alone.

why is it that when i need help again, i realize that the people that used to help me have already walked out of my life? it's the worst realization i've ever made. i feel so fucking alone. one person in particular, i need to talk about. i'm not gunna deny it. i miss you a hell of a lot. and i'm not gunna say it doesn't still hurt. i mean, i know i theoretically "fucked up" but don't you think you're being immature? i think you'd be lying if you said i was never an important part of your life. and so would i. you still are, in my eyes, or atleast i wish you were. ignoring me is not going to make me forget, if that's what you think. it just hurts more. i wish i still had someone to call up at 3 in the morning if i couldn't sleep. someone who would yell at anyone bothering me. someone who could make me smile at any given moment, and that i would give the world for. i still would...if you ever would give me the chance to. i wish i had someone to check up on me, to talk to me until i fell asleep, to say cute things that made me feel important and cared for, and to say all the right things to save me time and time again. sometimes i think that now that i don't have you, i'm in danger. i really need your help again. i need the comfort of knowing that someone, somewhere, actually gives a shit about me. i need someone to save me when i need it most. i don't want to become my old self again, but i feel it rapidly approaching. i'd really love if you waltzed back into my life. i'd really appreciate you caring again. i really wish i had you again. but people don't usually get what they wish for...

merry christmas.

merry christmas everyone (: i hope you get everything you want and have had an amazing day. it hasn't been that amazing for me... oh well. i want to write but i'm too lazy. sorry<3.

giving thanks.

so, today is a day of food, family, and reflection. what are you thankful for? mr. beckett made me think about it. i'm thankful for so many things, that when i think about it, they seem to overcome every bad thing in my life. i'm thankful for; my family. because without them, i would have no support. my wonderful friends. because without them, i would have no reason to smile. my cats! because without them, i wouldn't know what it's like to be in charge of a living creature. music, because without it, frankly... i wouldn't have something to enjoy. such a big part of my life would be missing. i'm thankful for shows. because without them, i wouldn't have anything to look forward to, and nothing to enjoy. for all the amazing people in my life. for just, everything. every thing that has ever been given to me, that i am lucky to have. most of my family is here today, and i don't think i'll be online much anymore today. have a good thanksgiving (:

-_-

i love how i CANNOT commit to this fully .... yet. idek. the past few weeks have been pretty awesome. chills with my boys the academy is... in jersey and nyc. always a fun time. they've had such an impact on my life. and all that cliche shit. idc, i love itttttt. the past few days i've been listening to all time low nonstop, and i really don't know why. i'm taking time to think a lot about the lyrics and some of them have hit me really hard. or made me realize something. either way, they've helped. for example; "we get high, we let go, we've got more than we know. my friends are a different breed, my friends are everything. make this last, take it slow, we've got it all figured out for now...so let us live our lives without a doubt." like it made me think about all the friendships i have, the ones i've ruined and the ones i want to last forever. those lines make all the drama and trouble seem worth it. because in the end, we always have the best time. always. and i'd just like to let all my friends know that no matter what, i appreciate them. you really are the best.

anyway... (: idek! ace enders decided to cover a song (bittersweet symphony), and i'm about to shit my pants because of whose doing it with him. ie; bryce avary, mark hoppus, kenny vasoli, matt thiessen, craig owens, alex gaskarth, and more. out december 2nd, along with what i think will end up being the recorded version of "winter passing" by the academy is... so yay !

........i've run out of things to say. so goodbye (:

hmmm...

first off; people are kinda dumb. why does drama always have to start? i don't get it. like tbh, it's a fucking cycle. never ending. i just want friends that i don't fight with (a lot...) idk. it just seems like theres always someone pissed at SOMEONE, and she did that and he did that and all this bullshit. idk i just wish people weren't so ridiculous sometimes. it's really dumb.

okay so, i have to write about saturday (: a rocket to the moon & a cursive memory at the crazy donkey! blaiseically... ; i walked home from jakelyn's at noon, got ready, and tracy picked me up. ayayayay! so, we get there at about 1pm and get with marissa online. they're are 3 or 4 girls in front of us, so w00t for that :D! so, everyone starts to show up. when sam and stef come, me, tracy, marissa, sam and brooke decide to walk to starbucks. what an adventure .... it was SO fucking windy. and then we decided to cross a highway, to go to panera. yum. we got back at like, 3:30. doors at 4. we get in and immediately go to arttm's merch table. chilled with bam forever. blahblahblah a bunch of bands. chill with nick santino and bam. dance party to ftsk with nick santino and my best friends, highlight of my night. nick goes on, he's amazing, of course. funfun. then i go back and chill with nick and bam while a cursive memory played. sooo good. the show ended at about 9:30. chilled with nick, bam, loren, colin, shaun, tracy, sam, marissa, izzy and brooke some more .. amazing. it started to pour. most people leave. funny pictures and phone calls. then nick takes me, sam, tracy, and izzy out the back of the crazy donkey. we sit in a rocket to the moon's van, chill and laugh and have the best time. then me and tracy wait with sam, clubheads start showing up and it's so sketchy. oh well. sam leaves. me and tracy get wendys. i only have 5 dollars because i tipped bam $15 and a fork. overall, amazing night. i miss nicholas santino. i hope to see him next week!

oh and..... halloween's in 3 days. i don't know what i'm being. i don't know where i'm going. i don't know what i'm doing. i have no idea ! oh well. off to do homework and read my new ap. writing about saturday put me in a really good mood! goodbye <3.

wonderful :D

the past couple days have been soooo good. i've been managing my time so well and i love it. it's my dream to be like this all the timeeeeee. okay so, thoughts for today .....

these are the lyrics that really hit me hard today: "i'm not coming back (forgive me) i've done something so terrible, i'm terrified to speak (i'm not calling, i'm not calling) but you'd expect that from me. i'm mixed up, i'll be blunt. now the rain is just (you're driving me crazy, i'm) washing you out of my hair... and out of my mind, keeping an eye on the world from so many thousands of feet off the ground. i'm over you now, i'm at home in the clouds and towering over your head." they're just so... real. remembering sunday is an amazing song. it reminds me of how much i love all time low. that was weird, they just came on my itunes (: ! okay anyway...

i don't really have a lot to say right now. my parents are in mexico. it's pretty liberating. lmao and, everytime i write these i think of a million things at the same time and seem completely random..... lmao. OKAY I'M DONE, GOOBYEEE.

ughhhhh.

school stresses me out SO much, tbqh. it really sucks. i wish i was at this providence right now ;( ! grrr. i miss them, i haven't seen them for almost a year. anyway. yeah, school fucking sucks. i really wish i wasn't in advanced courses, it's waaaay too much work that i don't have the time management skills to handle. i'm seriously terrible. everything frustrates me so easily because i'm always stressed. wtf. i don't want my life to be like this, ever. it kindof sucks. i feel like tonight's gunna be a good night. i'm done with all my homework (which is rare) and i just feel like .... idk. accomplished. good deal.

oh and, there's this boy. that i really like, yaknow? but he doesn't like me, lmao. he likes a hoe in my grade. typicaaaaaaal. and it suckkkkkks. nothing like that ever works out for me, srsly. i can't even deal. random thought: it's good to know that jd perry brushes his teeth every day, js........... ANYWAY. more randomness. posers really fucking piss me off. people that go to ONE SHOW, and then say they love like every band and every member and whatnot. and when someone says they love someone but don't even know what they do. like gtfo, you're a poser. just stop. idgi. i don't recall ever being like that, but whatever. some people just suck. and i'd like to think i don't (:

kso, basically, i'm just gunna update this a lot and write about ~life. i think it will do me good (: it sure as hell has been the past couple days. i mean, i don't expect ANYONE to read it, lmao, but yeah whatever. kbye!

blah.

today is a crying day. fighting with my parents all day, and barely in a good mood. also, there are these feelings i get that are hard to explain. i think about how dirty my house/room is, and like all my homework and just all these different things at once and i feel like i will never get anything done in time. i feel like i'm drowning. it's overwhelming. it helps to make a to-do list, so i think i'll go do that. i feel like the biggest bitch on days like these because the smallest most insignificant thing will piss me off so much. ugh $*&!*^%@&*^# i hate these days. also, i need my mom to say yes to the 3 tai dates i want to go to. CT on the 14th, NJ on the 15th, and NYC on the 19th. i have tickets to NYC but i need to convince her about the other 2. blaaaaaah. i feel selfish but .... i miss tai so much. my 2nd favorite band. honestly, i need them because music and shows are the only things that keep me going, give me joy and something to look forward to. i need this. ps; i thought about it today, and i won't see bryce for another year. i want to cry ); but then i just think back to 2 weeks ago. and it makes me so happy.

so, that's all for now. i'll probably end up writing more later on today. so whatev. bye!

surreal.

first blog. i've always tried these things but never really stuck to them. i think this time will be different.

lately i've been thinking so much about bryce avary. and it's not like any other thing i've ever experienced. it's not just loving another guy in some band. it's appreciating how much one human being can affect my life. i was listening to "christmas present" before, and he sang this... "so hey, listen up friend, good news is coming, soon is the end of all the world's troubles and all of it's sin." and i just sat there and cried. because never before had i actually throughly thought about that line, and what it meant. and it just clicked. everything. i can't even begin to comprehend what he means to me, and i could go on for hours. when i was with him in jersey 2 weeks ago, i was talking to him and said "you really are my favorite person in the world," and then i realized something. by just saying that, he could never really understand how true it is. he could never understand how much he has affected my life. he's helped me regain faith in society. regain faith in god. regain faith in everything. i absorb every word he writes and sings, and it just clicks with me. like, there's no other way to explain it other than the lyrics themselves. like in the song, "a song is not a buisness plan," the spoken part in the middle of the song (it's kind of hard to hear).... "honest and real; what happened to having something to say? where is the purpose? what happened? you made this all become about nothing. this song is not a business plan. we're losing hope in the world. create something you love. follow the formulas. what does it take? say what you mean, & not because someone else said it, but because it's what you feel..." like, there is no other way to say that. and i just feel like he expresses everything so perfectly and i can't even describe it. every time i think about him, his music, his passion, i just want to cry. it's all so ... right. the right time, the right words, the right man. it's perfect. i'm done for now. bye (: