120.

the excitement inside me can't be measured with this picture. forever the sickest fucking kids tonight, as well as the cab. don't care about anyone else. tonight will be amazing. no matter what happens. xo.

119.

herro. the first picture is basically what happens when i love my friends and i'm with nick santino. second one is when i can never get the maine out of my head and i'm bored in math. so, last night was basically perfection. i don't feel like telling all the details so i'll try to keep it short. i got home, showered, and tor got here a little before 5. my mom came home and then we left around 5:30. doors were at 6, whoops. we got in as a rocket to the moon was playing, caught maybe 3 songs and it was sew qt. dw those boys all the time. i'm so glad justin is their touring guitarist, because he's the greatest. anyway. we got merch and just chilled, yaknow. talked to eric and justin from arttm. we were in the crowd kinddddd of for hit the lights, and the maine. i swear, the maine gets better every time. i just hate their fans so much. after the maine, about half the crowd left to try to go meet them. ha. ff5 came out and i just about died when i saw their qt matching dressy outfits. omg, adorable. around the 3rd song, gunz called me and told me he was outside, so tor and i went downstairs to give him his ticket so he could get in. then, the obligatory photoshoot with gunzi. of course. we went back upstairs and listened to the rest of ff5 and we were pretty close. when 3OH!3 was about to come on, i was dying of excitement. i heard the beginning of tapp and lost it. those boys are so good live, even better than on cd. there's just so much energy, it's insane. sooo much fun, jfc. after they were done, tor and i went outside irving. talked to garrett and jared of the maine, nick, eric, loren and justin of a rocket to the moon, and chilled with gunz. basically the classic night. those nights that i live for. i fucking love my lifestyle, honestly. it was around 11:45 when we went to get pizza. good thing hit the lights was in the pizza place. haaaay awkward hahaha. good times though. "oh, believe me... i'm easy." hahaha. so i got home around 1 and showered. couldn't go to sleep until 2. i was dead in school today but it's all worth it, honestly. tomorrow is forever the sickest kids and the cab with my 2 best friends in the world, and countless other close ones. i can't wait for this. i haven't seen ftsk since october, and the cab in almost a year. i'm just gunna blast both of them all day tomorrow. i love lifeeeeeee, goodbye <3.

118.

today so far was..... interesting. bronx zoo wasn't fun until i met up with caylin. squirrel monkies are my new favorite animal. i just took a shower and tor's on her way here now. leaving soon for ap tour, hellz fucking yes. i'm so excited. i love life and i love you. xo!

117.

i feel this is one of the best parts of summer. they may be weeds but i think they're adorable. so, today was good. i don't know why but lately my life has been so funny all the time. and i'm so happy with this. school was the usual, yaknow. i stayed after until 5 to watch nik's audition for music madness and to hang out with people. always a fun time. then off to the people to people meeting. got me SO excited for europe. 82 effin days. i seriously can't wait anymore. so, tomorrow will be QUITE eventful. going to school, but only for first period. then off to the bronx zoo which might be fun, who knows. i'll get back around 3:30, go home and shower, and then tor will come to mah house. we'll leave asaaaap for irving plaza, haaay! so excited. i can't. this will be amazing. this whole week will. haaaaha i love my life, goodbye!

ps. your life moves faster than mine. and even if we're not gunna go anywhere, i'm still happy to call you my friend. you have a beautiful soul.

116.

it's beautiful out today, just like yesterday. i love this weather and it makes me so much more excited for summer. only 7 more weeks and i'm done with school. despite of the fact that it's sunday, i am in an amazing mood. i've been blasting forever the sickest kids all day, and now i'm so excited to see them in 4 days. this week will be INSANE. on tuesday, i'm going on a field trip to the bronx zoo with my school. should be pretty fun, considering i'm not gunna be in school. when i get home from the zoo, i'll take a shower and then i'm off to manhatten for ap. the maine, a rocket to the moon, family force 5, 3OH!3 and hit the lights. hell yeah. wednesday, i'll be DEAD. oh well. thursday will be insane as well. forever the sickest kids, the cab, we the kings (?) and nevershoutnever (?) dnw the last 2 but it'll be AMAZING because of the first 2. can't wait. plus i see my best friends. and then, next weekend. what i've been counting down until for 166 days. baaamboozle. the best weekend of the year. i'm so excited. people are sleeping over on friday night and then we'll leave early saturday morning. i'm going with sarah, josh, marissa, and meeting up with a million other people. i can't wait. ohmygod. i'm staying in a hotel overnight and on sunday night, too. therefore missing school on monday. oh well. this is all worth it. i love my life so much. xo.

edit. i'm so happy, it's insane. i don't care about your bullshit. i'm happy where i am right now. and that is all i need <3.

115.

nothing else seems to matter when you two are by my side. today was great. just want i needed. tor and law slept over last night and we went to adventureland today from about 1-6. the picture is right before the log flume ride. ahahaha. love my best friends. we got stuck in the haunted house and it was the scariest thing of my life. we got back to my house a little while ago. they're still here now, chillin. we're gunna go outside to take pictures now! later we'll probably chill with nik and caylin, go to the northport docks maybe? lasertag? i'll let you know how that goes.

edit. ohhh life. i ended up picking up caylin and nik and all 5 of us went to the docks in northport for a bit. walked around to the stores and whatnot. then we went to baskin robins to get ice cream. we got back to my house around 10:30 and chilledddd. tor left around 11:30 ): and then nik went home around 2. 'twas a fun night. best quotes; "I CAN'T COUNT... PRETEND I'M ENGLAND!" "I DON'T WANT TO SEE A STRAWBERRY!" "if they can fly, i'm pretty sure they can find a way to eat gummy bears." "we're going to florida?" "we got yelled at by a bum for stealing his basketball." "HAND HUG!" "WATERMELON WATERMELON WATERMELON WATERMELON" oh yes. plently more i can't remember. peace <3.

114.

haaaa. today was frustrating. but who cares. i'm with my best friends now. we's going to the movies soooon. and adventureland tomorrow! ayayay. alright, goodbye! <3

113.

When I look in your eyes, I just see the sky.

112.

i've given up trying. you are the only thing that wakes me up in the morning.

edit. i don't even know how to say what i'm feeling right now. like honestly, i'm so confused. i feel like everything is coming down at once. numerous things are starting conflicts with people i never intended to hurt. i just wish everything would go away. i don't know anymore. i feel like every action i make and word i speak goes unheard and unanswered. what does it even matter? i don't know where i'm headed and the future frustrates me so much. like, i believe in fate, and that everything happens for a reason, yaknow? but why is this happening? why have things played out like this? i honestly don't see us going anywhere and right now, it's causing more problems than i expected. 1. honestly? what are you trying to do? you barely even know him. everyone agrees with me anyway. it pisses me off that you continue with your actions, fully aware of me and my feelings. what are you, ignoring them? some friend you are. 2. i don't get you. you're so weird to me sometimes and i don't know why because i love you to death. you gotta open up to me. if there's one thing i hate more than anything else, it's when people talk to other people about me instead of talking to me. if something's bothering you, come to me. i don't understand what you're going through. but it's only because you won't tell me. or anyone for that matter. anyway. tonight, i just feel really emotional. my heart is full of love. and i don't know what to do.

111.

this is how you make me feel. i wonder if you ever think about me.

edit. it's crazy how much i love you.

edit 2. shit. i've never been one to hate school. i've always tried hard and it's paid off. it mattered a lot to me. but this year is so much different. i'm honestly counting down the days until i can leave this hellhole called commack high school. i've never dreaded going to school as much as i do this year. i can honestly say there's no reason to wake up in the morning and drag myself there. it just fucking sucks. i'm starting to give up. i don't care about school work. all i do is text and sleep. and then the moment i get home, i'm so fucking stressed it's insane. but when i try to do my work, i can't concentrate. i've just lost all interest in this. and i don't know what to do. i know i need to do well in school to go to college, but honestly. it's not worth all the shit i'm putting myself through. fuck this. 7 more weeks of this shit. hello summer 09. i need you more than anything. ps. a junior in my school hung himself tonight. my heart goes out to his family and friends. i wish i could've known you. life is too short. rest in peace.

110.

shitty quality, oh well. today was fun. went to nik's house with laura, tracy, and caylin. the picture is tracy and i in the reflection of nik's sunglasses, obviously. love my bestttttt. alright so, i don't care how obvious this is. i just need to get it out. i don't get why people say we have changed. we haven't fucking changed one bit. honestly, you wouldn't even being saying that if you didn't know about our actions. but now you just want a reason for us to stop. so maybe there's no good reason. so what. that doesn't make us selfish. i appreciate the concern but really. we can take care of ourselves. i don't have time for cryptic bullshit. our decisions are ours to make and ours alone. thanks.

edit. sometimes i wonder why everything hits me at night. i guess this why i edit so much. anyway. i'm so done. i'm done with everything. i'm done with criticism and frustration and self-doubt and every negative fucking thing that occurs in my life. i don't understand why people give me so much shit. no, this is not about one single person. none of this is. i just don't know what to do or say anymore. seriously. how can i justify every action i make? i fucking can't. so i don't see why you expect me to. hopefully getting sleep tonight. bye.

109.

write later.

edit. i guess i'll start with yesterday. laura and i met up half way at maybe 5, and decided it was nice and i had my camera so we went on a walk. we called tracy to see if she could hang out since we were walking towards her and we had plans. we met up and chilled for a bit. i called my brother to pick us up because it was getting dark. after a while he didn't show up so we decided to start walking. he texted me when we were halfway there that mike korb was gunna pick us up. so the three of us went to my house for a second, and then went to nik's. great times, great music, great laughs and great people. always a fun time. i went home around midnight. so today, was better than i expected. i mean, it is a sunday. i did all my homework but basically procrastinated my project that's due tomorrow until about 6. laura came over and we did it together. she left at 9 and i finished around 11:30. it's 12:45 right now, by the way. i don't think i'll get much sleep tonight because of this. i've been thinking. overthinking and overanlyzing. i'm making myself crazy to the point where i don't even know what to do except cry. no one gets it. i feel so distant. it seems so trivial to everyone else. but you are my world.

edit 2. But I could tell from the beginning, it was meant to be, and it may not seem quite perfect but it seems so right to me. And I don't want to push you into anything, cause I want the best for you, I just can't stand the thought of you with someone new. You got a smile that could light up a whole room, and when I see it I can't seem to get my eyes off you. Cause you complete me in so many ways, I wish I could explain, I guess I'd say you're like the sun that breaks through all my rainy days. it's 1:30am and i won't be getting much sleep tonight. old habits die hard. could i really be falling back into this?

108.

holy shit, do i have a story for you. warning; this will be VERY LONG. when i did my blog yesterday, i had no idea what was coming for my friends and i. holy shit. the picture above is andy and nico's signatures of danger radio. so, tor left school early to get ready and get to blender early. she and jill got there around 4, and at 4:30 she called me. plain white t's was cancelled (who cares?) and the show was now free. i basically died as i called laura. andrew de torres is her favorite person and the only reason she wasn't going was because she didn't buy a ticket. i left her a message, she called me back DYING. she asked her mom and was at my house in about 15 mintes lmfao (: my mom came home at 5:15 and we left at 5:30. we got to the city at 6:30 and go online with tor. they started letting us in at 7 and we got barricade on the left side. the first band came on, single file, and they were pretty good. butterflies induced when i saw andrew sidestage for the first time that night. danger came on, and played slowdance with a stranger, your kind, used and abused, broken man, things, alive for the first time, you all believe, kiss n' tell, and a little bit of toxic and wonderwall. overall, absolutely amazing. but the most amazing part happened after that. the show ended at about 10:30. we hung out inside for a little, talked with gunzi and andy :)! and then we went outside. i knew everyone was gunna get mobbed and i felt bad. i talked with all of the DR boys, and gunz gave me his bracelet for free, so i was happy. also, spencer phillips is the CUTESTTTT. i wasn't really talking to andrew because he was being MOBBED, but then i noticed a small crowd behind their trailer. laura and i go over and andrew is sitting there with his acoustic. i was dying because it was exactly what i was hoping for. he sang my sweet carolina to a girl and it was adorable. then eric came over to form the scene aesthetic. when they said they were going to play i was about to cry. it was exactly what i wanted. they played beauty in the breakdown, heavy lies the crown, love story (tayswift), semi-charmed life (third eye blind), and the man i am. the man i am is their new song that i was dying to hear, but i didn't know the name of it. it's on repeat as we speak. but anyway, when andrew started the chords, i knew. i was dying. we made eye contact and he laughed because i knew the words. he made eye contact with laura too :'). it was so genuine. so meaningful. and that's why i love those boys. after this, laura and i spoke with andrew for a minute. we took pictures and thanked him again and again. then, he said something like "yeah, i saw you guys singing along and it was weird because this song is so new, i didn't think anyone knew it." my smile was HUGE. any dissatisfaction with that night was whisked away in that moment. we thanked him a million times and then said bye. then we freaked out. happy tears. it was amazing. i didn't even know what to do with myself. we then went and said bye to gunz, of course. we decided to say bye to andy, too, because he was near us. we go over and say bye and he hugs both of us :) then he goes, "are you guys alone?!" and i'm like "yeahhh" and he's like "wow, you better be careful! don't get killed, okay? i'll kill you both if you die!" and it made me smile so much. when we got in the car with my mom i just rambled on and on. i haven't had these feelings in so long and i missed it. last night was the definition of perfection. thank you to danger radio and eric, for something so genuine that i will never, ever forget. look in my eyes, tell me that i lie. because i've never been so sure of anything in my life. i told you that i loved you once and i meant every word i said, and i will love you til the day that i am dead.

107.

click to enlarge. danger radio tonight. this weekend will be perfect. this is what i need. <3

106.

i don't know why it's so blurry here. click. it's the truth.

105.

feeling this today. this is not only a message for me. it's for you. and all my friends. and everyone who needs it. i'm gunna try to keep this short. you have given me a reason. i won't give in. but you can't either. and we'll see how it goes.

104.

here we go. back into the world of books and homework and pointless hours of my life. thank god we only have 9 more weeks of this hellhole. i can't wait to get the fuck out. there are only a couple people that keep me smiling. you are one of them. thank you. xo.

103.

so todaaaay is the last day of break ): and my plans kinda failed a bit. but ohwell. i'm here wif dalaw and fooooog and yeah. love my best friends a lot. dnw to go back to school tomorrow but hopefully things with you will be different now, better :) ahaha okay bye!

edit. shit man. i really can't handle school tomorrow. i'm not ready for this stress. not now and not ever. i mean, i did all my homework and shit but i barely worked on my projects, and i'll regret that. shit. idunno. but anyway. i don't even know how to begin. i haven't been in this situation in a long time. i don't even remember the last time. "Who could deny these butterflies?" it's true. i feel like such an idiot because i always believed that no one could ever fall for someone in such a short period of time. i'm not saying i'm in love but the feeling that you give me is the one i've been waiting for. you're the one i've been waiting for. they say kids don't know much about love and i always thought that was wrong. i know it's so cliche but i really don't know what to write because i cannot put it into words. if i could have anything in the world, it would be you. forever. i promised myself that i'd be careful and i'm trying to be. it would be absolutely horrible to rush something on you that you don't want. we need to get close and go from there, and i know that. it's killing me to wait, but for you, i'd obtain all the patience in the world. i will give it however long i need to. because you are worth every second. tears of happiness come now. these thoughts seem lame to everyone but me. but who the fuck cares? "now you HAVE a reason to go to school." i guess that's true. school is the shittiest thing ever but when your eyes meet mine, it's all worth it.

edit 2. it's honestly really good to know you care enough to read this. this is why you're my favorite out of his friends. i hope you know this is for you. thank you.

102.

today was funssss. i woke up around 10 and got ready. did some stuff and went to laura's around 1 and had easter dinner with her and her family. i'm sure it was a hell of a lot better than dinner with MY family would've been :). the picture is her wall in her room. we drove around with her sister and watched saw III. fun times, obviously. i came home at 8 and now i'm dying. i honestly can say i've found someone absolutely perfect for me. it's been said that opposites attract, and maybe that is so, but not in this case. the butterflies you give me are crazy. you make me so happy. every 11:11 wish is for you. i hope things work out because i'd really give anything to have you. and i'll spend as much time as i have to. xo.

101.

ohhhh man. what a story i have. never have i realized how much one thing could mean to me until last night. i feel like last night didn't happen at all. so when we met up with nik, we had 2 bags. shortly after we got to his house, we realized we were missing one of them. that bag had that case in it. aka 44 of my favorite cd's. i literally cried. we left nik's house around 2:30am and slept at caylin's. theeeen we woke up at 7:30 haha. laura, tracy and i came back to my house and slept. they went home and it set in. i didn't have my cd's. and there were a few signatures in there. i made flyers that offered a reward because they mean SO much to me. my mom and i went to caylin's house to get my phone because i left it there. then caylin and taylor came with me to the shopping center i left the cd's at to hang flyers. we went into carvel and asked the guy is he found any bags last night and i can't describe my face when he brought it out to us. i don't think i've been that happy in a long time. askhfkjash. so now, i'm with laura and caylin and wesa go see a movie soon :) yayay. too bad this break is almost over, it was maaad fun. mkay bye!

100.

first of all, day 100! :) that's a number to be proud of. sooo, i slept over tor's last night, fun times as always. we left videos for people on their facebooks ahahah. it was 1-2am and we were still in our dresses from the sweet 16. ohman. we woke up, got ready, and i left around 3:30. now i'm here wif laura and tracy, and we're going to caylin's soon. then we're walking to nik's house to hang out for a little. then sleeping over caylin's wif them :) ! yayay. okay bye!

99.

fuck you, bolivia. fuck this stupid project. fuck the one i finished and fuck the one i haven't started. isn't spring break supposed to be fun? fuck. atleast i'm going to heather's sweet 16 tonight. and then sleeping at tor's. idk what to do though. i'll feel more stressed the moment i get home.

98.

i haven't ever really edited my picture of the day this much, so it's a bit of a first. i love this series of pictures laura and i took, and i feel the heart she's making with her hand fits the words. click to make bigger. "I'm thankful that in God's design, he planned it so your path crossed mine." i love it. and i made it with one person in mind. old goodbye's lead to new hello's, and once one door closes, another one opens. you prove this. you came into my life swiftly and left me speechless. feeling like this is driving me crazy, thinking about you all the time. it's surreal. i'll work on this and be careful. i can't mess it up. amazing. xo.

97.

well........ there's nothing to say about this except my best friends and i are insane. last night was so fun. tor, laura, tracy and i met up with nik and walked around aimlessly. then it started raining ahahah. soaked. it's okay though. we got home and took showers and ate and all that fun stuff. love my best friends. now i'm with tracy and tor and laura's coming soon and we're going to tropical smoothie! :) sammy's later with tor, laura, jakelyn, connor, megan, craig, jess, johnny and some other people? idek, but we're gunna play manhunt sooo it'sa be fun. but yeah. sleeping there, be back tomorrow of course! mkay bye!

96.

what did i do today? absolutely nothing. tor is hopefully coming over tonight and then probably doing something with cuartosome. should be more exciting than the rest of my day. xo. ps. i'm amazed that i'm talkin' to you. http://i40.tinypic.com/bil7yd.jpg

edit. april 6th is just an amazing day. never forget. today made me feel like i haven't in so long. imagine if i didn't have my best friends right there with me the whole time? this wouldn't have happened. i don't even know what to say. xo.

95.

i'll make this quick. i went to tropical smoothie with these girls today. then back to lauren's. this doesn't happen enough. it should. love you all. now, going to faye's with laura hopefully. xo.

edit. so it's 2:31am right now and i'm dead tired. but i need to write. about my day and also what i'm feeling. after i got home from lauren's, i walked halfway to meet laura and faye. we decided it was perfect walking weather and proceed to walk to taco bell. ate, whatevs, went to the bowling alley and nick picked us up. ahahaha. amazing night, i haven't laughed that much in a long time. then i got home and mike, henry, erik, jill and dan were at my house. we drove around doing shenanigans, obviously. however. i sat in the back of mike's car with "kissing in cars" on repeat. "As we wake up in your room, your face is the first thing I see. The first time I've seen love, and the last I'll ever need. You remind her that your future will be nothing without her. Never lose her, I'm afraid, better think of something good to say. But its all been done more than once. I'll keep trying. Oh, God don't let me be the only one who says... No, at the top of our lungs there's no, no such thing as too young. Second chances won't leave you alone. Then there's faith in love." idk how to explain this. i said this earlier; i refuse to watch you slip away, you will DROWN even in this shallow town. and it's true. i can't let you go. as stupid as it is you make me feel like i really don't know how to explain. perfect. and there are no words. i wish i didn't feel like shit, though. about how i am. how can i stand out to you? i feel like such an idiot. again. i thought i was way past this feeling. now i just know how much it sucks. again.

edit 2. i want to cry. i just want to cry. i don't know why. it's not going anywhere but that still seems to be downhill. i don't stop thinking about you.

94.

all daaaay wif da best friends. of course. we went to jc pennys and tried on dresses :) and other fun stuffs. then we went to tgi friday's for dindin :) now they're sleeping ovah again! yayay. i love life. bye! ps. bolt<3!

93.

i watched the weight of your world cave in to crush you. a day to remember was fucking amazing. my best friends, brother + an amazing band = the greatest. i'm with laura and tor right nowwww and they're sleeping over. i love my best friends. bye :)

edit. i broke up with ryan today. thought that might be an important thing to note.

92.

20 bucks says you'll remember me, when you see me on your tv screen.
everything about this picture is awesome. this one will be quick, a day to remember today. only a couple hours now. this is what i need. goodbye.

91.

hellooo. this is my best friend :) we're sitting here listening to a day to remember and looking at wordboners. tomorrow, we see adtr :) :) :) omg. i can't wait. i better not have homework tomorrow. okay bye!

edit. oh and, i met someone amazing today.