went out. thunder and lightning like crazy. we were all leaving, law's sister came to get her and then mike came to get tor and i. went back to the house to get tor's stuff and then drove her home. dw my besfran! after that, mike, mike and i decided to go visit chris since he lives on the same street as tor. haven't seen him in a while, and jenn was there, too! his apartment is pretty nice, i've never seen it before. we chilled there for a little and then drove around ronkonkma and whatnot. it was good times, haven't done that in a while. felt like old times. by the time we got back to chris' house, it was mad late and i was tired. slept in mike's backseat and they went to tacobell. hahaha of course. "it's really sad how pumped we are for tbell." lmfao anyway. so tired. good night. xo.

221.

well, i really didn't do much of anything today. sat around and was lazy. parents were bitching again, oh? that's really cool. basically, this picture was to prove to jord that i was wearing his hat. i'm so lame. oh and, cell phone pictures lately because my lense for my camera is fucked up. need to fix that asap. hopefully tomorrow or tuesday. idk, my parents refused to take me this weekend, lul. anyway. around 9:30pm, mike, my mom and i were sitting in the living room watching tv when my mom said she wanted chocolate. lmfao. volunteered us to go and get some. of course. well, we were stalling of course, and then it came up that we should pick up tor and she should sleep over? hahaha i don't even know how that happened. begged mike to pick her up and he said he would :) so at 10pm we left and got her, and then went to 7-11. adventures, always. "they probably think we're high as shit......" lmfao. so we got back here and ate chocolate and laughed a lot. how wonderful. love my best friend <3.

220.

today kinda sucked. i showered and got ready because i thought i had plans. but my parents are assholes. um, oh well. david came to visit me and gave me that necklace. i fucking love it :)! love him. well, i'll edit later if anything exciting happens. ha. doubt it. peace.

edit. eh. i guess today was okay. fought with my mom but whatever. went out to dinner with ze parents, titi anita, uncle kevin, mike and jess around 7. the place was really good, and no one really pissed me off that much. lately, i'm so exhausted. like right now, all i want to do is sleep. i think i'll do that soon. fuckkkkk yeah.

edit 2. forgot to mention, streched my ears to 2g today! obviously an important thing to note ;D.

219.

my cat, mother, died last night. yeah, tears suck. almost 10 years of my life with this cat. this house feels empty. ilfpog with me today, it'll make me feel better. i can't stand seeing my mom cry, though. i'll miss you a lot, rest in peace. xo.

218.

:) best friends. today was so great. xo.

217.

awwwshet. the last day. i got 45 minutes of sleep. woke up at 1:30am and showered. downstairs by 2:30am and then loaded the bus. off to the airport! our flight was at 6am. fun times. we got there and chilled until we boarded. our first flight was from england to frankfurt, germany. yeah, layovers suck. it was maybe an hour long. that flight was delayed so we literally had to run to our flight from germany to jfk. it sucked haha. boarded and i was next to stefane and greg and alexa were in front of me! funfun. 7 hour flight, that was fun. i was so bored i literally scratched all my nail polish off my nails. wrote in my journal a lot. didn't sleep because it was uncomfortable. i love how for all 4 flights, i was an aisle seat. odamn. when we finally had half an hour left, the captain made an annoucement that the air traffic was too busy and we had to fly in a circle to give it time. LOL that was fun. "LOOK AT THAT BIG. DUMB. CIRCLE." it didn't really take long though. we landed in jfk at 1:30pm, a little late. baggage claim seemed like forever. amigos had their luggage and i got mine just in time to leave with them. we walked out to where our parents were meeting us, and it was basically chaos. so many hugs. saying bye to them all was so sad. and too fast. i felt like crying. but too much was going on. i gave everyone hugs and it was so sad. but we promised to all hang out. hopefully that will happen. i got in the car with my mom, dad and mike and turned my phone on. 52 new texts. oh. talked to them a little about my trip and whatnot. i got home and laura was there within an hour hahahaha. biggest hug ever. jess got here, too! yayayay. i took a shower and got ready. then, all 6 of all went out to dinner at tomo. i had been awake for over 24 hours, pretty cool. i was ready to pass out. dinner was madddd good. walking back to the car, law and i saw today's picture on a building. dw that. the car ride home, i was texting tor and she called and asked if she could sleep over. of course, besfran. so we dropped laur off because she had school and then went home. amanda drove tor here, biggg hug! yayayay. "CHRISTMAS WIF KIDDDDY!" hahaha life. yeah, i missed my best friends. alottttt. so i was pretty much dead, and we both passed out. pretty sweeeet day <3.

216.

woke up at 4:30am today in order to shower on the boat. hell yeah. breakfast was at 6am. docked at 7am. we were all pretty much dead, going through all the passport shit and whatever. funnn. we got to our new bus, though, and it was really nice. 2 hour drive from portsmouth to london. i think everyone fell asleep except for me hahaha. we did SO much today, being that we only had one day in england. first, our guide guided us around london by bus and showed us everything. so cool. they drive on ze right side of the car and left side of the road. scary if you're not used to it hahaha. we walked to buckingham palace and it was beautiful from the outside. we were supposed to watch the changing of the guard ceremony but they only do it every other day :( well, we went to the tower of london which was awesome. our guide told us all the stories about torture chambers and sheeeet and i remembered learning a lot of the stuff in global, how exciting. i actually love global. so that was really cool. we were in there for maybe 3 hours, and had a lot of free time. we also went to st. peter's cathedral which was mad nice. got lots of gifts for people. after all of that, we drove to this school thingy where a member of british parliment talked to us about the government in england. it was actually really interesting. a lot of people fell asleep but i didn't hahaha. that was for about an hour. after that, we went to the london eye. biggeset ferris wheel in the world. holy shittttttttt. greatest fucking thing ever. i basically died. we split into 2 groups, and thank god greg, jon and nick were with me. one car fits 25 people and it took half an hour to go around the whole thing. best views ever. you can see the whole city. andddd we went on at sunset, so it was even better. today's picture, i think jon took? maybe greg. but i love how big ben is in the backround out of focus. that was definitely the best part of the day. we got to the hotel a little while later. our last one! i was so sad. we had a couple minutes to get our stuff upstairs and then we all met downstairs in the lobby for journal writing. it pretty much turned into everyone giving each other their names / numbers and whatnot. it was bittersweet. we also gave johannes his gift and card and it was so qt. such a bittersweet night. our last night together. curfew was 11 but amigos and i were in the hallways until maybe 11:30. "i always wanted to be a raptor!" hahaha and i spit my soda everywhere. such a funny way to end the last night. anyway, wake up call was 2am, so i really didn't plan on sleeping. just called my mom and repacked my suitcase. i'll miss this.

215.

today was pretty life changing. honestly. first, we went to a memorial museum which is in rememberance of d-day on june 6th, 1944. it was so moving. really enjoyed that. we had a good 2 hours in there. after that, we went to omaha beach, where d-day took place. the mayor welcomed us and then held a flag raising ceremony. damn, that was so cool. 8 flags. for all 8 nations that were apart of the attack on normandy. it really was the best part of the day. first part of today's picture is one of the monuments on the beach. remembering the people who fought and died that day. oh man. that whole ceremony was so nice. we also met and talked to a survivior of world world 2. she only spoke french, so there was a translator. that was so awesome. after that, we went to the memorial museum at omaha beach. it had cars, weapons, uniforms, that kinda stuff. pretty cool, actually. we chilled in there a watched a movie for a while. fun times. i hate nick for messing with me! oh well. after that museum, we went to the normandy american cemetary. 9,387 graves. holy shit. that's the second picture for today. the only double picture of the trip, because i really saw so many great things today. after all that, we drove to the docking place where we would board our overnight ferry to england. we had dinner in a restaurant walking distance from there. after dinner, we had about 2 hours of free time. we could walk around wherever. at first, i was with steph, sam, nicole, kaleen, kate, etc. there was a fair nearby and we started dancing around and whatnot. eventually, greg, jon, alexa, destiny and nick came over and we all went on the bumper cars. sooo much fun hahaha. haven't laughed like that in a while. i was with the usual after that. after a while, stefane and tati walked out there and told me the leaders needed my passport. i had to walk allllll the way back to the dock to get my passport out of my carry on. i walked back to the fair and ze amigos were already going back to be on time. so yeahhhh. we waited for a while at the docking place and it was actually really funny. good times with 5amigos. i couldn't get by without sharing this picture; http://i26.tinypic.com/2rr29g9.jpg oh hell yeaaaah. okay so anyway. we start boarding around 10:30pm. we took a bus to the ship real quick and then got on. no free time, damn. well, we couldn't bring our big luggage to our rooms, so we had to sit in the lobby of the boat and take all the stuff we needed for the night and tomorrow and put it in our carry on.... fun. it sucked. then we went to our rooms. 4 people to a barely exsistant room. seriously, it was a box. no windows or anything. folding bunk beds? what? yeah, it sucked. oh and. wake up call = 5:30am! oh fun! another thing, 3 of us wanted to shower..... this should be fun.

214.

how epic. the eiffel fucking tower, omg :) okay so, around 9:30am we got there. walked around for a little to take pictures with everyone! that was fun. jumping pictures are kind of a fail but there just so much fun. so qt. i love thissss. we took so many damn pictures hahaha. at 10:15 we met up with everyone and got on the first elevator. everyone was taking pictures already but it would get even better. the line to the second elevator was so long. it took like 20 minutes. but we got on it and got to the top level, and then went up the stairs to the highest point you could go. holy shit. most amazing thing ever. the view was gorgeous. you could see all of paris, and probably other towns, too. i couldn't even believe i was standing on top of the eiffel tower. holy shit. took so many pictures, naturally! i kinda lost everyone up there but ohwell. i found them and then we went back down one elevator. the line to get DOWN was really long, too. and we were already really late to meet up with everyone. we decided to take the stairs..... not a good idea hahaha. SO many stairs to go down. we pretty much all split up, except for nick, alexa and i. atleast i can say i walked down the eiffel tower haha. oh, did i mention how FREEZING it was? hahah nice touch. oh well, it was SO much fun. amazing pictures. i love them. anyway. after that. we drove to this church on a hill and ate lunch in this nice restaurant. food was okay, but i was still starving. we got a lot of free time after that, and it was so great. with the usual group, of course. hahaha i love jon for hugging that random egyptian thing. and the view, holy shit. also, jon, greg and bryan rolled down a hill a bunch of times... hahaha wasn't that entertaining. love themmm. they're all so much fun to be around, goddamn. anyway. we went to the shops for a couple minutes and i bought sunglasses! fuck yeahhh. then we all met up and got on the bus, after being raped by those bracelet people LOL. anyway. we drove maybe 3 hours to caen, france. i had to pee in a hole on the way. i know you wanted to know. yeah, what an experience. hahaha rachelle, "MUM, IT WAS A HOLE!" anyway. we got to caen and went to our hotel and then dinner. after dinner, free time at the hotel as usual, always a good time. lovesss. one of my favorite days! home in 3 days. bittersweet.

213.

do. fucking. want. today. the first thing we did was go to the arc de triumph. that was pretty cool. today's picture is l-r; kate, kaleen, nicole, steph, tati, rachelle, me, sam and cristiana in front of the arc. pros to nick~ mwahaha. way to take 28375 pictures. anyway. we had free time. i was with alexa, destiny, jon, greg and nick. um, naturally. haaaaa. we went to an "i love paris" store and got stuffffz. fun. paris is so beautiful. after about an hour, we were on our way to the musee du louvre. um, most famous museum in the world? what? omg so excited. we had a little free time in the museum and then we split up into 2 groups to go on tours. mona lisa? what? saw sooo much famous stuff. unreal, holy shit. i really can't. a lot of people found it boring but it was so fucking unbelievable to me. loveeeee. anyway. after that, we had free time to go get lunch on our own. i went with nick, ryan, alex and bryan to get pizza and shetttt. that was a fun time. nick likes to make fun of me >:[ bitchass. haha all in love. deffinitely the best museum of the trip. dw. after all of that, we went back to the hotel and had a little time to get ready. we went to dinner and it was pretty good. we got back to the hotel and destiny brought her ps2 to alexa's room and we played grand theft auto HAHA. it was epic. "um, she just went on a college-student-stabbing rampage. AND SHE LOOKS SO INNOCENT!" haaaa good times. i love paris so much, and i was so excited to see the eiffel tower. wooo!