59.

it's hard to believe that was ME in kindergarten.. ahahaha. i like my hair today. and i feel good. so maybe today will be good. actually, it will definitely be good. laura's picking me up soon and then we're going to tracy's :) yayayay best frans. minus TOR who i haven't seen in a week and who is going to the city today! lmao life. ok ok i might bb later to tell you about my day. okay bye :).

58.

i'm not that stressed but i've got bigger problems. i don't even care to talk about it here. i have nothing to do on a friday, and i'm sitting in my house. whatever. maybe i'll write later.

edit. i have starving your friends on repeat right now. i don't know why but it fits my mood at the moment. "Cause I fall three times as hard if its for nothing at all, you all seem twice as tall as I will ever be, and I feel terribly small when my head works too hard. When you think with your chest, there's not a thing that you don't see. I'm hardly capable of half the damage that I would like to do. I could swear that I don't care but you know I'm too full of shit to think this through. So look at me, I pray to god but curse too much to be considered true. I'm just like me, I'm just like to me, so who the hell are you?" idk. i feel like i have a lot to say right now but i don't know what to say. i feel numb. i think maybe i'll try to get some stuff out. but it's late and i might not make any sense at all. but that's usual. first of all. (wow, i'm already tearing up.) first of all. i don't know why you tell me i'm gunna fuck up my life and destroy it and i'm not gunna be able to control anything anymore. believe me, i know myself a lot better than you ever got the chance to. please. i know how i am and what i do. if i was doing something that put me outside of my comfort zone, i wouldn't do it. i come to you, upset, and you just yell at me because you "care so much about me." that makes a lot of sense, right? it makes sense to make me cry more. i don't get how we are. i feel like you could never value me as a person. so why should i believe that you care? the past is the past, and i know that, but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt anymore. i don't know what to say anymore so i'll stop now. i'm not gunna say second now, because this could lead to a lot of things. i don't know why i didn't do anything tonight. i guess i need nights like this once in a while but i usually end up thinking too much and getting sad about something or other. it's the kind of quiet disposition that only you yourself can understand. i don't know what to say anymore. i'm sitting here thinking about god knows what. idk. i just feel so alone sometimes. the thing that happens is like, i feel like someone doesn't like me, so when i talk to them, it's weird. and then gradually, we just stop talking. and then i won't talk to them anymore because i feel like they don't want to, and they probably feel the same way. it's a vicious cycle. yes, i'm thinking about one person in particular, but that's nothing new. it's always that one person. i just don't understand what's happening. i need the help you gave me. you have this new exciting life with all these new people and have forgotten about me. well guess what. i loved you. so much it hurt. i probably still do. i probably always will. i don't know why you didn't see that. or just never cared. god, i fucking miss you. there's no other way i can say it. i miss you in my life and i wish you could see that. things are supposed to be "better" but we show no signs of it. i'm tired of this. you said you'd never hurt me. but i guess a lot of people lie about that. i don't know why i keep talking. it's gunna get me in trouble one day. maybe i should write in my actual journal more, and not post it here. idk. why do tears always come so easy to me. i cry over every little thing. it makes me feel dumb. and why the fuck am i so random. ugh. this is deffinitely more than too long. i know i'm gunna have more to say, so i guess i'll put that in my actual journal. idk. peace.

57.

hello. so this is one of my like, 4 signed belts. maybe my favorite. i wore it today because i needed it. to be constantly reminded of these people. it made me smile. first and foremost, in the bottom right corner of this picture, is bryce avary's signature. with no exaggeration, my favorite person in the world. may 3rd, 2008 is when this went down. bamboozle. it was pretty amazing. b, thank you for being everything i need you to be. thank you for saying and doing what meant the most to me. miss you. love you. this belt is also signed by: rian dawson of all time low, john o'callaghan of the maine, alex marshall of the cab, all of envy on the coast, and all of forever the sickest kids. sigh. it makes me think back to those nights that i will remember forever and i thank the people involved that they were. and for making them some of the greatest nights of my life. haven't been to a show in almost a month. won't be at one until april 28th. god, i miss it already. anyway. today was better, i guess. who knows how it will turn out. i'm sitting here right now, aren't i? it's only 4:45. but, i'm thinkin it will be better. i've done my spanish and bio homework already. all i have to do is study for math, review for english, and work on my projects. i had a really good idea for my english project today in school and i feel a lot better about it. cue in sigh of relief. i had something else to say but i can't remember it for the life of me. you'll hear from me later. hopefully.

edit. today was good. surprise. i felt pretty much no stress. it's only 10:30 and i'm almost ready to go to bed. the only thing that's bothering me is you. yes, i care about you, no, i will never forget these feelings. but please, get out of my life. i've realized that i can't talk to you harmlessly. it's just who you and i turn into. "call me foolish, i feel helpless." it doesn't take a lot to know you're an asshole. and to me, it's no exception. i'm tired of it. it used to be cute, now it's just annoying. i don't need another issue to deal with. i will you out of my life but deep down i know it will probably never happen. you'll always be there. whether i like it or not. i was just about to delete all this, but whatever. i don't care if i don't make sense. fuck it. this might sound like i'm in a bad mood but i'm really not. i'm just ranting. today was a good day. tomorrow is friday. outlook positive. goodnight.

56.

first of all, i'm sorry i can't give you a better message. i don't know what to say. it seems like i've gained composure while i'm in school but seriously, the moment i get home, the anxiety hits. i'm just so frustrated with everything. every time i try to concentrate i get distracted. that never happened before. i don't know why it is now. ugh. i'm just too angry and mixed up to even talk. i keep falling asleep, too. i'm sitting there trying to do my homework and i close my eyes for a second. i wake up half an hour later. i just want to kill everyone. i have absolutely no idea what to do for my english project on to kill a mockingbird. i sit there and do nothing. i don't even know. frustrated tears coming now because i'm thinking about it. is this normal? why do i cry at the first sign of stress and frustration? so, i try to do my laundry because maybe that will make me feel less anxious. it did the opposite because now i have that to worry about, too. i don't even know what to do anymore. i wish for summer more than anything else so i don't have to worry about this. tminus 4 months. ugh. the thing that keeps me smiling is thinking about europe this summer. i'm learning about the renaissance in global right now. like, michelangelo, da vinci, raphael, and all the art and stuff at that period. the ceiling of the sistine chapel. david. the mona lisa. florence, italy. i'm gunna see all that. i'm so excited. okay well, i'm gunna go eat dinner, do laundry, try to study for bio... gl gl. and try to be in bed around 11. hopefully. ps. rest in peace. i hurt for you more than i let on.

55.

hello, this is my brad pitt magazine. courtesy of jessica bernat (:D). the article and pictures are amazing. it sits on my desk and seriously never fails to make me smile. anyway. today was okay i guess, it was funny as far as school. oh, people. i have a bit of homework. i've done math, english, spanish, and bio.. now i just need to work on my projects for global and english. ugh. i still feel like i'm procrastinating. i need to stop texting and sleeping in school. how am i gunna do well this way? blah. oh, so.. i made a last fm yesterday haha. http://www.last.fm/user/catclandestine go stalk me more. why am i so lame? idek. i might be going out to dinner tonight. if i feel accomplished enough to leave this house. "if i only had the heart..." i'm so weird. i don't know why you're reading this if you are. i might just say i'll be back later to write more. so maybe i'll actually do it again. good luck with that. xo.

54.

ugh. so this is my desk on a busy day. (aka every day i have school.) this is bullshit. i have so much homework. i'm feeling stressed already. this is not good. it's only monday. the first day of 6 straight weeks of school. i can't do this. i don't know why all this pressure is put on me, and students in general. brb, crying, because i have 2-5 hours of homework every night. and no time for other shit. this is stupid. okay well, i've done almost all of it so far .. just have to read 2 chapters and answer questions. so i guess that's good. i want to have better days. i don't think i even make sense. oh well. i'm gunna go have dinner, maybe i'll write later. (i always say that, but almost never do... maybe it's time for a change.)

edit. i'm actually back because today got worse. i just fell into the dark. i hope it's not a long term thing. this is not a cry for help or anything. i just need to say what i feel i need to. it might not, scratch that, it won't make sense. but that's for no one to worry about. i just don't think i'm up for this anymore. i have a semi-charmed life. i have everything i feel i need and then i feel i have nothing at all. this might sound like i'm being selfish but i know i'm not, so it's okay. i just feel like i'm crying all the time for reasons i don't even know about. like right now. i'm trying to say that i'm not okay but i just don't know why or how to spell it out. even to myself. i want everything to be good and easy, but it seems like it never stays that way for long. if i try to give examples, they will sound trivial and meaningless but i'll try anyway. school has never been such a big problem for me. how many people know that i cry every day without fail because of stress? no, i don't want you to feel bad. that's just a fact. things just keep coming at me and i feel such fucking anxiety it's ridiculous. i'm a perfectionist. i can't help it. i don't even know how to keep up with my own life anymore. i'm not gunna sit here and tell whoever about how broken and fucked up my life is, because truth is, it's not. it's just not. but somethings missing. and i feel like it's my own fault. like if i was a different sort of person, maybe i would be happier. and that's exactly what bothers me. it's not like i'm a horrible person (anymore.) i just don't know. i am absolutely relentless at this thing called life. i try so hard to make it perfect and in the end i make it worse. i don't know what to do anymore. i don't know what anyone could tell me to make it better. because it doesn't make sense, not even to me. the problem is me. i hope i can fix this before i let it take the best of me.

53.

so, doodling is pm my favorite. i love writing out lyrics or quotes or whatever is in my head. i feel like i'm good at it. this part says "it's only after you've lost everything that you're free to do anything." it's one of my favorite quotes from the movie fight club (bradpitt bradpitt bradpitt bradpitt). no but really, even besides him, it's one of my favorite movies ever. this page also says: "think of me what you will, but before you do, don't" -alex gaskarth. "take my hand and we will run away" -the cab. "and god must be a pretty big fan of today, because you keep waking up to it" -jamie tworkowski. and "our lives are defined by oppurtunities, even the ones we miss" -benjamin button. it's pretty cute. so, i'm not really doing anything today. idk. i barely had any homework this vacation, which is something very new to me. i only had to read a chapter in a book and answer 5 questions about it, which i did yesterday. wooooooohoo. also, i don't know why but i feel like i need you again. it's weird to think about you in good ways like i used to and i don't want to get in over my head again. i'm scared. i just want you to be here. i want to talk to you. i want things to be easy. i want you to be better and to never have to struggle like this again. i want all the best for you, despite what i've said in the past. i would never wish you harm. keep that in mind. i'm not a little girl anymore. i will depend on you just has much as you depend on me. and i don't know where i'm going with this, because you'll never read it. but oh well. yeah, idek. i hate sundays, especially rainy ones. but i guess i'll make the best of this one. i might be back to write more later. peace. ps. i miss you.