334.

today is ...uninteresting. i really dislike school on mondays, especially after 4 days off. ughasfhj. really tired in school. got a 70 in chem, cool. i really don't try anymore, and it's a problem. i want to be better. ANYWAYS, HAPPY 16TH BIRTHDAY TO MY BEST FRIEND ON THE PLANET :) i love youuuuu tur. and so does jcook.....obv because he DM'd you. yayayay! i'll put a picture when i'm done wif my homework, KBYE.

edit. probably the only semi-normal picture laura and i took today when she was here. lmfao. love best friend. anyway. finished my homework, don't feel like studying for global. fuckkk. i need to do better in school.... thank you for helping me realize that. shit. gotta take 50+ pictures for photo tomorrow... well, before friday. shitttt. um. idkkk. so, tomorrow is december 1st. officially the last month of my 365.... holy crap. never thought i'd even make it this far. that's crazy. i'm so glad i did this. until tomorrow! xo.

333.

today's a boring day so far. laur left early, as usual LOL. i showered and actually did my global homework. now my dad is fucking annoying me, COOL. someone hang out with me today, i don't want to be here. and i don't want school tomorrow. ughhh. i'll edit later.

edit. umm. boring ass day. decided to edit a picture i took today? blogger probably killed the quality. eh. TSL lyrics, my favorite at the moment. i absolutely cannot fucking wait to see them next month for their reunion show in philly. i love everyone. anyway. i'm gunna go watch tv or something. eh. peace.

332.

interesting day, LOL. kso, woke up at 5am... uhm. LIFE. left around 6 for ny. only made one stop... again. actually made it home by 10am, DAHALE. so thennn, i went with my mom to pick up the cats, then came home and showered. laur came right after that! aww, missed her. we chilled, went on a walk, fun timesss. haha. talked about everything. kinda hate everyone. anyway. we were freezing and numb and my ankle was bleeding??? so we went back to my house. LOL. got ready and crap, ate pizza, made tor's cardsss. then at 6:30 mama ah drove us to bestfriend's house :D awww, happy birthday! i love you :). hung out with everyone, tor, laur, sammy, jess, emily, sarah, jen, yayyy! listened to music and whatnot, good times :) i love the people i surround myself withhh. anyway. johnny and tom picked me, laur, sammy and jess up at 10:30. drove around for a little and then went to friendly's. more people cameee and yeah! fun times. even though like 4 people ate LOL. it was midnight so i had to be home soooon. johnny (hubz!) dropped laur and i off at my house. mike, jess and chris are here! i haven't seen chris in forevevever, missed him. i'm glad everyone's home for thanksgiving and will be home for a long time when christmas comes :). sooo laur's sleeping over, yayayay! i love life. ps. you're so ridiculous sometimes. all i do is try, and forgive you a hundred times. yeah, everyone fights. believe me. it's not the end of the world. love.

331.

today wasn't eventful at all. it's so cold in pennsylvania. went black friday shopping for a little, only spent 40 bucks. waking up at 5am tomorrow to drive home... hate my life. ummm BYE.

330.

happy thanksgiving! i'll edit later :)

edit. soooo. uh. thanksgiving never is perfect for me. there's always something/someone missing. don't get me wrong, i enjoyed some things about today. but overall, there were more bad things than good. idk. had thanksgiving lunch at 2pm. it was only me, my mom, my aunt, 2 cousins, and my abuela. food was good, even though i really only ate mashed potatoes. idk. things just piss me off. i wish mike was here. it would've been better. around holidays, i never feel like i have as much fun as i should. that might seem selfish of me, but really, can't i ask for that? to be honest, all my holidays kind of suck. just once, i want to have a traditional one. where there are no problems and no one's an asshole and i can enjoy it just like every other kid does. it sucks that i have to leave my house in order to even have a holiday. whatever. i'm thankful for everything i do have. that's what this day is all about, right? i remember last thanksgiving, my blog. i don't think i complained that much. it just sucks because now, all i think about is how thanksgiving 3 years ago was the last time i saw him. i miss you tio. rip. anyway. more complaining, i guess. i didn't want to let you hurt me again, but you always do. i know you have your reasons and you apoligize in the end, but why do you have to do this all the time? do you even realize how much it hurts? especially when i call you to actually talk and you tell me nothing's wrong. don't bullshit me, you called me at 2am for a reason. i just want everything to be okay. i feel like i'm the only one trying when it comes to problems. you just want to give up, i'm the one who doesn't let you. this means a lot to me. just think about the things you say before you actually say them. well, i hope everyone's day was better than mine. thanks for the texts. i love you all. xo.

ps. today's picture is the sky at sunset. pennsylvania is so beautiful sometimes.

329.

sooo, fun times. pictures when i get home, btw. so, school. 1st, 2nd and 3rd i had tests. COOL~ so then, spanish was a joke, LOL. after spanish, went to my locker, walked to lunch and got a bagel, and then left schooool. WOO! went home, and helped my mom cook everything for tomorrow. chilled wif mike and then packed everything for PA. FINALLY left at 3, dropped cats off at the vet, etc. thennn drove to the bronx to pick up my abuela. funtimes. drove forevevevever and only made one stop, in upstate ny. that's where the picture's from. actually made it to my tia's house around 9. brought all the stuff in and now we're chilling. i forgot they have a computer! wooo. so, uh. tomorrow is thanksiving! i'm excited :) yummm food. k uhhh. it's late so i'ma go! bye :D

328.

two of my closest friends :) i love them. today was good! i enjoyed it. i love how i try not to talk about you in my blogs, LOL. idk. but anyway. tomorrow is the last day of school before break. sooo glad. need that. leaving school after 4th so i can help my momma and then drive to pennsylvania! i hate you, long island, bye <3.

327.

finally. computer is fixed. love my life. and you. (:

326.

uhhhh, today was pretty okay, i guess. except for one thing. i'm so tired of you bitching at me... i do so much, shove it. anyway... kinda boring day. sat in my room, blasted adtr, put up some new posters. got new couches? LOL. love life. nothing really exciting about my life, ever. sundays are usually all the same.

325.

i love you and i truly want to see you all the time. i don't know what's so different about you but it's so much better than it has been with anyone else. don't sweat the small things, it's fine. i wish i wasn't the way i am and i could actually say something really meaningful to you. eh. like i always say. as long as we're happy. <3.

I love you and that's what you are getting yourself into.

edit. wow, tonight was the best one in a while. the whole day was dumb, whatevahhh. ate some food and then went to the becerra household around 5:30. hung out with paloma, izzy, katrina, erin and emily! funtimessss. izzy and i went on stickam, what a joke LOL. obviously were funny people... tried leaving a million videos for people but that didn't really work out. went downstairs, watched tv, etc. ate dinner! twas gooood. by that time, my fucking sides hurt from laughing so much. i can't. thennn, decided to play quelf again. LMFAO best shit. that game is seriously the funniest. i love these nightsss, oh man. seriously the best. also, i love our conversations, dude. i can completely be myself no matter what and i love it. thank you for being you. i love tonight. xo.

324.

love today. school was alright, i enjoy how i genuinely want to see you all the time :). anyway, after school i finished my math test, woo, then went home. got ready and then 3:28 train to penn station. got food there, then walked to 27th street. went to the sample sale, kinda got 530$ worth of clothes for free..... i love life sometimes. my dad's profession comes in handy. i appreciate it a lot that he went through the trouble of bringing me and everything. anyway. went back to penn at 6:30, had pizza, then 6:53pm train home. i love trains, idk. love life! got home at 8 and then picked up laur. we took a walk and talked about everything, like we always do. ate and became obese, as usual. she's sleeping overrrrr. chris jung and nick are also here right now, so great. i miss jungie so much, it's insane. i love you gurrrrl! anyway, i'm mad tired. going to sleep soon. i love today! and i love you. xo.

323.

i love you, and i'm happy. fuck everything else. i'm trying as hard as i can. but sometimes, that's not enough.

Take a walk and we can watch the lights, I'm not cold when you're by my side.

322.

this would be my best friend driving, HAHAHA. today was fun! school is so pointless sometimes, i hate failing tests ): but whatever. 91 on my math test! so happy. i feel like i'm not trying hard enough in general in school, buttttt who cares. i'm fine right now. anyway. stayed after for math after school, with kiana and laur. did my homework, then laur and i went to my house and ate pizza. fat. thennn walked to her house, did more homework, and had fun (pointless) times, of course. went to applebee's with shithead and her father, she drove! can't wait for next year when she has her license, holyshit. twas a good timeee. ate and whatnot, drove back to her house. listened to music, and i did more homework LOL. i really hate laura rizzo :D. left her house at 9:30 and now i'm homeeee, in my lovely sweatpants. probably going to sleep early tonight because i've been tired for more than a week. oh btw, a week ago right now, i was with stephenbryce. i miss you a lot! might edit later. i love you. bye!

edit. i'm so sick of worrying about hurting people. especially my good friends. because i don't know what i'd do without them. but i know how little people actually like me, genuinely. it just really hurts me when i find out. maybe i should just keep my mouth shut from now on.

edit 2. i honestly hate everything right now. this world is full of terrible, and decieving people. but why am i even writing this here? who the fuck even cares? fuck you all.

321.

exciting. school, then went home and chilled. actually have food in my house now, this is great. went to target with miguel, we need to spend more time together again. hopefully i can help him get organized. picture is the sunset in his mirror on his car :). got amazing sweatpants at target, i love my life. fun times. thennn went home, went with my mom to the vet. interesting. sometimes i hate my cats. went home, homework, and then chilled with people. coolz! got home around 9:30. my life is so exciting and interesting, no?! uhhhh, haven't talked to you all day. why? ohwells. kbye!

320.

ohhhhello, i'm in spanish, fun. today was okay. wore a shirt for the first time and i really like it. not like anyone cares. so i read through a lot of my old blogs today. it seriously fucking makes me think. and i'm such an analytical person. sometimes too much. but whatever. i am how i am and i can't change that. idk. i guess i can just say that sometimes, i miss how things were. no matter what. i may laugh at that now, but i know that at some point, those people and things were what made me happy. and regardless of the present, i miss that. idk, am i making sense? i think this is one of the main reasons i made a 365 blog. i read day 1. and i wrote this, "yep, three hundred and sixty five pictures. i hope they will depict my life and gave me many memories to look back on eventually." and they definitely fucking have. this blog has become a huge part of my life. it's so important to me to be able to look back on days i loved and never want to forget. even those shitty days and weeks where all i wanted to do was kill everyone... at least i got my feelings out, somewhere. reading about all that makes me remember exactly how i felt. and even if it was a bad feeling, i still like knowing that i can remember it. idk. especially since i'm big on remembering dates. this was an awesome idea. i can't believe we're halfway through november already. and then it's december. i'm seriously debating another 365 for 2010. i mean, yeah i love it. but it was also... idk. kind of annoying sometimes. i'm definitely moving to tumblr on january 1st, but should i do another 365? if i don't, i know i'll definitely miss it, a lot. and there will be times where i regret it. i need opinions. i know it's really good for me to get all my feelings out, so maybe i should? idk. brings me to another point. no one ever comments this anymore, lawls. idunno. people used to! also something i noticed when i was reading old stuff. anyway. blasting john mayer right now. i took a walk earlier. not stoked that it's getting really cold, almost too cold for my walks. well. on another note, i don't know why you're so nervous. i've told you so many times not to care what people think. just listen to me, for once jerk! (: but really, i love how close we are. i really do. it's better than anything else i've had. i think you're worth everything. i feel really lame when i tell anyone how i actually feel. yeah, even you. but i do anyway. you really are a great kid, trust me. and i hate when you're negative, you know that. don't think about possibilities in the future, because that's not where you're living. you're here, in the present, right now. and if you're happy, and i'm happy, that's all that matters. love. xo.

edit. if you're going to criticize me, learn to spell ;D

319.

ahahahahaha, oh life. today was gooood. not so much the first half. actually saw oheka castle for the first time, though. fun. went to laur's around 3. left at 9. i really love my best friend. and uhhh, this is what happens when we're together, i guess. LOL. anyway. i guess today is our date. that's pretty cute. wellll, everyone is an asshole today. and i don't want to go to school tomorrow. but whatever. i really need a vacation. loveyou. peace.

318.

interesting day. it was rainy all day and i was in such a bad mood in the morning and afternoon, idk. so that kinda sucked. but then, i was on the phone with laur and loma asked us to hang outtt. so we made plans, to go to elwood and eat/see a movie at 6:30. sooo i left and picked up laur, mama ah dropped us off at elwood. got our tickets to see the fourth kind, and then we went into dunkin donuts and waited for loma, izzy and rachel. we were seriously on crack for some reason, and it was so funny. lmfao. we got our food and then ~the girls~ came and got theirs! "I LOVE BEING A GIRL!" :D lmfao. uhhhh then it was like 7:30, and the movie was at 7:45. so we left and went there, they got their tickets and then we went in. it was a really good movie, like not scary but just weird. idk, it was good! still need to see 2012, lulz. anyway. after the movie, loma, izzy and rachel left. so laur and i called people to pick us up, since we didn't want to go home. erik, henry and jill came and LOL interesting times. went to some kid's house, saw a lot of people i haven't seen in forever. probably since freshman year ended. weirddd. but yeah. got drove home at 11:30 and then walked law half way home. still dead tired from this week. but tonight was fun! oh, ps. i'm sorry for that. i know it hurt. i didn't realize when i said it. but i hope we're okay now. i'm glad everything happened like that. glad i know for sure. so, we're in this together. i know i'm not exactly girlfriend material but whatev. just as long as we're happy. xo.

317.

i love this week, i love my life. i might edit later. but i really need sleep. goodbye. xo.

edit. i don't understand how you could talk so much shit and turn around and act like everything is fine. that's not how friendship works. you're such a hypocrite.

edit 2. i'm a shitty friend anyway so nothing i say really matters.
Save me, 'cause I need it, and I can't help but feel desperate.

edit 3. first 3rd edit ever. monumental? i take back what i said the first edit, i don't delete things. i'm sorry, ily.

316.

oh, my god. i love everything. let's start from the beginning. so, i wake up and look at the clock. good thing it's 8:27am? LOL about that. so i got ready and went into school at 9:45, right before 4th period. fun times. actually really glad for that, because if not, i probably would've died. i was so dead in school, from last night. but oh well. at the end of 5th period, i get up to leave and see a lucky penny on the floor. oh, i love life. fast forward. bell rings and school ends. go to locker and then run home. start getting ready and tor comes! had to bring my homework with me in the car... cool? LOL not like i did it. so we left around 3. bullshitted my math homework, and then decided not to do anymore. don't know why i didn't bring my ipod with me? oh lifeee. anyway. took naps, woke up in nyc at sunset, it was beautiful. took a million pictures. back to sleep. it took way longer to get to starland than usual, for some reason. but we got there at around 6. doors were at 6:30! decided not to wear our hoodies, since doors were soon. but that half hour was tortureee. saw some of ftsk coming on and off their bus, dw! went in at 6:30 and went to the bathroom, duh. talked to ziggy and tara at merch for a while. wandered around, kelsey and the chaos played LOL, and then down with webster. by that time, sammy, jess, gina and christine were there. enjoyed down with webster, last show for us :( awww. kap, you are adorable. after that, tor and i walked over to the merch and found nate! talked to him for a good 10 minutes, adorable. so he used to sit in front of his locker for an hour before school started, just because he woke up to take a shower before his brother...? LOL IDK. but that was so cute. told him we were gunna go watch my favorite highway when they came on, and he said he was going to, too, so we walked with him! =] life. mfh, amazing as always. then sing it loud. probably the best performance out of all 3. i guess i was more into it, too. (: dw! so, bryce is about to go on. for the third time this week. and i'm kind of dying. before he actually goes onstage tor and i see him side stage, i probably left a mark on her arm from grabbing it so hard. i love you, boy. brycebryce, amazing as always. LOL he had an alfalfa, and it was probably the funniest thing of my life. "i gotta accentuate the alfalfa..." LMFAO love. anyway, maps was absolutely amazing, i got closer than the other 2 shows. hills and valleys, confetti, you gotta believe, i just love this. i had to cry during so, in this hour. i could not think of a better way to end his live shows than this. ahhhhh. i can't. so, he finishes and says bye. walks off and there are people waiting side stage. i saw him go over to them so i went over there. got out my silver sharpie and when he came over to me, he looked up and smiled. ded. asked him to sign my phone, which is definitely the best idea i've ever had. love my life. asked him if he'd be out later, and he said probably. he apologized because he said security was gunna yell at him if he didn't leave, but it's okayyy. i appreciate every moment he spends with fans. went to merch and talked to tara. waited for ftsk to come onnn. DED. cookie wore tor's shoes on stage again, sooo adorable. but tonight, you could actually really tell he was sick. it was so sad to watch, i felt so bad. he left out verses, let austin and caleb sing a lot, and you could just tell that his usual energy just wasn't all there. i hope you feel better bby. don't push yourself. despite that, ftsk was still amazing. as woah oh ended, tor and i ran out to meet ftsk as they came off stage. it was freeeezing. waited around for a long time, got hoodies from the car. didn't look like bryce was coming out :( stood by ftsk's trailer and caleb came over to us. acting like a cat? LOL IDK, it was so adorable. gave me and tor hugs. love you! waited for bryce for maybe 10 more minutes, but i gave up. but seriously, i'm so fine with that. it was freezing outside and it was 11:30. i totally understand. besides, i couldn't ask for a better week with him. i really couldn't. i got everything i wanted. left for the long ride home. got home around 1:30, and amanda was there waiting for tor. so ded. for so many reasons. i am in love with the life that i lead. i have so many people to thank for making this week better than i could ever imagine. i'm so grateful for everything that has been given to me. i really appreciate it. stephen bryce avary, you couldn't mean more to me. the past 2+ years have been so amazing. thank you for being an amazing human being. you possess so much talent, it's mindblowing and i can honestly say you're the greatest person i've ever known. that note i wrote you could never say enough, and you know that. i miss you already. have fun on the rest of the cheap date tour, and i'm so beyond excited for of men and angels. i love you so much, and thank you. i've said it a million times this week, i just fucking love my life. xo.

315.

november 11th = 11/11. wished at 11:11 and found a lucky penny. let's just say that i am in love with the life i lead. it's 1:30am and i have to go to school tomorrow so i'll write everything when i'm not completely delusional. <3.

edit. heyhey. memory loss because of the past few days, but i'll try to remember the details! woke up at 9am to do everything and leave by 1:30. showered, attempted homework? LOL. got stuff ready, ate, etc. fun times. tor and amanda picked me up at 1:30 to go to the donkey. got there around 2. so uh.... about NOT wearing hoodies. and being in short sleeve v-necks. yeah, we were DYING. i begged my mom to bring me a hoodie, tor didn't want one, but she brought me one! thankyouuu. so during those 4 hours of waiting, a lot of stuff went down. talked to pm all of ftsk, tor gave all of them (minus kuhlub and marc) their presents, never seen anything more qt than jcook's reaction. ahhhh dw. so bryce walking past and into the donkey... yeah, ded. i can't. basically froze forever and waited and waited and waited. finally it was 5:30, and then tor, danielle and carol left me for meet and greeeeet with ftsk! how qt :). wellll i stood with amanda, etc, and after a while they all came back. doors opened at 6 and we went in! omg. went straight to the bathroom, LOL duh. fun times. talked to rich. found gunz. bought the texas trs shirt from tara and she remembered me from outside, how adorable. i love herrrr. kelsey and the chaos, you suck. bye. haaa. next was down with webster, AHHHH. so qt. kap :). they are so much fun, that was good. then my favorite highway played an acoustic set, that was adorable. so glad i got to see them so much this week. anyways, after them was sing it loud. nateflynn, you are so adorable. i can't even get over it. DW. they were awesome, as always. they went off and i was dying. favorite man, next. tor recorded when he came out, looped everything, moon walked, and then played break it out. best thing of my life. i honestly dare you to find me anyone with more talent. played the same set list as monday (took out save D:) but yeah. maps. holy shit. i will never get over it. wondered why no one did the so much love solo ): but it's k. also, confetti during hills and valleys. REALLY? trsconfetti. forever. huge part of the show. of course closed with so, in this hour... and i honestly die at the end, every time. while all this was going on, laur and sammy were in nyc at fall ball. so really, we have the best lives. ever. but yeah. bryce, you mean so much to me, and i honestly appreciate every show you play because your energy really shows how dedicated you are and how much you put into it. thank you. after he went off, tor was dyingggg (: dw! ftsk was so great, and played basically the same setlist. ahhhhhhh abellz, i really love you. i was dying. k so, fast forward. shows overrr! outside, by ftsk's bus. waiting for them, talked to austin and kent. jcook is so sick, didn't come out. i'm sorry bby, feel better! so, had my drawing for bryce, that i drew last year. wrote a page long note on the back. i basically needed to give it to him. so we're waiting in the freezing cold, and whatnot. and then i hear someone behind ftsk's bus. ohi bryce. he walks over to his bus with a couple people. i walk over, um dying. "bryce, i have a present for you!" dude, smiling like an idiot. i gave it to him and he was like "woah this is awesome! thank you so much!" and gave me a hug. oh. favorite person. so i told him about the note on the back. and then he signed my shirt again. had to ask me for the date.... again. LOL. that's today's picture, what danielle took as that was happening... hahaha. he went on the bus to get a jacket on, it was seriously freezing. came back out and we took pictures, hugged, talked. i was so happy. being able to say to bryce, "i'll see you tomorrow!" is probably the best thing... ever. "tomorrow's gunna be the best day!" "yeah, you gotta promise to talk to me again!" "i promise." ahhhhhh. my life. i am so in love with this. walked back to the car with tor and left. nothing could ever compare to how happy i am right after talking to sba. asjghsfask. got home around midnight. ate, and actually stayed up for another hour. who knows. i love today, and i get to do it all over again tomorrow. <3.

314.

not really much to say about today. it was good! school went pretty fast, except for 8th and 9th. i can't even. came home, relaxed. no school tomorrow. instead, seeing my favorite fucking person in the world again. excited. i love you. xo, forever.

313.

wow. where do i even begin? from the moment i woke up today, there was a smile on my face. i got up a little late for school, maybe because i went to sleep at 1am last night? whatev! walked to school blasting so, in this hour... etc. so pumped. basically flailing. i couldn't even tell you about my day of school because i don't think i concentrated for 2 seconds. after i went home, i didn't pause bryce for a second. blasting throughout my whole house. did my homework, then changed, got ready, hair, makeup, got my stuff together, etc. laura came at 4:45, and my mom came around 5:15. we left finally. to see my favorite band, oh. the car ride there was so fun, omg. i love my best friend. the whole time, we were texting tor. DYINGGGG. jcook, sew qtttt. fast forward. in new york city, in front of highline, getting out of the car and walking in. saw amanda! then, as laur and i are walking in, alex marshall is right behind us???? i don't know. that was qt, though! got in, saw alex deleon and nate flynn! went right over to TRS merch table. ahhhh, tara :)! so nice. bought an adorable shirt, the ep and the bracelet. AH life. then, went into the main room to watch down with webster. they were good, actually. then my favorite highway >:] qt as haleee. sing it loud, always always good :) nate flynn, you are so adorable all the time. so, during sing it loud, laur and i got really close! actually found tor and amana :D. and honestly, a couple minutes before stephen bryce avary went on, i really can't even tell you how i felt. it was insane. 401 days without seeing him. and he was about to be right in front of me. butterflies. getting chills writing this! aww. so... he walks out. ded. crying. arm grabbing moments, obviously. he sits down at the drumset, and plays. and it loops. freakingggg out, he actually did the whole looping thing again! he plays bass, loops it, and same thing with guitar. then he goes to the piano, the whole band comes out, and they open with break it out. i love this man. favorite. after that was brat pack, do you feel, save, you gotta believe, so much love, MAPS, hills and valleys, and of course, closed with so, in this hour. 1. MAPS?????? ARE YOU KIDDING ME. freaked out. honestly, so beautiful. AND he did the same thing he did last fall where he moved to a small stage in the back and then crowd surfed back to the main stage (sorry if i ruined it!) but i loved that. last time it was goodbye waves and now this. best. 2. so fucking happy he played hills and valleys. favorite song from the ep, hands down. 3. so, in this hour... will never ever ever stop amazing me. When I'm lost and it seems like the end, like there's only certain death, you tell me to live. When dark clouds cover the sky, like there's no hope, you are the light, you tell me to live. When I'm all by myself, and I'm scared about my health, you tell me to live. And when you heal my broken wings, yes, you heal my everything. You tell me to live. always the most beautiful thing i've ever heard. so, after he got off, laura and i left the crowd. roamed, got water. then forever the sickest kids came on! gunzelman was sidestage, of course. they opened with believe me i'm lying! then catastrophe, hey brittany, she likes!, becky stars, my worst nightmare, the way she moves, breakdown, and she's a lady. encore was what do you want from me and woah oh! 1. so glad they played she likes >:] 2. BECKY STARS, SERIOUSLY? ded. dedddd. and the way she moves. so fucking cute. probably one of the best ftsk shows i've been to. sooo, 7th time seeing bryce and 7th time seeing ftsk! how qt. oh, ps people really liked touching laur's head tonight....? LMAO. anyway. found tor and amanda after the show. talked to some people before leaving. so, walked outside. i was behind all 3 of them, laura, tor and amanda. then we stop, i look up and they're all looking at me. um............. bryce. right in front of me. mother fucking dead. favorite person on the planet, 4 feet away from me. so obv i go to talk to him. okay so, no one understands how much this means to me. he signed my shirt, and i asked him to date it. then told him how i'll see him wednesday and thursday, too :D. he had to ask me what the date was... LOL. then he signed my baggg and we took a picture. gave him a hug and told him he was amazing on stage. yeah, basically, words are never enough. walked away and cried. before we left, i went back over to him. "i'm leaving now, but first of all, i wanna say i'm so glad you played maps tonight." "yeah, it was rad, thank you!" "and you're my favorite person ever and i'll see you on wednesday!" more hugs. i'm amazed that i'm talkin' to you. seriously. this smile isn't leaving my face for a while. best. week. ever. i love you. xo.

312.

...................my life. explanation later.

edit. alright, so. here it is. i woke up this morning, more excited for bryce tomorrow than the academy is..., tonight. idk. i guess i was just more pumped! so, started getting ready after my shower when tor calls me. basically, her friend jamie had meet and greet with TAI and mayday in jersey, but they fucked up her date, and made it for the donkey. she was fucking nice enough to help set it up for me. so, i was basically DED. wasn't really expecting to meet the TAI boys so i was incredibly happy. so, i was texting jamie and i asked her if it was at a table. her reply was possibly the best thing i've ever heard in my life. private meet and greet with TAI and mayday, just me and a friend. basically DYING. i can't even. i'm so glad there are some nice people in the world. thank you so much to her and to tor, because i don't think my night would have been half as fucking epic without them. anyway. so, i get ready. kinda stressed but it's kay. basically flailing around my house, because if you know me you know that tends to happen a lot. left at 4:15 for the donkey. got there around 4:45 and met up with paloma, izzy and rachel. marissa was there! and soon sam came! yayayay. so sam, paloma and i decided to walk to chipotle to get food. good thing chislett was there with his wife..... LOL awkward times. we left and ended up walking somewhat behind them on route 110? why does this happen LOL. anyway. got back on line, found sam a ticket! at 5:30, SLH m&g was lining up so sam left. i was texting nichole, who works for AP and was setting up the thing for us! i asked her when to meet her and she said 7. sooo, doors opened at 6, woo! went in, chilled. you me at six was good times, qt british bands ftw! oh and ps, i love people from my school at shows. LOL NOT. before we went insides, there was a mayday parade signing! got on that line and met them, qt! they signed one of my belts hahaha. sooo, YMAS were on, i looked at my phone and it was 6:55. i asked nichole where she was, and she said the AP table. walked over there with paloma and found her. so then, she whips out 2 all access passes. hi, this is me loving my life. "so, in a few minutes we'll go out to the back by the buses." WHAT? shaking. we walked through the donkey and out the back door. standing next to the bus with lomes. nichole goes in for a second, and then comes back out to take us on. this was exactly 7pm. lomes walks on first. i kinda wanted to cry. walked up the stairs to see my second favorite band sitting right in front of me.. on their bus...... ah. shit. i sat down with william beckett on my right and mike carden on my left. sisky across from me, chiz and butcher to the right of him, and loma was on the other side of sisky. k so....... fucking ded. WILLIAM BECKETT. SITTING. NEXT TO ME. one of the most brilliant people i've ever met, my inspiration, everything. hi. introduced ourselves. and honestly, i couldn't even tell you what went down during that 15 minutes on their bus. so much funny shit. talking about cops, cosby show, spongebob, sisky being the deputy?, becks being a bridezilla, touring, past shows, niagra falls, friends, beards, haircuts, bill&trav's...... etc. as i was sitting there i was just thinking about everything. how many years have i loved this band? how many times have i seen them? how much do they fucking mean to me? it was honestly a fucking wish come true. then nichole suggested we get stuff signed and take pictures. got my pictures with them from last november signed, they were so cute about it! talked about sisky's hair, ahahaha. then took a group picture! next to beckett >:] LOL they're so awkward and i love it. right after the picture beckett turns to me, "i really like your vest by the way!" oh, um... okay. i love you. lmfao ded. after all that. i hugged beckett, and then the rest of them too. they were thanking us for coming to meet them, what? that band has done everything for me, and i'm so endlessly grateful. thank you more than you know. basically floated off the bus. smiling so much while writing this. nichole brought us over to mayday parade's bus, OH. went on and then came back out for us, this time i walked on first. introduced ourselves and sat down! brookes was to my left, and loma to my right. jake, derek and jeremy were across from me. alex came a few minutes later! kso, those boys are so funny. talked about random things again. doritos, sleeping, being spanish, indians, hot wings, cheap cereal, being on tour, sets, headlining, and other stuff. LMFAO i don't think anyone understands how funny they are. then i asked alex to call jamie! obviously i needed to say thank you somehow, although i really could never repay her or tor. btw, only best friends get each other on their favorite band's buses :)! so then, we talked a bit more, and then took pictures. i said to be crazy, LOL. pretty easy. funny times, i seriously love them. when we were about to leave brookes walked up and gave us hugs, obviously leading to hugging them all. so cute. walked off the happiest fucking person alive. said thank you to nichole a million times walking back into the donkey. i wanted to cry of happiness. the secret handshake was on and i was basically flailing around everywhere. i honestly could not ask for a better life, i'm so grateful for everything that happens to me. meeting my heroes, the people who have literally shaped who i am, is probably the best feeling in the world. anyway. luis! qttttt. oh, forgot to mentionnn! i bought a TAI dogtag, it's ADORABLE. it says the academy is... on the front and i'm yours tonight on the back. ahhh love life. after luis was set your goals, didn't really pay attention. hung out outside with paloma, izzy, rachel, sam, brooke and marissa. then, mayday came on. they were good good! played a bunch of old songs, i was happy. i was with sam during that. after they were done, i was PUMPED. loma, izzy and rachel went in the pit for them so i wasn't wif dem. i love TAI pits to death, seriously, so i wasn't missing it. ran into the crowd, but i was alone! so, i went and found ze becerra sisters. decided to go in, ahhhhhh. THE BEST. i was dying dying dying. we got so close. and then butcher, sisky, carden and chiz came out. of course beckett was last. ded. haven't seen them in almost a year. they opened with almost here. i fucking love this band for remembering where they came from. next was neighbors (AHHHH), checkmarks, about a girl, classifieds, rumored nights, 40 steps, sputter, summer hair = forever young, and closed with slow down. 1. I LOVE MY LIFE AND I CAN'T BELIEVE THEY PLAYED 40 STEPS. not a lot of people know that song and they dedicated it to SLH. oh life. 2. 4 songs from almost here, seriously? i love everyone. 3. sputter was absolutely amazing. oh, my boys. never cease to amaze me. so, after, walked around a little bit with people. didn't really need to meet anyone else, my night is fucking complete. i love my life more than you know. and so begins the best week of my life. bryce tomorrow. WHAT? <3.

311.

ohhhh, fun times. woke up and got ready. yeah, i love you. (: soooo, anyway. LOL. later on in the day, idek what i did? hahaha i can't remember. but natalie picked me up at 6:15 to go to heather's. when we got there, erin, diana and sam were there. then jesse came and we all left to go to hotoke for dinner! basically the same thing as gasho. everyone else met up with us there, sarah, taylor, alicia, kelsey, etc. it was suchhh a good time, so funny. i love nights like this. after dinner, we went outside, heel races went on, and other fun things. walked around. it was really cold! thennn, heather's mother came and picked a bunch of us up. dropped off natalie, and then dropped me off. i called natalie and when my brother answered the door, he thought it was a good idea to pick me up and carry me up the stairs into his room. and nick was there! we chilled, and i hate my brodder. NOT :D. anyways. eventually, erik came, and then we all went to tacobell. interesting. i feel like we go to taco bell every day lulz. but it was fun. it was almost midnight when we decided to drive to the docks in northport. had dancing parties, played on the playground and harassed random people. obviously what always goes on. at 1, we drove back home and watched tv. erik left D: and then nick went to go pick up mason. RANDOM. he came back and chilled. at this point it was probably 2:30am. LOL. i'm tireddd so i'm on the computer now and then i'm going to sleep. THE ACADEMY IS... TOMORROW. actually, technically today. so that means, BRYCE IS TECHNICALLY TOMORROW. i love my life. xo!

310.

so much fun today. school was alright, as usual. went home, ate, tv, whatev. then i did my global hw and got ready, while blasting john mayer, obv. went to katrina's house at 5:30 and we chilled. talked about many things, stalked people, you know. the usual. at 7:45 we left to go to the lasertag place for heather's "surprise" party. ahahaha. we were the first ones there, question mark? but yeah. then alo came, and eventually everyone. heather, sarah, diana, taylor, evan, jason, alicia, etc. i haven't been laser tagging in FOREVER. it was kind of an awkward experience but it was fun. fun times. besides killing katrina accidently with my gun, LOL. i love her. the black light was really awesome (picture is katrina and i's bracelets glowing!), good conversations, funny times, yeshyeshyesh. after we finished our 2 games, some people went to play volleyball and things like that, so me and katrina didn't know what to do! we decided to get picked up and go somewhere. my dad came and took us to wendy's, WOO! i was supposed to write about something specific in my blog but i don't remember it :( aww. well, after wendy's, i dropped katrina off and then went home. early night for me. xo!

309.

i feel like a child. LOL, oh english projects. well yeah. today was busy. between homework, a paper, that, studying, laundry... etc. yeah. idk. i'm kinda stressed lately and it's not okay. dnw to be like i was last year. but i'm sure this will pass. anyway... i really like you. there's no denying that anymore. it doesn't matter. no one knows and i'm kinda liking it that way. not because i'm embarrassed or anything. just because. talking to you is completely effortless, the way it should be. you're probably the only person besides my best friends that i can stay on the phone with for the longest time. it's just so much different than it was with anyone else. so much better. hopefully, over time better things can happen. like you can actually be a big part of my life. but for now, i'm fine with this. it really is perfect. like i said, i don't want a label to change anything right now. but i think we both know where this is going. i'm happy today, despite being stressed. that's all that matters, right? xo.

308.

it feels like these days are going really fast. it's kind of good and bad at the same time. but anyway. i'm pretty much the only one who understands why this is my picture. laur might, too. but yeah. i can't believe i'm feeling like this right now. i don't know where to start. when i first heard about it, i didn't really even think because we hadn't been talking in a while. then we started again, and i remembered how fucking awesome you really are. and we talked about that night. i was so glad that i got your side, instead of everyone else's. i know who you truly are, and i'll never judge you. but it breaks my heart that one night, one decision, maybe only one minute, changed your life. i wish you could go back and think first. hearing about it makes me so upset. i try not to cry when i see that picture. it's just not fair. and it's so weird, when i read about it and shit, it becomes so real. that this is you and this is what you did. i know such a different person. i honestly wish you the best. i hope you're okay in the future, and hopefully we'll talk again when you have time. love you. today was okay, i guess. idk. idk idk idk. i don't feel like writing about that. i just want to rant forever. i have to write this damn paper, i've been procrastinating. and if you haven't realized, you're hurting me this very second. FUCK THIS. i don't care anymore.

edit. sorry about that. idk, i just got upset. because of you. obviously i care a lot if you can say one thing, and that happens. how could you not believe me? yeah, so, this might not work. but i'm willing to try if you are. i actually might be looking forward to tomorrow. xo.

307.

homework? oh, okay. idk. and i hate shitty quality. oh well. today was just, really weird. this afternoon, was interesting. fun times. i enjoy the feeling you give me, but is this for real? i really don't think so. but who knows. i do like you, at least know that. well, anyway. the rest of my day kind of sucked i guess. i don't really know how to explain it. just a weird mood. i was talking to the weirdest people. and it made me realize something about myself, something i really don't like. don't know how to explain that either. also, right now i feel really unaccomplished and stressed, fuckkkkkkkk. it feels like last year. fuck fuck fuck. things cannot get like this again. no way is that happening. oh also. i know you'll probably read this and you'll probably know it's you (plural). but whatev, i want to get this out. you know we've been distant lately. we used to be inseparable. the closest anyone could ever be. you were the only reason i survived last year. because we were all so close. it got me through everything, if you haven't realized that. and now, this year is great, but it's not the same. it's not like we're falling apart and nothing's okay but i'd give anything for it to be like last year. as far as we are concerned. why am i crying right now. we all have other friends and of course i completely accept that, i wouldn't have it any other way, but i feel like we don't make enough time for each other anymore. myself included. i don't know what to write anymore. the reason i didn't talk to you directly is because i don't want to unnecessarily start anything, like i did last time. just know that i love you both to death, so much more than you know and i miss you. xo.

306.

school was aright, i don't like mondays though. atleast there's no school tomorrow. kiana came over after school and then left around 5. i took a long walk at 6. the napped. i really like today. staying up mad late, probably.

ps. tonight made me sure that i like you. shit.

305.

came home from paloma's at 1, showered, got ready, and then went to sarah's for nicholas' birthday with mom and jess. came home around 8 and then did my photo project. this one is an idiom, a dime a dozen. cool. i like today. xo.